A Little Bit of Everything

Remember that time I didn’t post for 9 days? That time is now. I am so sorry for that time. Truth be told I could give you some long, dishonest, ridiculous reason but there are only two reasons why this happened.

1. P was admitted to the hospital in the beginning of last week and was holed up in there until Thursday. He was pretty sick for a while and we finally got the test results back yesterday. Prognosis: He is going to be just fine. Reality that I discovered: HE’S A BIG ASS BABY. Those of you that have boyfriends/husbands/significant others/fuck buddies can ALL attest to the fact that men are babies.

2. Upon P’s release, we drove to Martha’s Vineyard to spend the weekend with 16 of my closest family members. That was the closest I’ve ever come to trying to drown myself. What in the heck was I thinking? Oh wait, I couldn’t have been, for if I were I would’ve realized [upon further inspection] that FOUR DAYS ON AN ISLAND WITH 16 FAMILY MEMBERS IS CLOSER TO MY OWN PERSONAL HELL THAN I EVER COULD’VE EXPECTED.

RL

That being said, something good did come out of this experience. Once off the boat we stopped at the liquor store to buy out its entire stock. As we were checking out, KStew on the cover of Elle was staring me in the face. I decided I needed three. The guy asked if I meant to be purchasing three at one time. Bitchface ensued. P laughed hysterically and said, “I dare you to ask that again and walk away with your balls still hanging.” P is well trained. He knows how I roll. OF COURSE I MEANT TO BUY THREE YOU IDIOT.

So now I’m off the island, and I’m sorry. Are we still friends? I hope so. If not, please don’t tell me because I love you far too much.

Real life.

A LOT has happened since last we spoke. USA Today pics came out! Vogue shit went down! Fingers was on Ellen! (<- does that apply to this blog? No it doesn’t. But allow me to say this. I CALL HIM FINGERS FOR A REASON. THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE PLAYING PATTING PATTINSON... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO FOR THE FUCKING FINGERS. Thank you.) The Flaunt video was released! I wish we could’ve talked sooner about most of this. I was miserable without you. True story: I was sitting in a hospital room when the EP teaser came out, and when MoBS and Retail Therapy updated, and I was like FUCK, I NEED TO READ MY FIC! WTF P!? Priorities, people! (We don’t talk about fanfic here [although we SHOULD], but those of you that read those gems will understand my pain.)

Although I’m tardy to this party, I still want to discuss and know what you, my people, think. Let’s start with Vogue, shall we?

This is quite possibly the biggest FAIL we’ve come upon in a while, and I do not direct that towards Kristen. I direct that towards the universe. I was looking forward to this more than life itself. You guys who have been here for a little bit know that. If you forgot, allow me to tell you. I had the opportunity to talk to Anna Wintour during fashion week (read: I HAD NO CHANCE IN HELL), but I didn’t know KStew potentially had this cover so I never approached her. My missed opportunity really chapped my ass. Since Anna Wintour reads this gem of a blog, I decided I’d aid her in a job she’s clearly not cut out for (note the sarcasm). If you need a refresher please click HERE.

Then the June cover is released and noticeably absent is our beloved Kristen Stewart. Drama ensues… of course it does! As with most things there are two sides to the story and then the truth. Lucky for you guys, I obvs know the truth. I’ve never let you down before, have I? I told you all the juicy deets about Budapest so why stop now!?

Lainey reported that Kristen refused to give Wintour what she wanted and was unwilling to compromise. This was said to allegedly be in reference to a Mr. Robert Pattinson. (Is anyone else getting sick of that ugly asshole?) Let’s break this down for a second. Would you find it so hard to believe that Kristen didn’t want to spill the innermost details of her life to Vogue? I wouldn’t. A lot of us are saying BATTLE ON SISTER! Vogue would be just another cover in the masses. If you don’t want to talk about something, your ass doesn’t have to! That is Vogue’s loss not yours! The other half is saying it’s Vogue, and from a business perspective she should’ve been able to compromise somehow. Allow me to put this into perspective for you. If Wintour were coming after me I’d defo just fetal position it. (SURPRISE!) Did you SEE this preview?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Gossip Cop (and Kristen’s rep) said that she was never slated to be on the cover of Vogue. They also said they wouldn’t put the same actress on competing magazines at the same time. That makes sense to me; does it make sense to you? This is why gossip is a buffet. There are good points on both sides, and somewhere in the middle is the truth.

Here’s the truth. Remember that post I was just speaking about above? Well, at the time I was feeling SO generous towards Ms. Wintour that I even did a hypothetical interview, a power struggle if you will. Need a refresher? It went something like this:

I’m going to go out on a limb and said that it came down to the sunglasses. I’m blaming the sunglasses. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

While everyone was disappointed in her little one page ‘spread’ I suppose I had to laugh. Why? Because just in case you’ve been living under a rock, Vogue was there to inform you that Blake Lively does in fact have perky breasts. Nah-uh!

IDK about you, but I always look like that fresh off the beach.

Next you’re going to tell me that Jacob Black is in love with Bella Swan’s eggs.

Although this could be a dramatic thing, I suppose there is a great lesson to be learned from whatever transpired (or didn’t) with Vogue. I personally don’t believe either side entirely. I also personally do not care. Know why? There are other things out there for us KStew lovers. Other covers, if you will.

Wanna know something crazy? I got a forwarded e-mail that from someone who works at Vogue received (aka I made this up in my head) and it was so great I had to share:

Dearest Vogue,

KSIBTU.

Hearts, Elle

Meeee-ooowwwww!

Then this USA Today article comes out of noooooowhere and the world gasped. I gasped. Did you? Of course you did. Why? Because the article was FINALLY something new. They didn’t ask ‘so, you’re famous, how does that feel?’ A: Um… shitty. Thanks for asking. Instead, the reporter did their job by asking questions that actually pertained to the actors and not this fantastical life they lead.

One thing I will mention is this part:

“But all three take their Twilight-related duties to heart, whatever they might require. Stewart even leaps up in a panic at one point, fearing she misspelled a word in her salutation to Winfrey. She checks the book: ‘Believe — ie or ei?’”

Some people took this as Kristen being stupid. What? You’re stupid. She is so beyond her time it’s unreal. She was and is one of the most articulate kids out there today. Have you ever misspelled a word? Have you ever been unsure? How about this, have you ever been on Oprah? Written her a letter? Also, are your diamond shoes too tight, and your wallet too small for your hundreds? GOD it must be hard being so perfect!

Truthfully it was all about the pictures. The goodies kept coming, and as time progressed more pictures were being released. Great ones. Like this:

Taylor warned you not to get him upset.

First of all, relax Mr. Lauter; this isn’t a shoot for Twilight. It’s okay to look like a normal person. Summit won’t care. Second of all, watch those eyes Fingers. Lastly, how flipping cute does Kristen look, I mean seriously? Popped hip, hand on hip, toe prop. Fantastic.

Perhaps my favorite picture was this one:

If you don't giggle at this you're weird.

I don’t know why, but it just seems so uncharacteristic of what we normally get. This just seems FUN. This seems 20. You can’t help but smile when you see something like this. Because I’m biased towards Kristen, I can’t help that my eyes go to her first. That being said, I love to assess the boys’ reactions afterwards. Taylor, once again, cannot get out of this mindset:

Sit back and relax. Have a beef patty or two.

And Rob? Well it looks like the fellah’s got his hand in his pants! I kid… I think. Come to think of it…I would too buddy, I would too.

Why? Because I unf for KStew. Why? Because KStew is better than you.

Then yesterday the Flaunt video came out. We all know these pictures are unbelievable. They are raunchy, hardcore, and exceptionally H.O.T. Did you unf? Of course you unf’d. You’re not idiots. But the video? The video makes you love Kristen even more than you already did. She was bright and cheery. She wasn’t scowling as she is always accused; she was normal. Alas, she really is a normal girl!

Let’s discuss it just a little bit, shall we?

The video begins with Kristen saying how the shoot reminded her of Into the Wild.

OMGGG Kristen me toooooo!!!!! Let’s be friends, mkay!? That is one of my favorite books in the world, and consequently one of my favorite movies. We got to hear Kristen sing during that movie, and that let us know that she was going to be just fine when playing Ms. Jett because girlfriend has some pipes (unlike a certain someone aka ME).

The stills were amazing, I mean seriously. Let’s look:

Whatcha lookin at, hmmm?

I suppose the best part was the line about inner beauty.

“What to me is inner beauty? I mean I’m sure that there’s like some answer that *laughing sigh * I don’t know an answer. What the fuck is inner beauty! It’s like…”

This is quite possibly one of my favorite lines she has ever said. You guys know I love her one-liners and this one made me laugh my ass off. When she says it there is not a trace of animosity in her voice, it’s genuine as in—no really, what the fuck is inner beauty!? I’d have to say that inner beauty is overwhelmingly subjective, specifically in reference to the male species.

Can’t you relate though? I hate when people ask you ‘what do you look for in a guy’ and girls say ‘oh he has to be nice, understanding, funny, and has to cherish me.’ Fuck no. He has to be tallish. He has to have blue eyes because I want my kids to have blue eyes because I’m selfish like that. I need to want to rip his clothes off and run my tongue down his torso… and he best have nice hands *ahem*.

Guess what I didn’t talk about? Inner beauty. I googled inner beauty so I could get an official grasp on exactly what people want when they say that.

Yeahhhh.... whaaa?

I clicked on the image results, and pictures of flowers riddled the page. Flowers? That’s what’s inside of you? I hope I don’t have flowers in me because pollen makes me sneeze my ass off. So does inner beauty = something that’s beautiful that is within you? I applied some of the things that google deemed ‘inner beauty’ to Kristen.

Here are the results:

Wait a second. Right now all of this is inside her?

Need a closer look?

This beauty is inside of Kristen:

I'm sneezing at the prospect of this

This beauty is inside of Kristen:

A heart on fiyah

And this beauty is inside of Kristen:

please excuse me while I change my panties.

Bwahahaha, was that too vulgar? Sorry. That’s my jealousy showing. I really just wanted a way to post this picture because HOLY S-H-I-T-B-A-L-L-S I died when this was released.

Now some will take this as me saying Kristen is vain, and that is not true. I’m saying that I am vain. She isn’t. She continued that quote by saying,

“I know what they want from that, you know what I mean? And I don’t know how to be like ‘Well I really like when guys are funny and dorky.’ I’ve never really gone out with someone who I found attractive… initially. * giggle * I mean that says something…”

Yes it does. It means perhaps you don’t date for looks, but I mean let’s face it… the looks don’t hurt.

I loved this video because she was chatty. She wasn’t guarded. She was letting loose. She felt comfortable. She was candid. She was glib. She was everything you want a 20 year old to be. But she also looked hot.

We all know I love Fingers in the most vain and self-absorbed way. I hate smoking with a passion. My grandfather died of lung cancer after having smoked for 59 years. I fucking hate cancer sticks. But let me tell you something. Smoking never looked so good to me until I saw this:

UUUNNNNFFFFFFFF

But this chick is quickly overshadowing that pic:

UUUNNNFFFF

Although I don’t condone the act, I enjoyed the hotness. It also reminded me of the kiss in The Runaways (which btw, are you all voting? You should be. I could give a fuck who you vote for in reference to best kiss, but let’s just say we all know KStew will be standing up there regardless.)

Now let’s look at the pretty:

her pretty is better than your pretty

Now let’s look at the cute:

'Wait, now I'm dating Rob Zombie!?'

YES YOU ARE.

Now let’s look at the hotness:

I alway sit in my trailer wearing Valentino, Burberry and Monique Lhuillier. Idk about you.

May the Stew be with you.

Because of all of the above, KStew is better than you.

[A/N: Please forgive my neglecting this little blog. Real life was such a whore last week. It won’t happen again. This is LITERALLY the calm before the storm. She’s going to Australia, she’s going to Korea, SHE’S GOING TO THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS, she’s going places. Guess what? SO AM I! We will be talking later in the week. I love ya more than my empty luggage!]