OOOO-PPPPPRAAAAAHHHHH! and the winners!

I've always been an instant gratification kind of gal. I hate when you want something and someone makes you wait until the end to get it. If I liked dessert, I'd totally be pissed that it comes at the end of a meal--but I'm a salt person so I'm okay with that.

So, there is no time like the present to announce the winners of the magazines!!! Allow me to preface this announcement by saying that I was overwhelmed with your responses. They were long and wonderful. They were thoughtful. They were beautiful. Oh, and you all congratulated me, which was highly unnecessary, but thank you so much!! I realized that a lot of you are in school right now, which means you are completing your finals or just finished. To that I say: CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Back to the contest. First I went to random.org and put everything in:

And then it calculated the winners who areeeee:

#15- @Cassidy24

#34- @MelissaF03

#38- @agus_ap

#59- @Whatfresh_hell

#61- @MissTee_Luv

#76- @KPattzLovin

Congratulations to those who won! I will be contacting you very soon. To those who didn’t win allow me to say not to hang your head low just yet. There are a LOT more magazines coming up, and from the amount of you that said Elle was your fav photo shoot…. well let’s just say I may love that one as well. ;)

Moving on, I previously stated that we would discuss Oprah today, so you bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow they’ll be sun we’re talking about Oprah. Can I let you in on something you won’t find hard to believe? I was such a weird fucking kid. I had friends. I played sports. So how was I weird? I floved Oprah… and I mean I FLOVED the show. I would tape it nearly every day. It was so bazaar. My parents would literally say ‘what the fuck is wrong with you’ and my answer would be “NO, REALLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?”

I would defo get annoyed during the Christmas giveaway show. That shit pissed me off. Why wasn’t I ever invited! And then there was that show that she gave everyone a freaking car. Like what!?

Anyhow, a lot of my aunts and uncles are doctors. It was clearly something in their water. I clearly didn’t drink their water. My bank account clearly hates me for missing that water. I sort of hate myself as well.

One day, when I was in 8^th grade, I got home from school and my aunt was over. She called me into the kitchen.

Aunt: Hi baby how was school?

CC: Fine. What’s up? Why are you here?

Aunt: I wanted to talk to you.

CC: Like as a doctor orrr...?

Aunt: Kind of.

CC: I love you. I know I’m weird, but do you really think I need to be seeing a psychiatrist, let alone one that is my aunt?

Aunt: You’re out of your ever-loving mind. I’m here to tell you something that came up as a result of my job.

CC: Oh cool, what’s that?

Aunt: Well, I got invited to be on a show for my professional opinion.

CC: But like a doctor one?

Aunt: Correct.

CC: What show?

My aunt looks over at my mother who is smirking while trying not to look at me.

CC: What show?

Aunt: Well… Oprah.

I jumped out of my chair and did a happy dance.

CC: CAN I COME, PLEASE!!!

Aunt: Absolutely.

Mom: Because you’re the only bitch crazy enough to want to go to that ridiculous show.

Fast forward a few months and I was sitting in the audience of Oprah. I had on a nice and bright shirt because that’s what Oprah said to wear. I had my make up done at Bloomingdales on North Michigan Avenue. Sure I was only 14 so they didn’t really do anything, but in that moment I was invincible.

Oprah approached my aunt in the audience and said hello. I was about to wet myself when aunt turned to introduce me. My armpits were pouring and my hand was surely slimy.

This.Was.It.

Then? Then someone pulls Oprah away to do something else. And that was it. We never said hi, and I never got to shake the Mighty O’s hand. W.T.F?!

After a good two years of unabashed loyalty I broke up with Oprah, and I never watched her show again.

(as if it was her fault or something? Perhaps I just came to my senses)

Anyhow, Oprah landed the Twifecta. That had to be an interesting thing to do, but she did it. I had a lot of readers from outside the US e-mailing me about this and all I kept saying was, “She’s one of the richest people in the world. She says words however she damn pleases and no one tells her otherwise. She’s the Mighty O. You don’t fuck around with that shit.”

'bahah taylor we've watched u do crack behind a barn!'

The Twifecta on Oprah was sheer brilliance, and there is nothing I can tell you that you haven’t already concluded yourself. The Twifecta has an undeniable chemistry together that makes for quality TV.

Before we begin I need to ask you what the hell this exactly means:

PICK A FUCKING SIDE.

So, what did I love about the show? What we all loved about the show!

I loved when Kristen gave that girl one of the rings from the set of the movie. That is one of the nicest things ever. Did you guys see the intensity Kristen had while watching her speak? It was crazy. She wasn’t just hearing the girl; she was listening.

Let's do it together: cuuuutteee *lucky bitch*

I loved when Oprah asked Taylor if he was as squeaky clean as he comes off as. I bet he probably is. The poor kid is objectified for his unnaturally fit body. He couldn’t smoke or have a beer if he even wanted to. I don’t know if he told the truth—none of us do. What I DO know is that neither Kristen OR Rob could’ve answered that question by the time they were probs 15. I love it.

I also loved when that picture of Taylor’s abs came on and Kristen was like “TAYLOR!” I actually laughed out loud. That’s got to be embarrassing to see… especially on Oprah where grown women are ogling him. The thing about TLaut and me is that I just feel like I’d be crushing on a kid. That’s creepy. The fact that grown women do it just freaks me the heck out.

If I were the editor of the show, when they showed Taylor’s abs, I would’ve cut to this pic:

'are you for serious doing this?'

Doesn’t that seem more fitting? I don’t drool over my 15 year old brother’s abs. Know why? THAT’S FUCKED UP. Good, I’m glad we went over that.

I loved when Rob threw Kristen under the bus for making fun of his accent. That was just hysterical, and she couldn’t even deny it!

The actual pic before she failed at trying to dig herself out of the hole. So cute.

I would also like to give props to TLaut for going into the sorority house. Holy shitballs I would never do that. 35+ sexually charged college girls who want your beef patty? Oh no thank you!

My personal hell

So I’m pretty sure we all know that my shining star is DFanning. Oprah tried to get Dakota to open up about Kristen, but girlfriend’s got that shit locked down. She would never. So instead she skirted around the issue and said what a good friend Kristen was and in turn Kristen gushed about Dakota. Um, guys? That’s why I’m yachting them.

'She shows me her cheerleading tricks.'

I just about wet myself when Dakota said her 12-year-old sister was building a robot and named it after Rob. Is that not the funniest thing you’ve ever heard? Your fucking sister is Dakota Fanning. She could have his number in the drop of a hat, and you name a robot after him? Too.fucking.cute.

The only other time I nearly keeled over from laughing was The Question. Rob's response: “Kristen is pregnant.”

As if that wasn’t good enough, Kristen has to bring up the fact that she couldn’t squeeze a watermelon out of her little hips.

"He's having the baby because I can't. Imagine a baby coming out of this thing. That's just not going to happen."

Funniest.Moment.Hands.Down. I love that she gestured to her lady parts like ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THESE NARROW HIPS? FUCK NO! I hear once you have kids it’s never the same down there. Well now that’s a damn shame because a vagina is such an attractive thing pre-baby.

I had an issue with this show... actually two. Two things slightly annoyed me about this episode.

The first is how Oprah kept telling Kristen she was shy. No shit Oprah, you want a billion bones for that? (I refer to dollars as bones, don’t ask.) Perhaps one time it’s okay, but to say it before every freaking question was a bit much for me. She answered the fucking questions, did she not? She answered them eloquently, did she not? So why the hell do you have to keep saying ‘I know you’re shy’ before everything? Would you go up to a fat person and say ‘listen I know you’re fat but let’s talk about cheeseburgers’ and from that point on refer to them as fatass? NO. It doesn’t help to point it out is all I’m saying. I thought Kristen did a brilliant job up there. She needn’t be embarrassed about being shy. It’s the Mighty fucking O for crying out loud.

"Oprah, you best mind your manners bc CC already has a vendetta against you."

The second thing? Taylor’s abs got ogled. Rob’s being in Time magazine and People was mentioned. Those boys deserve that recognition. But guess what? Kristen was on that list with Rob as well. She was also voted as the 6^th hottest girl ever made (perhaps I embellished that a bit?). I understand it’s all about the sex appeal for the boys, but perhaps some of us UNF for KStew too. Allow me to correct that—WE ALL UNF FOR KSTEW.

Perhaps that’s a new shirt idea to add to the list? (which btw please continue to be patient, I assure you it’ll be worth it!)

THIS.

Are ya with me!?

So the show ended with a new clip of Edward like toooootally defending his gal after the pup slobbered all over precious Bella. It’s okay though, Bella totally punched him so hard that he didn’t even feel it—but her hand shattered. (Oh Stephanie, that’s not fucked at all!) Everyone thought angry Edward was hot. I was just relieved that he wasn’t in a suit. As I was searching through the caps for this post I saw these Edward and Jacob ones and brilliance (retardation) popped into my head and I couldn’t resist. I was watching a love battle go on, but it wasn't the same one you were seeing...

Alternate scene:

I > Summit; KStew > You

I will come out and say that Oprah was without a doubt the best Twifecta appearance ever. From the panels overseas to everything in between, this was the bomb diggity. Everyone got asked questions. Everyone got to joke. It was just a happy experience that totally made me jazzed to see Eclipse.

Oh and one last thing.

*giggles*

KStew looked HOT. I totally UNF’d for Kristen.

Because she totally killed it on Oprah, KStew is better than you.

all pics are courtesy of TwilightPoison

[A/N Infinite thanks to Buff for making the speech bubbles. I almost threw my computer off of my bed trying to figure that shit out. I flove u Buff. Forevsies. Now, what was your favo Oprah moment? I couldn’t choose. Loved it all. Licked it up. Loved it almost as much as I love all of you! We will defo talk later in the week!]