Twilight is better than KStew? BITCH PLEASE.

Remember we’re friends here. Keep the flamethrowers at bay. This is my opinion. Give me yours. In addition to that I’m going to ask you to separate yourself from the characters in Twilight and the people who play them—[CC… WHAAAAA?? This is a KStew blog! Yes well, that means I write it so shut cho mouth.]—and then connect them again at the end. You're going to need to check your inner Twihard at the door and put on a constructive lens. This will be long. Let’s breathe together because MY GOD I’ve had this on my chest for months.

I have been in NYC for a couple of days for a reason I’ll expand upon later. I have a lot of friends that live in the city. I love New York City. A few days ago I was eating some Thai food with a girlfriend when another came over and threw a DVD at us.

CC: “What’s this?”

Friend: “That new movie Dear John. A guy was selling a bootleg version for 10 bucks. Channing Tatum is in it. Figured it couldn’t hurt.”

Now I’m not condoning illegal movie purchasing… but…I didn’t do it so HA. We all grabbed our chopsticks and went in front of the TV. I won’t go into the ending in case some of you have never read it or haven’t made it to the movie theater. At the end though we all started talking about Nicholas Sparks’ need to take your heart, rip it out, throw it against the wall, and then step on it with a very high stiletto heel. Then we started talking about The Notebook bc Ryan Gosling is SEX.

“Could you imagine if they didn’t end up together… you know… Allie and Noah?” my friend asked.

Ugh. UGH.

I looked at her shocked. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SUGGEST SUCH A THING YOU FUCKING ANIMAL. Instead I said, “uh… no.”

My other friend turned to her and said, “It would’ve been the greatest literary lie ever told had she stayed with Lon.”

WOAH. HOLD. THE. PHONE. For a flake she had NO idea what a profound thing she had just said and my mind was SPINNING.

I have a confession to make… a secret to tell.

A big one.

Are you listening?

Lean in close.

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I HATED NEW MOON

[ESP the book, and by virtue of that kinda the movie.]

I mean I HATED it. That being said… I fucking LOVED New Moon. [Confused? Yes. Stay with me kids.] The book? I loved it because it made me angry. Anything that can get a rise out of me is good. I loved all the books actually, which is why I read them so fast-- I couldn't stop. As far as the movie went? I loved it. So much better than Twilight, but not. It seemed like everyone was a lot calmer, a lot more prepared, and I enjoyed the gentle golden color that took over. The acting was SHITTONS better. The over all experience was just light-years better. That being said, I wanted to throw myself off of my chair and get trampled on when people left the theater.

Wanna know why?

The Bella and Jacob romance is the BIGGEST LITERARY LIE THAT WAS EVER WRITTEN IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD! Now, maybe I’m exaggerating but I want you guys to get how much I can’t take this.

Enter discussion about book. When I read New Moon I gagged. I. GAGGED. Jacob. JACOB FUCKING BLACK?! BELLA, SERIOUSLY!? I don’t get team Jacob. Is it really even a team, or is it team Taylor? I don’t know. I can’t even think about it.

Allow me to divulge more, yes? I’m not obtuse. I get it. I get that we had to fall in love with Edward/Bella and then have the rug tugged out from under our feet in the name of a plot. What I DIDN’T NEED was Jacob to fall for Bella and Bella to ‘fall’ for Jacob. CC, why the quotes. Because there's no way on God's earth [aka Stephanie Meyer's head] that Bella Swan [yes I know she's fake] would fall for Jacob Black. There’s no fucking way. I refuse to believe. JUST NO. Why would she do that? Why? That makes absolutely no sense to me. When things started going down hill in New Moon I called my cousin and screamed my fucking head off.

Apparently I change sexes when I yell into a phone. Deal with it.

You know what she said to me?

“Oh baby girl. You just wait for Eclipse.”

“Uh… excuse me?”

She cackled.

New Moon ended and whatever. Then I read Eclipse. Then my blood boiled. Then Bella and Jacob kissed on the mountain and um… I died. Literally. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! There is no merit behind that relationship for me. So he’s warm. So they’re friends. Do you want to screw him Bella? No. You love Jacob like a puppy. How about Edward? You want some good sparkly sex and you need to want the person you’re with... TRUST me on that one. The entire time I read it I felt like this kid. All I wanted to do was scream ‘is this real life?’ and ‘is this going to be forever?’

THIS

Enter movie. I saw New Moon twice. Once because well… I HAD to, and a second time because my cousin was trying to convince me that I didn’t hate it. After I saw it a second time I told her I hated it.

“Was it because there wasn’t enough Edward in it?” She asked.

“No. The book ruined it for me. I knew there wasn’t a lot of Edward. Any one who complains he wasn’t in the movie enough needs to read. The fact that Summit needed to put Robert Pattinson in it more just proves my point that no one believes the whole fucking plot of New Moon that is the basis for this mockery of a love triangle that ensues in Eclipse. We’re supposed to miss Edward—but Jacob and Bella—I wasn’t convinced. I was hoping the movie would convince me of what the book didn’t and I wasn’t. I still don’t get it. I don’t bite. I hate it.”

She didn’t have a response until she turned to me and said, “I think… I kind of agree.”

You see this has everything to do with Edward and nothing at the same time. Twilight spends the entire book building you up and then ripping away a beloved character. If you have the audacity to do that to me, replace him with someone who convinces me. Jacob didn’t convince me in the book.

Enter real life actors. Unfortunately Taylor Lautner didn't convince me in the movie. I didn’t see the chemistry between KStew and TLaut like I did with RPattz to NO fault of their own. I blame Stephanie Meyer's NM/ Eclipse lie. [This has NOTHING to do with whether or not you believe they are dating. People who reviewed the first movie said that their chemistry was undeniable—and it was. Twilight made Jacob such a child that I felt like it just... wasn't right.]

“Focus on the good CC.” My cousin told me as I cried [but not really]. I looked forward to NM SO much and I felt like I was bitch slapped just like the book. It’s the plot. I just don’t buy into it.

You know what I did buy into? Kristen Motherfucking Stewart. My favorite part of New Moon [the book] was the pages that simply had the names of the different months on them, and my GOD the movie fucking NAILED that for me. I wanted to do jump claps because I knew it was only moments before I was slamming my hands onto my head. When Bella was typing to Alice and she would get a ‘return to sender’ e-mail I was at the mercy of Her Holiness. I thought Kristen Stewart destroyed it—as much as you could given the material. *For those who don't speak English as a first language--destroyed in this sense is a good thing. Like she owned it.*

So, where does this all lead CC? Here:

"Hahaha. Me and Jacob Black. How Silly Edward... didn't you know it was all a big FAT LIE TO PISS OFF CC?"

This to me is Summit’s way of apologizing for Jacob Black cornering Bella Swan in front of the sink and saying the gayest words ever uttered in the history of movies before going in for a kiss based on a relationship that is the greatest literary lie ever told.

Well Summit? I’LL TAKE IT. Give me ALL the hot ass pictures of Bella and Edward that you want because the MOMENT that fucking kiss goes down in Eclipse you better hope I’m not holding anything in my hands or that I have a very far proximity to the screen so I cannot tear it down.

I’ve heard a lot of conspiracy theories over these pictures ‘leaking’ out but mine is the best. It’s an olive branch. It’s Summit’s way of trying to get me back into their good graces because my god Twilight owned my ass but New Moon chapped it. So Summit, here’s what I’m offering to you.

Never EVER do this again:

LIES.

Stop showing me this:

Put a fucking shirt on. Your bodies in the movie [these are CLEARLY airbrushed] are not NEARLY as gnarly as TLaut's.

And your shorts make you look like a bunch of assholes.

And keep up THIS:

"See me taking my shirt off. Take a hint."

"But your virtue!"

"I"m going to virtually break off your sparkly peen if you don't give it to me."

And I’ll forgive you. I’m a forgiving person. I may scream obscenities at you after the kiss in Eclipse, but fuck that, we know how it ends and I will be shouting I WIN! I WIN! IT WAS ALL A FUCKING LIE! IDIOTS! I TOLD YOU STEPHANIE MEYER! I KNEW YOU'D GET IT TOGETHER BY THE END OF THIS BOOK! [it's ok she repays us in wild vampire sex.]

Now I’m going to transition as to why KStew is one badass motherfucker in a movie franchise that isn’t exactly Oscar worthy. I’m not the biggest fan of SM’s writing, not a lot of you are. Maybe they're not the GREATEST books ever written but for the hours it takes you to read the series it has you engrossed in the pages of a world we all wished existed. It’s an escape. That’s a book’s job. Job well done. I still love and worship the series. Obv.

Judgers. A lot of people are judgers. People are constantly judging KStew for being in a shitty movie franchise, but she is not shitty at all. She blows me out of the water. So she bites her lip—bite my ass. She blinks. DO YOU NOT BLINK? Gosh, your eyes must be mighty dry. Kristen Stewart is the best Bella they could’ve ever picked because she went inside this superficial damsel in distress and turned it around to a girl that controlled her own destiny. I wanted to bitch slap book Bella for constantly being a fucking codependent victim, but my girl KStew did not victimize Bella. That rocked for me.

A lot of people are concerned about the hair. [It’s okay, we already talked about her real hair and we already know it’s epic.] So what if she has a busted wig in Eclipse? They’ll fix it onscreen and if they don’t then HEY join the likes of some of the Cullen’s and Jacob Black!

Yeah..no.. the wig looks great! Just as good as Rosalie's! And Alice's!

One of the best things against Twilight that I read said, "A lot of the physical side of it is conveyed in things like, the vampire will touch her forearm or run a hand over skin, and she just flushes all hot and cold. And for girls, that's a shorthand for all the feelings that they're not ready to deal with yet." This just in. I’m ready to deal with it. I hated that fucking virtue shit. WHAT IS THAT? Would you fucking DO HER already Edward you pussy? But these pictures give me hope that they will not cater to just the 10 year olds and instead include the best part of Eclipse. It also includes the rest of us who know that movie Edward and Bella [who are infinitely better than the book version], if given the choice, would fuck. And grab tits.

One of my favorite things was that MTV interview—you know the Twilight Glory Days when they weren’t afraid to talk about their lives—and the reporter says something about the number one most asked question and KStew says all cutely “Do vampires have sex?” Wanna know why? BECAUSE IT’S RETARDED THAT THEY DIDN’T HAVE SEX. Our Kstew knows it.

E: "I can't quite bring myself to do it, so I'll just barrier it. Is that cool?"

For me, they make Robert Pattinson look like a fucking fool the entire movie. [Don’t get me wrong, I still love him. Take your shirt off anytime. And yes, I WILL jump into your arms.] The objectification of Taylor Launter made my stomach gargle because he’s a fucking kid. [TLaut did the best he could with Jacob Black’s character. For what Jacob lacked in character development, TLaut made up for in muscle development.] But Kristen Stewart? She is the best thing that movie franchise has going for them and people can judge the franchise itself all they want and say it’s retarded and gay and whatnot— but KStew? She kills it. She destroys it, and a lot of critics could pick that out amongst the cringe worthy frolicking in the woods.

I bet you all tried to forget about this. I won't let you. I WON'T LET YOU.

But don't you dare judge my girl based on Twilight. I read in one magazine a girl saying, "Kristen Stewart should thank God she landed Bella Swan. She got lucky." UHHH WHAT? Bitch PLEASE. Fuck Twilight, we all know she’s better than Twilight. She was a star before and she’ll be a star after. She’s their asset. For all the haters out there who say they should replace Bella Swan with someone else I say FUCK YOU and THANK GOD Kristen Stewart got the part. She made it bearable. Fuck, she made it good. She was the redeeming quality in a movie I couldn’t even watch. She’s a WIN! In NO universe is Twilight better than KStew. It just doesn't exist.

Note: I am NOT putting down MFH loyalists. I know how you feel about him. The thing about Edward Cullen is that everyone thinks he's perfect. I kind of think he's nuts. And as far as Robert Pattison goes, he doesn’t even need to open his mouth for us to love him in a completely shallow and vain way. It's quite a double standard I will admit because Kristen? She needs to act her heart out because as women we like to tear other women down. People covet Edward Cullen [the idea of him] and Robert Pattinson [bc of fingers and jawporn] and therefore Kristen Stewart doesn't deserve to be and isn't good enough to be Bella Swan. This just in: NO ONE would please everyone, so move on haters. We’re rude and catty and hate girls who are better than we are [cough *KStew* cough]—except here because we ACCEPT that she's better than we are. In MFH’s defense, he at least made Edward more complex and tried to think about his situation. And if nothing else, the jawporn? PUH-LEASE. [Anonybitch, LOOK I'm objectifying BOYS now. Sexist to EVERYONE! I'm an equal opportunist if nothing else...]

In a movie where Summit by virtue of SM tried to convince me that Jacob Black was even slightly competition for Edward therefore causing me to puke and yell, I still believed my beloved KStew as Bella—and that is good enough for me.

She gives good face. Good Bella face. She doesn't look doe eyed. She looks thoughtful.

Because Kristen Stewart is the ONLY girl and the BEST girl to play Bella, and is part of an almost pairing I deem the greatest literary lie ever told [..at least until the end of Eclipse..] and I loved her even more because of it, KStew is WAY better than u.

[A/N: This was long. Really long.I wrote it on a plane ride. It killed time. I liked that. I must also admit I was nervous. I didn't know if you guys would understand my level of neurosis. I know it seems like New Moon was so long ago and Eclipse is still far away.... but this has been eating me alive—the whole Jacob/Bella and hating/loving New Moon thing and I owed it to you guys to brace yourselves for what happens when I see Eclipse [I have coping issues]. I may need rehab. Or a support group. Will you hold my hand?

I hope you all get this was in good fun and that Kristen Stewart can do no wrong as proved by being part of Twilight. I hope we are all grown up to see the books were flawed. I hope we realize that I actually fucking love the books and the fact that Stephanie Meyer could elicit this much emotion out of people is a WIN.

I won’t be posting again until the weekend because my life is hell on wheels—or cars and planes right now. I must divulge that not only do I have a real life job, but also I am in my final stages of getting my Master's, which I will hopefully obtain in MAY when [if?] I graduate from Grad School. For those of you who have gotten your master's I ask you HOW DID YOU SURVIVE? To those of you that haven’t it is hell on earth. Shittons of reading followed by shittons of writing. Life gets hectic—this is my reprieve. You guys are my reprieve. Still loving the twatters and the e-mails. Some of us are becoming quite good friends. Remember how I told you a secret in the beginning. Well I’m going to tell you another.

Lean in close.

Are you listening?

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I fucking love you guys. Forever.]