CSIBTU

The end of last week was just a shitshow. Craziness! I love it. I eat it all up. Some people get full from meals; I get full from watching craziness go down! I’m not talking about anything bad, I’m talking about the speculation as to where in the world KStew was! Kind of like Carmen Sandiego (hopefully that isn’t before your time).

can you guys hear this song in your head?

We all know by now what’s happening in Europe. Trufax: E’s mom was in Manchester for business. Was trapped. Took a train to London. Couldn’t get out of there. Took a train to Paris. Couldn’t get out of there. Took a train to Montpellier. Couldn’t get out of there. Took a train to Barcelona. Can’t leave there. Now she is trying to get on a boat to America. I told her she was having the complete immigrant experience that her ancestors did, and trust she too will cry when lady liberty comes into view.

Aw look it's little E!

Anyhow, back to the volcano. I want to draw attention to a glaring parallel. Remember this?

Once again JOB it's called a JOB

 Of COURSE you remember that! WhackMeOff HankyPanky was one of the greatest moments in KStew history. We addressed it here. Then a few days later I talked about RunawaysFallonStew and how she didn’t do any games in lieu of wearing secondskin that freaking dress, because had she thrown around balls or played a phallic game...well... this would've happened to boys and girls across the globe:

BOOM! Eruptions in yo face!

 So then KStew is in London/Europe briefly and right after she leaves a volcano explodes!?!!??!?!?!

AND YOU THINK THIS IS A COINCIDENCE!?!?!?!

Please, girlfriend left.her.mark.

Speculation ran rampant! CoachellaStew? VolcanoStew? LondonStew? HungarianGoulash? [<-whaaa?] So everyone started having these sightings of her at Coachella, but like PICS OR IT TOTES NEVER HAPPENED, right? Then yesterday pictures surface of her in the Lacoste lounge.  I love Lacoste. I played tennis growing up and it just felt right to wear that. Yesterday I was rocking a pair of green Lacoste sneakers. Yes, I’m with you guys when I say: Let’s add this to the list of signs. (Who can even keep tally at this point?!)

Let’s take a trip to tangentland for two seconds, shall we? I’ve been to music festivals before. I went to Glastonbury four years ago. I’ve been to Bonnaroo as well. These festivals are so much fun that you almost don’t care that the porta potties are overflowing with fecal matter and everyone looks like strung out wet rats. It’s all in the spirit of the festival! It was so much fun, but what REALLY got me was the mud.

This is a RL pic. Saved on my comp as: MuddyShoeBonnaroo

 The mud that accumulates in these places will swallow you whole. Your foot could touch the mud and somehow it’ll be on your undies within seconds. It infiltrates your world. Lucky for them, Coachella takes place in a desert. Where it is hot.  And dry.

We get pictures of Kristen in the lounge and of course everyone that hates her starts judging the hell out of them. Whatever, some people just don’t like her. You can’t make a Democrat a Republican and you can’t make a Republican a Democrat. There are so many things that are a win about this situation that I don’t know where to start. I suppose the first thing is her ability to slide through unnoticed. She left London, flew to LA, went to Coachella and wasn’t photographed until Sunday!? Everyone and their mother has a cell phone with a camera at this point, and yet KStew went undetected for many days.

You go girl. 

I was reading something enthralling last night on livejournal—an old article—and someone in the cast said something along the lines of ‘Kristen is the best at avoiding the cameras. The only shots people ever get are of her running away’ and I looked at some pictures and I was like damn! Girlfriend can haul ass. I think she went undetected because people don’t mess with her. If someone was giving you that bitchface you wouldn’t take a fucking picture either because you, a, like living, or b, your camera’s lens would simply break.

I mean TRUTHFULLY do you want to fuck with this?

 In any event, she was all smiles at Coachella yesterday. Some people were upset with how she was dressed because she was wearing all black and it’s hot there. 

Let me clarify: the only thing hotter than the sun is KStew. Please. 

The sun is actually absorbing HER heat.

Another tangent. Yesterday a lovely girl was watching Twilight and posed the question: why does Edward’s breath show in the woods [during the scene where Edward’s all ‘say it. Out.loud. NOW. BECAUSE IM SAYING THIS IN A VERY FIRM AND STERN VOICE!’ and Bella’s all ‘Vampire. Are you happy asshole? VAMPIRE. VAMPIRE!’] if he doesn’t have any body heat? There are a couple of plausible reasons for this…like they didn’t put ice in his mouth to cool it down or plain old bad editing. But those are too lame. The real reason is because KStew can bring heat even to a guy who has been dead for a bazillion years. Yes, she can bring the heat even to Edward Cullen. You’re welcome Edward, and yes that is what warmth feels like.

Because of that it is no wonder that she wore black to Coachella, and truthfully who the hell cares. Did you want her walking around in Free People with everyone else? No. She showed up look OG. I remember Nikki Reed (CALM DOWN!) saying how she grew up with gangster rap and Kristen grew up with classic rock. Well clearly someone has been listening to her Wu-Tang! Maybe she DOES want to join a gang. Maybe being around all those Brits all the time makes her want to get in touch with her inner gangster. Or maybe Wu Tang is trying to reVAMP themselves and enlisted the help of one badass chick.

Wu-Tang and Killa Beez? PUH-LEASE

Let us not act shocked by this act of gangsterism. Kristen warned us… remember?

THIS!

Perhaps she really was fresh off the streets from tagging walls as suggested by this hilarious photo. Artists like to have several creative outlets... because they are so tortured. KStew plays the guitar and now she tags walls. No big deal.

'THEY WERE BULLETS, MOFO!'

Or perhaps maybe, just maybe, she felt like wearing that so she did. She looks badass, I mean seriously guys. The thug life is a hard life. She looked adorable. She looked happy. She looked like KStew.

'Nah man, I'm not a blood or a crip.'

Those of you that get IT got it. Those that never got IT won’t get it now. Let me reiterate: if you get IT you are infinitely cooler than those who don’t.  I know you guys get IT because we’ve talked about IT before. I want to make a shirt (in addition to LIES) that says 'I get IT' because then I’d automatically know to be your friend. I absolutely discriminate against these people:

we aren't friends.

If you are going to have his name on a shirt it better say this:

we, however, are BFF!

I digress, the bottom line is KStew was able to go to from Budapest to London to Coachella. She was able to do it without so much as a snapshot taken. She was able to enjoy herself during the festivities without getting a million pictures taken… or really any at all. Coachella can be about famewhoring if you want it to be, but it should be about the music. Kristen was able to go to an AMAZING music festival and simply enjoy the music.

...imagine that...

'Tee hee hee, okay I'll admit it... I almost was a Latin King'

Because of CoachellaStew, KStew is better than you. 

[A/N: This is the calm before the storm and I mean that in every way possible. Eclipse is coming up—if they ever decide to release that movie—so press will be starting not too far from now. Lucky for us Eclipse reshoots are going down. HELLO VANCITY! On a personal level, my final final final thesis is due May 4. May 11 I will do my ‘master’s defense’ and on May 13 (#Fingers’ birthday!) I will find out if I’m graduating orrr if the past few years were a total wash. Hitting the books will be necessary. So will hitting the bottle.

Thank you again, @Buff_82 for your mad skillz.

You guys make me laugh daily. More than daily. E-mails are better than ever. Tweets are just as lovely. I don’t think it’s possible to love a group of people more than I love you guys. Truth. Hope to see you sooner rather than later!]