Today is Earth Day. Those of you that actually know me a little know I love Mother Earth. I’ll let you in on a little secret…. I’m going for my master’s in a field of science. I’m a science person. So today I decided to do something a LITTLE different from the norm. Twilight Earth Day Edition. It’ll come back to KStew… I assure you. Read this carefully: EVERY OTHER LINE IS E/B. Bella is pink. Follow along!
Let's gander into TwilightLand shall we?
Edward where are we going
Wherever I want. You said you won’t marry me. I’m like totally pissed.
Stop dragging me!
Bella SHUT UP!
Fine.
Wait don't shut up. I can't hear your thoughts. So talk.
You're hurting my arm. You're going to rip it out of its socket. Then I'll have one dangly arm. Gross.
I recant my previous statement. Stop talking.
Do you remember this place?
Yeah.
What happened here?
You stood behind me like a fucking creep and were all ‘Say it. Out. Loud.’
And you?
I was all ‘Vampire. VAMPIRE! But I’m not scared of your ass because you drive a Volvo. How dangerous can you be?’
Ugh. You are so frustrating.
Oh no you DID NOT! You know what’s frustrating? This giant chastity belt Stephanie Meyer slapped on us by pretending people have ‘virtues’. That’s frustrating.
Bella I’ve had 100+ years of blue balls.
Then DO IT YOU PUSSY!
I CAN'T! How many times do I have to tell you! I’m dangerous! I could kill you!
Sometimes Edward... I am convinced we menstruate together.
*rips up tree and throws it*
EDWARD!
What?
WHAT THE FUCK MAN?
What?
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
A testament to my unbelievable strength. I was proving a point. DUHHHH!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! TODAY?
Bella what!?
NOT COOL!
Okay relax I’ll never do it again.
NO! IT’S FUCKING EARTH DAY! AND YOU’RE RIPPING TREES OUT OF THIS PLUSH FOREST? JESUS, EDWARD. I think I should put you on Intervention. I once saw an episode about a rageaholic. You fit the profile insanely well.
Woah woah woah. Fall back. It’s Earth Day?
Uh yeah. April 22nd you idiot.
Oh...shit.
I can’t believe you did that! That’s the antithesis of what people do today!!
Fuck.
It’s just rude Edward, I mean really. You use this strength thing to your advantage. And would you get down from that fucking tree! That is so childish! I’m trying to talk to you.
Edward stop pretending to hide behind the tree. I can still see you. Get down here.
What if I just leannnn, like thisssss. Eh? That's some cool shit man!
What if I just jump off a cliff and kill myself--leaving you with a life of misery. GET. DOWN.
Okay, okay, just let me pin you against this rock first. Now. I can make this better.
How?
I’ll climb a tree and this time I'll be gentle. Is this better? Does this make up for my bitchy outburst?
No.
Let’s do it together.
Is this better?
No. And to be quite honest this is a rather thin branch you perched me on. It's like you want me to die.
Let’s lay in the meadow and marvel at all of nature’s splendors.
How about now?
No.
Best. Idea. Ever.
Worst. Idea. Ever.
But you're smiling...
That was just ridiculous. I think I hate you....*pause*... no yeah I defo hate you. We can’t get married. Not now. Not ever.
OW! What the fuck!
Psh, you don’t want to marry me? Serves your ass right. See you in vamp hell Bella. PEACE BITCH.
See what happens if you tell a vampire no on Earth Day? He rips trees out, tries to overcompensate, and you end up partially dead on the ground. I suppose the moral of the story is: IF A VAMPIRE ASKS YOU TO MARRY HIM (especially one with #JawPorn) YOU SAY YES! You have to... to save the trees!
Truth be told KStew is kind to the earth. In a recent interview she said,
"I try to recycle everything that I use. I wish I could think of a really great idea to make everyone fix the environment, but... You drive a good car and you try not to take long showers."
Well hey that’s good enough for me!
"I'm green bitchessssssss!!!!!!"
Because she is kind to Mother Earth, KStew is better than you.
[A/N: Just felt like dicking around a little today. TOMORROW shit goes down on Oprah.You BET YOUR ASS WE WILL BE TALKING ON SATURDAY ABOUT IT! The good, the inevitably bad, and the Jacob Black ugly. A little something to tie you over until then. Much love! And go and plant a tree or something today!!!! Love you all!]
I totally plan on going and running the in forest later. Running - not frolicking the way Chris Weitz imagined it.
ReplyDeleteFantastic post as always! Happy Earth Day!
You should write fan fic. I'd totally read that, because this shit was gold. I love "Earth Day: Twilight Edition."
ReplyDeleteLesson learned: don't tell vampires with 100+ years worth of blue balls "no". I will be sure to remember that the next time Mr. Vampire McReallybadcaseofblueballs drags me out to the woods and rips a tree out of the ground.
And on Friday... I am praying the Jacob-LIES will be kept to a goddamn minimum, or I will barf all over my keyboard (which would be a shame, since my laptop is only a few months old and I'm rather attached to it - I don't think vomit would make it run as smoothly as it does now). *prays for loads and loads of Kristen and Finger's footage*
as always, hilarious : ) thank goodness for you.
ReplyDeleteLMAO!!!! I loved today's post!!! HAPPY EARTH DAY CC!!!!
ReplyDelete'But I'm not scared of your ass because you drive a Volvo. How dangerous can you be?'
ReplyDeleteFucking GOLD!!!
Love it, you're my hero!
x
bwaahahahaha . OH. MY. GAWD. I'd lie on the floor if I don't have to sit in front of my PC to write this.
ReplyDeleteAwesome..just awesome. great. hilarious. can't stop laughing. LMAO
CC you are a star, pure dead brilliant.
ReplyDeletejust what i needed today, some twi-crack! i'm now blaming you for getting me into trouble in class... making me fucking laugh & look like a looney. bawwwww.
ReplyDeletefor reals tho? brilliant post in honor of Earth Day. Kstew, tho better than any of us, would be proud of you bb.
brb, emailing this to everyone i've ever met. <333
GREATEST. THING. I'VE. EVER. READ!!!!!!! LMAO. I was dying!!!!!!!! So fucking hilarious! Thank you for this. I really needed to laugh today! So thanks again!! You rock!
ReplyDeleteHAHAAHHAA...ur awesomeness is epic ur posts keeps getting better and better :)
ReplyDeleteOkay so I accidentally stumbled onto this site. I just had to post and say thx for the laugh. Fucking brilliant! Looking forward to your Friday post :) You bet your ass I'm gonna read your older ones.
ReplyDelete~cheers!
p.s. Kstew IS better than you.. and me.. and the universe!!!!!!
well, actually... sometimes u educate me!
ReplyDeleteI didn't know it was the Earth Day
Thanks to you and to Kstew .. probably plant a tree
CC, you're a fucking genius. Enough said.
ReplyDelete"I'm green bitchesssssss!!!!!!"
ReplyDeleteThere aren't sufficient words to describe how effing epic you made that picture with that caption. LOL!
Hahaha, this post is hilarious...
ReplyDelete"And would you get dowm from that fucking tree! That is so childish! I'm trying to talk to you."
That was funny...!
cc, i know better to eat or drink when reading your post b/c otherwise i'd be spewing and aspirating all over the place, cuz i just can't stop lmfao!!!!
ReplyDeletethanx again for a terrific post!!!!!!
CC, that was hilarious and such a nice Earth Day treat! Lesson: You don't fuck with a vamp especially on Earth Day!
ReplyDeleteThanks!! ;)
xoxo