The Truth About Budapest

A couple of years ago my friend J invited me to his birthday party. His birthday is rather close to mine and coincided with some of my post-birthday plans [remember I like to do birthday weekends]. I was going out for sushi (in NYC) with my girlyfriends. J was so pissed I wasn’t going to be at his shindig and was getting all ‘CC, I’m always at your birthday, not to mention you already had your party’ and I was all, ‘uh grow some balls. I’m sorry but it’s MY birthday too! I want sushi with girlyfriends!’

Anyhow, sushi ended early so I decided I’d drive a few blocks and stop by his party so he would stop being a whiny bitch. I called our mutual friend R (my boyfriend P’s brother that I don’t talk to and who is getting married in one month. The wedding that P is best man in… yeah that kid!) who said, ‘Oh we’re at the strip club on yadda yadda street.’ Hm…. a strip club? Fuck it, I can hang. I drive there with my bffs E and M and we walk into the club only to find J getting a lap dance. Go get ‘em. He has a look of shock on his face when he sees me, like I’m the second coming of Jesus Christ—or as if I’m watching a puppy being skinned alive.

Note: This has nothing to do with anything, but this is my friend Renee

petting the fattest cat I've ever seen in my life. And I wanted to share

He politely tells the stripper to get off of him and then walks over and hugs E and M. After the warm embrace they walked away and joined our other friends. He walks straight up to me and goes, “Um, what are you doing here?” all bitchy.

I wanted to smack him across his dumb face. WHAT AM I DOING HERE? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING HERE? DO YOU REMEMBER OUR CONVERSATIONS? WHAT?! I looked him straight in the eyeballs and said, “If you don’t get why I’m here, then you’re a fucking idiot.”

The. End.

Everyone has been waiting for me to comment on this. I’ve gotten tweets, e-mails, and I’m certain if more than 3 of you had my cell phone number I would’ve gotten texts or calls. I do not believe in open forums for hate. I address crazies in a funny manner, but this shit has gotten OUT OF CONTROL, and because of that I chose to sit back and watch it all happen… on both sides… and laughed… A LOT. I don’t have a side because for me this is clear-cut, and that could just be me. We can have opinions, but when things are beyond crazy—no way in hell am I getting involved. I’m team IDontGiveAFucksten. I’M TOO BUSY YACHTING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Or just a life.

(Gracias #411 for diving into my head and creating this!)

See I’ve read the articles on all the gossip websites saying she was in Budapest for some guy, but I think ya’ll are so deadly wrong it’s not even funny. Lucky for you I never have a problem setting the record straight—after all I am nothing if not giving!

Listen, I have an in with Kristen [read: I have the furthest thing (on the entire earth) from an IN. I’m way on the out]. I know why she was REALLY in Budapest!!!! I’ve been holding onto this for a few days because I like to see what other people come up with. Truth be told, I’ve got all the info right here.

I googled ‘What is Budapest Famous For’ and got the answer: “Budapest is also world famous for its artistic abundance of concerts, operas, recitals, galas, exhibitions, and spa baths.” Please, nothing screams KStew like that. As if my suspicions weren’t already solidified enough in my head, I recieved pictures and texts that proved it. I know you guys want the pictures first, but there is also a story!

So right around her birthday KStew got a letter from the Prime Minister of Hungary. It read:

“Dearest Kristen Stewart,

Hungary, Budapest specifically, is rather boring these days. There is literally nothing going on here. No major heartthROB is filming in this city, and there are ZERO fangirls. Because of that, I think this is the perfect time for an impromptu visit. We are famous for our fine arts and our thermal spas. Do you like thermal spas? We have some of the best in the world. As a gift to you on your 20^th Birthday, I would like to extend and invitation for you to come and visit. You will have the loveliest time I can assure you. Please consider.

With kindest regards,

Gordon Bajnai

PS- A little birdie told me that you are partially Hungarian, is that so? Come connect with your roots!”

This got Kristen thinking so she dug into her family tree and came up with this picture:

Legit, those are her parents.

Then it sparked her memory that while in Kindergarten her mother dressed her like this on ancestor day:

'Erm... mom? I thought you were Australian...?"

Suddenly the puzzle made sense. This letter was FATE! In that moment Kristen KNEW she had to go to Hungary to see this opera house and experience those thermal baths—for her ancestors’ sake, of course. So, being that Kristen only made $16 mill last year, she hopped on a plane to Paris and then Hungary, ultimately landing in Budapest.

The world became abuzz with whether or not she was in Budapest. Well DUH she was in Budapest, did you not see that she has Hungarian blood running through her veins? Did you not see the letter from the freaking Prime Minister?! What other reason on the face of the earth would she go to Hungary!? Honestly guys, sometimes I think people are so dense.

Let me tell you something about Budapest before we start. Did you know that Budapest used to be two cities? FACT! It used to be Buda and Pest and they were separated by the Danube. When I think of the Danube I think of Mandy Moore. Whaaa?! Yes. When I was on a plane in like ’03 Chasing Liberty was playing. At one point she goes all crazy, rips her clothes off and runs to the water citing, “I want to swim naked in the Danube!” Well duh! Don’t we all! KStew crossed that off her list because that’s just bad publicity and the world couldn’t handle nudity.

Okay so Kristen gets to Hungary and since I love you guys I have all the exclusive deets and pics! You’re welcome!

Her first stop was to this oh-so-famous opera house. The Hungarian State Opera house, to be exact.

Well it looks like SOMEONE has been eating her Wheaties!

This thing is absolutely beautiful. On a side note, something I absolutely love about Europe is the old architecture. America is such a young country in comparison to the rest of the world, so when you finally get to see old cathedrals and state buildings it can certainly take your breath away. This stunning building was constructed in 1875. It’s not too old, but it’s old enough that it is breathtaking.

FYI: I'm headlining there next month.

KStew was so excited she just had to get a pic right away before attending the Opera. Afterwards she sent a text to the Prime Minister:

“Although I can appreciate an immaculate voice as much as the next person, I have to say that I’m probs a better singer. Did you see me in Into the Wild? Happen to catch a sneak peak at The Runaways? Maybe I’ll perform here some day…”

He immediately googled that and found this:

I loved this book. I loved this movie.

“Dearest Kristen, It is with my sincerest apologies that I didn’t recognize the fact that you are a wonderful singer. The Opera House is yours for taking whenever you need. With Kind Regards, GB”

The next day Kristen decided to take to the thermal baths. I’m actually not kidding you when I say Hungary is famous for them. I’ve never been to Hungary, but I have been to Austria. While in Austria I went to a thermal bath spa and it’s re-god-damn-diculous how amazing it was. In addition to that, Budapest was literally and officially chosen as the City of Baths ("City of Spas") in 1937 at the first World Federation of Hydrotherapy and Climatotherapy conference by 37 countries [wha?].

Picture yourself here

So of course she couldn’t pass up this opportunity! An insider snapped this… I guess I can share it:

Where's Waldo?

Need a closer look?

You best watch that lady next to you. Looks like she's trying to hold your hand.

So she had the best time in the world at that thermal bath and decided eh, what the hell, I have $16mill plus some, let’s build one of those in that house I’m buying. Done and done. When she returned back to her hotel she had a text.

“Dearest Kristen, I have been hearing rumblings that you have been trying to get in touch with your ancestral roots. Perhaps an authentic Hungarian night will do. Meet me at Parliament and fun shall ensue. Sincerely, FG”

KStew is a sucker for rhymes as is yours truly. [Hence KSIBTU?] In addition to that, it’s not hard to understand that she loves a game of dress up; she’s an actor for crying out loud. It is her JOB to put on different clothes and pretend to be someone else… and she makes BANK for it. So She took her car to Parliament and hopped into a car with her new bff FG.

Oh yes, you know what’s coming!

Our beloved KStew took to countryside to try on some traditional garb:

So THAT'S why she was in the Hungarian Countryside!

And then took to the streets and began to dance the night away!!

Those guys mean BIZ-NESS.

Since it was her last night in Hungary, Kristen decided to do what everyone does in Hungary. EAT GOULASH!

Sweet vest! You sure are bulky!

I’ve never had it, but from the look of things she enjoyed it.

She went to bed that night loving her inner Hungarian and satisfied that she had taken the trip. The next day she was scheduled to leave. Taylor Lautner was in Paris/Madrid/WhoCares doing a shameless solo self-promotion tour, and she wanted to stop him before he could make an even bigger fool out of himself.

“Hey wait!” Kristen said to her driver as they went to the airport, “Can we stop at McDonalds? I’m hungry…. !”

“Of course.” The driver said.

She went inside and scored herself a number one with a coke. Girlfriend can put.it.away. As she walks out she sees this asshole:

1. Please note the sarcasm. Save your hatemail for another day

2. YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

“You've got to be fucking kidding me!” She says turning to him, “what are you doing here?!”

“Uh… a movie? Didn’t you see all the pictures of me in my time period clothing? Haven’t you noticed my hair is long? Did you not she the magic wand I carried around?"

Kristen shook her head no.

"Not even the video that went viral of my junk swinging as I ran?” He asked desperately.

“Uh…” Kristen tried to pretend she knew what he was speaking of.

“Why are YOU here?” Rob countered.

“I was invited by the Prime Minister.”

“Oh okay, and I’m the Dali Lama.” He laughed at her boldness.

“No really. We correspond via text now. He’s replacing Chris Weitz.”

“Wow.” He said looking at her cell phone.

“Where are you going?” She asked kindly.

“Airport, you?” He asked.

“Same.”

“Why?”

“To save Taylor. I can’t buy the kid friends, but I can stop this ridiculousness of gallivanting all over the globe.”

“Ha! That’s a good thing. That kid is out of his bloody mind…” he giggled and then paused, “Well… can I catch a ride?”

“You made 2 million more than me last year.” She said flatly.

“Come on please? You pretended that you are eco-friendly saying you take short showers… which… that’s for another day, but not carpooling would make you a liar.” He said COCKing an eyebrow.

“Fine. But I’m getting in first to pick my seat.” She said in a childish voice.

“Deal.” He agreed letting her get in.

The rest is history folks, but at least THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE! (Kind of like the x-files) Kristen went to Budapest because she was hungry to soak in the culture of Hungary… and because the flippin’ Prime Minister invited her! If you don’t believe me I ask you this: What other reason is there on the face of the earth that a 20 year old girl would fly all the way to Hungary right around the time of her birthday?

There is no other reason...right??...*crickets*... right??

(^^click that link, turn on your volume, and hit the green button^^)

This shirt is real, as in I didn't make it, and I didn't even google that. It just popped up.

Because she was in Hungary to get in touch with her roots, KStew is better than ALL of you.

[A/N: Sometimes if you don’t laugh you’ll cry. Please don’t leave a response if you want to say ‘fuck the crazies’ or ‘Robsten 4evsies’ or ‘Rob is an asshole’ or ‘I hate Kristen’ or anything of the sorts. I won’t allow it. This is a lovefest. The purpose of this is to laugh and realize the entire thing is just absurd.

I need to give a HUGE thank you, yet again, to @Buff_82 for doing all of the photoshopping and saving you guys from the horrors of my skillz [read: lack there of].

Tomorrow I will be traveling to Salt Lake City. It’s not for business, so I guess it’s kind of for pleasure… except there will be nothing pleasurable about the experience. Saturday I will be gone all day. Sunday I will be running on empty and will eventually be flying home. No idea when the next post will be, ask Kristen. I love you more than KStew loves Hungarian Goulash, which is a LOT! Have a wonderful weekend my lovely people.]