This is longer than Breaking Dawn: Eclipse Discussion part 1

WARNING: PLEASE BE 18+ FOR THIS POST. THANK YOU.

Oh hey everybody! It has been over a week since I had the pleasure, yes pleasure, of seeing Eclipse. I wanted to make sure that most of you had the chance to go and see the movie so we could discuss it to the point of crying. I don't know if this post is going to be one or two parts yet, because I don't exactly know how much I want to say. [A/N: THIS IS NOW TWO PARTS BECAUSE I AM ONE WORDY BITCH.]

I have been STEWing over this movie for a really long time. This is only our second time discussing a movie, and the last one was The Runaways, which unfortunately a lot of you haven’t had the chance to see. MAJORITY OF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS, multiple times.

proof of psychosis purchase

I’m ready to talk about it. I have seen this movie FOUR times. Before you go and think I'm psychotic, hear me out. I saw it the first time with 13 members of the KSIBTU Crew in NYC. Actually...I want to stop here for a moment. This fandom gets a lot of slack... a LOT. Sure there are people who are so obsessed with the stars that they should be locked up, but there are also people who truly just like to have fun. I had the pleasure of hanging out with 12+ amazing girls that I met through KSIBTU. Not everyone is a psycho. This fandom has a lot to offer, and many of you would agree. What I'm trying to say is... I love you all very much and I don't hate you because you like Twilight and I don't hate you because you hate Twilight. I love you because we all speak KStew, and if you speak KStew you are simply better... and I can now personally attest to the fact that KStew fans are the shit.

That's me on the left (omGAWD u saw my side face). I need to brush my hair. 

That beauty on the right smiling at you?

That's @Buff_82. After meeting her I never wanted to let her go. She is the shit. 

I digress, we saw it once (opening night) and then decided we all needed to see it again, so a day later we went again. When I returned home last Friday, my mother, aunt and cousin wanted me to go with them. I saw New Moon with them. They were my Twilight peeps before I found all of you guys. Enter viewing number three.

Then on Monday night I really wanted to make my life a living hell, so I dragged P and my brother to an IMAX viewing of Eclipse. Oh my word. They laughed the whole time [when they weren't asking questions like "Why does that blonde chick (Rosalie) have brown eyebrows the size of caterpillars?"] and were talking nonstop. At the end they told me they wanted to make a spoof called Lunar Eclipse. They also said they would use porcelain dolls for the vampires because they 'shatter like bitches'. They had a hard time in the movie because they just didn’t get it.

see, they could NOT wear this shirt.

Twilight is a very exclusive group. You cannot walk into a Twilight movie, having not read the books, and expect to follow along. AIN'T HAPPENING. So not only were the boys confused because they never read/saw New Moon (P saw Twilight with me because he loved me back then), but also because boys are JUST DUMB.  Perhaps that would deter some, but guess what? I didn't care. I read the fucking books. So, they were trying to annoy me during the movie and I didn't care. Know why? I used the fourth experience to take pages of notes. Why? Well why not!? And yes, P and my brother want to have me committed, I DON'T CARE.

I contemplated explaining the notes here, but I decided that if you wanted to see my ridiculous stream of consciousness as written down during the film you can just click HERE. In addition to that, before we begin, each and every one of you must understand my sentiments towards New Moon (aka Jacob Black) that can be revisited HERE. A lot of you already know them though and most of you agree. For me, there was no way to make a movie that was worse than New Moon--there just wasn't any possible way.

Guess what?

They didn't.

I thought Eclipse was the shit (second only to Twilight). Some were indifferent. I haven't really heard anyone that hates it. I did not. I DID NOT. I saw New Moon twice in my whole life. I've already seen Eclipse four times. Get the picture?

There were flaws, absolutely. There were plot line issues that made me want to rip out my hair, scenes that were excluded that made me actually go back to the book, lines that were thrown out at the most inopportune times, and moments of acting so cringe worthy that I could do nothing but laugh. But guess what? This movie didn't make me want to jump off a cliff Bella Swan style. It made me smile. It made me laugh. It made me sentimental. It made me happy that perhaps they had to get it wrong (New Moon) before they got it less-wrong--so maybe by BD they will have it right. Let's start from the top--literally--I'm going in chronological order this time. This will be long. This will be two parts. This will be F-U-N.

The movie opened with trickling water. In my opinion, this was Summit’s way of paying tribute to Rob on Ellen saying he couldn't use his windshield wipers. It's really the subtleties that make the movie. The opening scene made me realize just how scrum-diddly-umptious Xavier Samuels is. YUMYUM. In my notes I actually wrote 'Xavier=sex'. Accurate, in my opinion. I liked the music and the intensity. It set the tone that perhaps there won’t be frolicking scenes like this one:

YOU MISSED THIS. ADMIT IT. ADMIT IT.

Never.ever.let.you.forget.

Then it opens with THE meadow. What an improvement visually, no? It actually has flowers! Who would’ve thought? This is when you knew that it was going to be okay. The chemistry between KStew and MFH is fucking ridiculous. This was my BIGGEST issue with New Moon. They couldn’t coexist. Instead they grunted and groaned and attacked as I, the viewer, sank lower and lower in my seat hoping it would just end.

Not this time. Even those critics who hate the Saga will concede to the fact that Rob and Kristen destroy it as Edward and Bella--together. The tantalizing kisses all over her neck and face? OXYGEN. I want to read a book and have Edward pull my hair aside and kiss my neck. Then I want to playfully hop atop him. Then I want to reach down, undo his pants, and hump the living daylights out of his sparkly… member.

mmmmmmmmm

They are hot together, and the way Bella grabbed the hair on the back of his neck PROVES that they read fanfic.  I also loved her 'knocked up' comment because that's so freaking true.  Also noteworthy: when Bella gets up and walks away they totally just left the camera on her ass for a while. WELL DONE, DAVID.

It is no secret (three movies in) that Charlie is the ace in the hole. Hilarious. Amazing. His chemistry with Kristen is perfection. That could be her dad.

uh-maz-ing

Now we are to my first TRUE dislike of the movie. Remember when Bella decides she is going to go and see Jacob, but Edward fucked her car up so she couldn’t leave because he’s a control freak? That translated well in the movie, but they left one of my most favorite scenes out. In the book Bella is super pissed. She goes to storm away and Edward tells her to close the window if she doesn't want him to come in that night. She runs upstairs and slams the window shut, steps away for a few moments, walks up, and opens it as wide as it goes. That says something, but every time one of these characters is FINALLY about to feel something, they get cut off and it fades to another scene. That one little part would've made me so much happier. It was my favorite part in the entire book. It says something. It should be there.

Oh and did I mention this? IT WAS IN THE FUCKING SCRIPT. Come on people, know what's important to me, I mean seriously.

thank you, Jackson, for losing your script.

 As always, the humans provided great comedic relief and the general feeling of normalcy. Anna Kendrick is brilliant as Jess. I mean seriously what a win. Remember when Alice said she wanted to throw a party and said it would be fun and then Bella says, “that’s what you said last time”? My notes said, ‘is Bella on the rag?’ because I mean that was just not very nice.

Well we're not bitter or anything are we Bella?

Let's skip ahead to Florida. Something I always disliked about the books was that I didn't feel as if Renee gave a shit about Bella. It's why she's always so distant in every fic or why she's always killed off. She just wasn't there. It seemed as if she simply picked Phil and Bella banished herself to Forks because her mom couldn’t handle having a husband and a daughter. In this movie I actually had feelings for Renee. When she gives Bella the blanket and talks about adding to it with her kids? Please. If you didn't feel anything in that moment then you are a robot. Then she hugs her and says I miss you? Slay me. In this movie, Renee loves her daughter and her daughter loves her. Well done, Melissa, well done.

sad. cute. heartwarming. perfection.

In this section I also made note to say 'sunglasses = ew'. Yeah, those were not very Kristen Bella. She disliked them so much that the moment they touched her face... she took them off.

Next. Every shot where the Cullens are in the woods warranted laughs. Laughs laughs laughs. Why do they incessantly stand in a V shape? Are they birds? Stop it. STOP IT.

Carlisle: Stop! We have to remain in V formation!

Now let’s fast forward to the parking lot. Enter Jacob scene. Did the crowd go wild when he got on screen? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MINE DID. Where the fuck did all of this Team Jacob come from!? Yipes. Anyhow, here's what my notes said in reference to that "Fuck you Jacob and your stupid hair" and then I wrote a couple more things and then "why is his hair wet?"

I believe that IS the question. Why Is his hair wet?! Wasn't he wearing a helmet? So why is it wet? I NEED TO KNOW. I dislike Bella getting on the back of the bike while Edward was right there. That was sad and made me want to sock her in the face. As for Jacob's smug look, well that was due to his proximity to her eggs--not her breasts pressed up against his back. (No, no, I’m not bitter.)

I liked the scene at Emily's. Julia Jones is beautiful and played Leah amazingly. She played bitch very, very well. You could totally tell she wanted Bella to eat shit and die. She’s the Rosalie of the wolves. That being said, I have another question.  Why don't any of the other wolves have to be fit? Don't eat a damn chicken wing, do some crunches, jeebus!

uhmmmmm

 Now let's discuss the imprinting scene. Isn't it so very convenient how it was glossed over? They romanticized it. How ironic considering it is soon to be applied to A BABY. I hope that when Jacob sees Renesmee they flash back to him talking about looking at a girl and just knowing. Jacob you are one sick fuck.

J: It's totes normal. Don't make a big deal out of this.

B: Dude, a fuckin' kid? That's messed UP!.. better her than me!

Universe: ...that's what you think, Bella....

 So now we are to my second real problem with the movie. Although I liked the pacing, it often times seemed as if things were thrown out because there was no other place to put them. The first example of this is when Bella tells Jacob she will be vamped out after graduation, and the second is when Jacob tells Bella that he could've been alpha male. I understand that movies are under time constraints, but it was SO out of the blue.

B- "you're still you."

J- "And you're still you."

B- "until Graduation when Edward will bite my neck finally."

*cue breakdown*

and I sat there going… the fuck!? Bella… THAT WAS TOTALLY UNPROVOKED! What gives?! The moment was so outlandish in that confession that it almost overshadowed Taylor Lautner's shiteous breakdown… ALMOST.

pre-wrench throwing.

My theaters actually laughed folks... LAUGHED. That was not supposed to be a laughable situation.  It was too much. It just… it was so unbelievable. The laughing stopped when he told Bella he would prefer she was dead. My notes, 'Hey Jacob? FUCK YOU'. Well said, TheaterCC.

My next note said 'Riley can sniff my clothes anytime'… so yeah… I liked Xavier.

Then the stories around the campfire came. I skipped the stories in the book and I skipped them in the movie. Pee break 3 out of 4 times. It was nice, but was it a blame Bella session? At the end they were all totes ragging on her for wanting to bone a cold one. You know what I wanted to do in that scene? Throw BACK a cold one, but AMC doesn't serve beer… yet. Actually we were throwing back voddies like champs opening night.

Billy: You see Bella, THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT.

Bella: But like, I flove the vamps!

Jacob: *poker face* *i will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry*...

Now I must go back to Charlie, but this time it will be endearing. I truthfully appreciate that Eclipse attempts to demonstrate what Bella would be giving up as a human. If you try to dumb down this supernatural theme into a real life situation, you may make the connection to the time-honored Sophie's choice of pick the boy vs. pick your family. I will choose my family forever and always. The issue is that we are so rapped up in Robert Pattinson's jaw/fingers that we forget that Bella is sacrificing… uh… everything? Yes, everything. So that moment where her father tells her that he would never stop looking for her makes my heart ache a little. Thankfully we all read BD. #TeamCharlie

Then Jacob kisses Bella after a long, rambling speech. He says how Edward can't even kiss Bella without wanting to kill her... SOMEONE WAS WATCHING NEW MOON BEFORE HE TOOK BELLA OUT TO THAT SECLUDED AREA! He goes in for the kill, and she punches him. I wasn't one for the SOUND of the punch, but damn gf you throw that right hook! We all know the best part of this scene though....

"Well let me give you a hint..."

ANGRYWARD FTW! I like it. It's hot. It's possessive. It's book Edward. Instead of Charlie rectifying the situation, they should've thrown down. Why don't we ever get a REAL fight out of them? Wouldn't that be kind of hot? Also, Bella only sprained her hand so she didn't have the cast the rest of the time. Hopefully that was for Kristen's sake considering she's going to have an alien baby for the next 6 months of filming Breaking Dawn. It was their way of letting something slide. Also, is Tay on a box?

I suppose this is where I will end my discussion of Eclipse part one. If I put part two in? Well that would just be TOO MUCH for conversation.... and we have LOTS to talk about.

what do you say we loosen that grip there, buddy boy.

Did you see Bella punch Jacob in the face? It's what we all want to do, but we didn't get the chance. Why? Because KStew is better than you.

[If some of you are Team Jacob just relax. I mayyy concede a bit in part 2. Serio. Also, big ups to @Buff_82 and @Just2cusmile for reading this before I posted it. It was over 10 pages, single spaced, of my mindless ramblings. We are only 5 pages in. Most of the good stuff is yet to come... starting with Rosalie Hale. I will post pt.2 on Friday so that all of our international readers have a chance to respond. NOW: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE MOVIE UP TO THIS POINT?! I'm going to try to interact with you in the responses, so let's keep it friendly and funny… cause… it's Twilight. Love you guys more than I love Xavier sniffing my clothes.]