One hElle of a Magazine

Holy guacamole.

If you've ever wondered what holy guacamole looks like, I suspected

it looked like this. Note the fine print.

That’s all I really need to say about what has transpired these past few days, but we all know I cannot get out of here in fewer than 2,000 words.

As with everything else, I like to wait until I have the magazine in question within the grasp of my fingers before I start to fangirl. Allow me to tell you this: I have never fangirled so hard in the entirety of my life. I want to tell you about my journey with Elle before we begin discussing it.

I was able to get my hands on Elle US rather quickly. Now I can walk into any grocery store and KStew hotness is plastered all over the place. That’s awesome. I told you how I snatched up 3 copies in the Vineyard, much to the cashier’s chagrin. He can blow me for all I care.

Oh hai!

Elle UK was an entirely different story. On Tuesday, a lovely girl found a couple of copies in downtown NYC. On my way back towards NYC, I stopped at a million Barnes & Nobles to try to match the awesomeness, but I came up empty handed. I suppose I’ll never be awesome, but I’m okay with that. Own your flaws people. On Wednesday I knew I had to get this freaking magazine if it was the last thing I did. One of my bloggie bffs, TheUrbanWhisk, sent me a tweet saying she’d be down to hunt with me.

Game. On.

She was the first person I had ever actually met up with from KSIBTU, and I had a whole Amber Alert system ready just incase she was a psycho. (I am beyond paranoid because I see some of the batshit crazy people on twitter.) GOOD NEWS. She isn’t a psycho or a killer! She’s actually awesome. I’m glad I got over my fear since 15+ people are coming to NY for the opening of Eclipse, and to celebrate Jacob Black finally fucking off until he falls in love with eggs.

Anyhow, did any of you in the Tri-State area step outside on Wednesday? It was fucking gross. You sweat just standing. You sweat walking. You.just.sweat. I showed up at the wrong Borders (way to go, idiot), but eventually we met up at Columbus Circle. I was dripping, and she was waiting with a bottle of Pellegrino Limonata. She’s now my best bud for life. The Borders where we met didn’t have the magazine. They can suck my nonexistent nuts. We then took a cab downtown to where quiet_soliloquy had found her mag. As we walked in, my eyes fell upon this beautiful girl. I nearly fainted but not.

Why all the copies, huuuuh?

TheUrbanWhisk grabbed one copy because she is demure and not psychotic... unlike her magazine shopping counterpart (ME). I snatched up some copies and went to check out. “Do you mean to buy all of these?” the cashier asked. “Uh, yeah.” I answered. 30 bones later (bones=dollars in CC lingo) I was the proud owner of 3 copies of Elle UK. I was vibrating in excitement outside.

From that point on I was a broken record, constantly repeating, “I can’t believe we actually got them!”

Great first impression.

To celebrate? Mexican food and Coronas, duh!

When I finally got home I was able to open the fresh pages and look at her Holy Hotness. When I tell you it is infinitely better in person, I literally mean IT IS INFINITELY BETTER IN PERSON. The pictures are beyond unf worthy in both US and UK.

Let’s begin with the US edition. When I saw this picture:

without a doubt my favorite picture ever. hands.down.

I died a thousand deaths. Did you? Well of course you did. For someone who claims to have no ass, well my goodness that looks like a robust bum to me. Work it girlfriend.

Listen to me when I tell you that the US article was absolutely nothing to point your nose up at. I had never even read it in its entirety before I purchased the magazine. Of course I had read the parts about cheapening relationships and wanting to cry in front of photographers, but there’s so much more.

With each article that gets released, there is more and more honesty and authenticity pouring out of this girl. A girl that nearly everyone in the world wants a piece of.

The author noted, “But she’s so young and full of promise, that as you watch her ape her detractors, you find yourself hoping she’ll survive the celebrity spin cycle.”

She will survive.

When I saw this picture:

omg, how weird is it that I have a room like this in my house as well!?

I couldn’t get over the irony of the photograph, and I sincerely hope it wasn’t lost on you. A young girl trapped in a room surrounded by pictures of herself. Her mouth, her eyes, her face, her hair, her legs, her body, her everything. They are all glamour shots, and yet there she sits—stuck in a room surrounded by her own vanity.

Welcome to Hollywood.

The article spends a lot of time speaking about just how much Kristen really does care. Chris Weitz said that she literally felt everything that she was portraying, and that at times he was concerned with just how far she was going to feel Bella’s pain. Every director thereafter said the same exact thing. She cares, and those who cannot see it are TRYING not to see it. Some people choose to focus on/create the negative as opposed to staying positive. If you don’t like her, fuck off and go somewhere else. Why hate one person, when you could love another? Kristen is good at what she does, and it translates brilliantly to film.

Something else I wanted to bring up was when the author said, “… Stewart was raised among a bevy of brothers. There’s Cameron, her biological brother, who is 24; Taylor, who is Stewart’s age and was adopted at age 13; and Miles and Obie, friends of Cameron’s ‘that we’ve like adopted along the way,’ she says. ‘I’ve always said I’ve had a bunch of brothers because we have a bunch of boys who are like family.’”

Kristen Stewart... and all of her brothers

What I got out of that is that she desperately needs a sister. Well guess what Kristen? I’M YOUR GAL! I can hang! I have brothers! So exactly where do I submit the paperwork to be ‘taken in’ by the Stewarts?

Now for the UK article. It was much more light-hearted and much more wow-worthy.

I know what you want me to talk about. I KNOW what you want me to talk about, but guess what? I won’t… yet. I have never outright mentioned ThatRelationshipOfWhichIDoNotSpeak. I have subtly hinted at certain things in good fun, but actually recognize it? No way! The crazies get crazy because 'this is a KStew blog and RPattz doesn’t belong in it'! Well this is my blog, so I’ll swallow that bitter pill today and put my balls to the wall. It is time for me to directly acknowledge the elephant in the room. That being said, you’ll have to wait until the end because we had to wait until the end of the article. Patience is a virtue.

Just as KStew is better than you, Elle UK destroyed Elle US. There’s legit no competition. When I got home from Operation Locate Elle, P looked in my black bag full of the same magazine.

“Again?” He said cocking an eyebrow.

“Shut up.” I said grabbing the bag.

“CC, you’re out of control.”

“P, you’ll STFU if you know what’s good for you.”

“Why do you need three?”

“Why do you get 4 copies of Sports Illustrated in the mail? I don’t judge you.”

He shrugged and walked away. Then, as I was deeply engrossed in the pages, he grabbed my copy (a little too roughly, might I add) and said, “What’s all the hype. She’s not even that hot.”

Then we broke up.

I have very nice hands. So does P.

Just kidding! But it’s official that he’s a fucking idiot. He told me he’d “hit that” and I told him I wanted to kick him in the jugular. You don’t hit that in reference to Kristen Stewart.

This is a good article. To the magazine’s credit, although it is very short, it seems longer because of all of the drool worthy pictures. It is a job well done by the reporter. It isn’t too serious, and it isn’t too formal. I do not feel like there’s some crazy reporter looking for a story, instead it seems like two people driving nowhere on the open road. On.The.Road. (weird, huh?)

Let’s start from the top. The reporter gets into the car and Kristen starts out with, “I’m not going to kill you.” Hey Kristen guess what? You can totes kill me. I wouldn’t even care. Legit. And I guarantee all of you guys would be like hey, at least Kristen killed her. She died happy. So the next time we’re chilling in your car, don’t even worry about it! (Please note that I am kidding. I do not in fact want to die. Although Kristen driving wouldn’t be a bad way to go.)

Speaking of being a creep, did you not die when her phone rang and it was a stalker? “I have one crazy stalker. It’s not worth changing my number for. I’m pretty certain that it’s some girl who got my number from someone I went to school with who’s like, ‘I’ve got Kristen Stewart’s number!'”

Shit. Now you all know about me.

weirddddd

Bwahahahah! Just kidding. That’s actually entirely fucked up, and yet I’m kind of surprised that she has had the same number for that long. It’s got to be hard being famous because someone will sell your number for a dime bag or just a chance to brag that they have Kristen Stewart’s phone number. Solidarity sister.

Also in the news, Kristen calls vaginas cooters. I’m down with that because it’s not so vulgar. The word cunt makes my skin crawl, and a pussy is not a vagina—it’s a wimp. I had a friend, who I now loathe, who would always scream at girls that their cooters were showing. It made ZERO sense so do not try to figure it out. I told her to fuck off every time, but now I have a new appreciation for the word. I call a vagina a vagina. When did everything become so fancy? Simplicity works best for my little brain.

Kristen also spoke about Lindsay saying, “My family are amazing. I had like, the perfect upbringing. It sucks for people like Lindsay, but it’s not her fault that she’s so off the rails.” For the first time ever, I will disagree with Kristen. I believe that at a certain point we are all responsible for our actions. Lindsay isn’t a kid. Your parents aren’t putting that cocaine up your nose. Get a fucking grip on reality. You’re 23 years old. That being said, it was nice of Kristen to stand up for her. People are constantly saying she’s not a girl’s girl. She’s a fucking girl’s girl if I’ve ever seen one.

It would be entirely ignorant to say that Kristen doesn’t light up when asked about playing Joan Jett. Something we can all relate to (or at least those of us who have had the pleasure of seeing The Runaways) is wanting to fuck shit up post-movie awesomeness. I wanted to break shit. I wanted to join a band. I wanted to kiss girls. I wanted to rock out. I just wanted. When the reporter said she wanted to drink and smoke it was so relatable for us average Joes, and I floved it… and so did Kristen.

We also learned (again) that Joan loves that Kristen cut her hair.

I LOVE THAT KRISTEN CUT HER HAIR!!

This is a sign that Joan and I were meant to be bff forevsies as well, duh.

“She’s definitely a talent, this girl.”

Love.That.Line.

Let's all be honest though, she could've said anything in the world and no one would've cared--so long as the ending of that article was still there. The masses are dying over the end, and I’ve read it over and over until I was blue in the face. It's clear cut. Anyone with eyes gets what was going on. People who claim it was something other than what it was are simply fucking with you. You cannot deny that.

I love Kristen. I love Rob. If they wanna screw around then that’s great because I love when hot people get together (McGosling anyone!?). Whether or not they are actually in love never concerned me because I don’t have a shot with either of them and they aren’t actually tangible human beings. They are simply projections and manifestations of what we want them to be. I picture KStew as some badass chick who kicks ass and takes names. If she’s not really like that? Well I don’t want to hear it.

Wait so... she's this badass 24/7, right?

I guess I can say that I am entirely convinced that they are doing more than knocking boots… or Nikes.

Sure I like to joke, but I cannot ignore the elephant in this article because it was done quite intentionally by Ms. Stewart.

We all know that in the beginning of the article the author refers to both Edward Cullen and Robert Pattinson as “deliciously handsome”. That makes sense because he is so fucking delicious it hurts. Jawporn. Fingers. YUMMMM. At the article’s conclusion Kristen offers up her iPod and quickly defends herself.

“Can you get my iPod out of the glove box?’ she says. ‘Oh, shit!’ She laughs a throaty laugh. ‘It’s so weird, that you have to be worried about people seeing things. You want to be excited about something, normal people can be excited about their lives, and I am, too, but it’s such a different thing. It comes out as entertainment for other people and that makes me want to throw up.’ She slides her sunglasses, and adds in a small voice, ‘Do you want to pick something to put on? If you look at the pictures on here I’ll kill you.”

It was in this moment that it dawned on me that maybe, just MAYBE, she was referencing being excited about her relationship (referred to twice as entertainment to others) with a certain “deliciously handsome” young man. Young love, or love in general, is exciting. That excitement can easily be ruined when something [you haven’t even made public] is so scrutinized that it even has an ENTIRE fandom divided. That is obscene. That isn’t fun and she knows it. So she kept what was hers to herself…

...until she didn’t want to anymore.

“She takes the iPod back, pauses and bites her lip nervously. ‘This is what I wanted to show you on here.’ Kristen hands me her iPod and flashes me a picture. It’s a familiar, deliciously handsome young man with an arm around her and an arm around Jella, her cat. Without saying a word, she quickly shoved the device back into the glove compartment and turns up the volume before I can say anything.”

I picture Jella singing "I don't think you're ready for this jelly,

I don't think you're ready for this Jelly, I don't think you're

ready for this 'cause my body's too bootylicious for you baby."

That is how you do something on your own terms. And guess what? She wasn’t coerced, she wasn’t asked, and she wasn’t forced. She did it her way.

As you know, there is nothing coincidental about the repetition of the word "deliciously handsome". Writers will do anything to not reuse a word or phrase. When repetition does take place, it is entirely intentional. She’s a fucking reporter. That is a play on words. End of story.

Allow me to draw a parallel to myself. To reject this notion is to turn to me and say ‘every time you say Fingers, you’re referring to Taylor Lautner.’ The answer is just no. You know who Fingers is, and whether you like it or not—you now know who that deliciously handsome young man is.

This is how she wanted it to be. She did this. Let the girl live and move on.

Also, how many pictures do you keep of people ON YOUR FREAKING IPOD. Guess how many I have? NONE. Guess how many iPods I have? THREE.

That’s my opinion and now you know it. It’s okay to respectfully disagree. We can all still love one another to the end of the ocean and back.

Let’s move on and look at the hotness:

fucking flawless.

The sexiness:

o_O

The UNFness:

You can't even imagine how good this looks in person.

Because it was one hElle of a spread, KStew is better than you.

When I gave away six issues of Flaunt, I asked you guys what your favorite shoot was. An overwhelming number of you chose Elle. Perhaps you were referencing Elle US, but Elle UK is way better. The pictures are freaking ridiculous. It’s unreal in person. It would be so beyond selfish of me to keep all of this awesomeness to myself… so… I’m not!

In honor of this epic magazine, I’m giving away TWO copies of Elle UK to anyone in the world who desires it.

All you have to do is leave a comment with a NAME and either an E-MAIL ADDRESS and/or TWITTER name. Need an idea for a comment? What do YOU call a vagina?

On Monday I will announce the winners.

This could be yoursssss!!!

Best of luck, and may the Stew be with you!

[A/N: At 7:45am tomorrow I am flying California. WHAT’S GOOD WEST COAST!? I will be traveling from now until the end of June. Can’t wait for the excitement to come from KStew, and we will be there every step of the way. Enjoy this weekend, and to my US readers: I hope you have some kickass BBQ’s this Memorial Day weekend!! Eat, drink and be merry! I love ya more than my packed luggage!]