You're welcome, Vogue.

Today is a dreary day in my neck of the woods, is it in yours? You know what cheers me up? KStew. You know what else cheers me up? All you lovely cats. Let’s forge ahead my funny people.

Wednesday night I was inundated with e-mails from you lovies on that piece by Showbizspy. I’m going to address this momentarily and then move on to what’s in store for today. For those who live under a rock and haven’t seen it click here. What do I think? I think it’s rude and wrong of Showbizspy. I also think it’s nonsensical for two reasons. The first reason is that there have been AMPLE opportunities to get pictures of them together and people don’t. This could be because of the giant men that surround them. These giant men are intimidating; it’s their job. This could also be because some people actually respect that they are humans and not spectacles.

The second reason is this hypothetical picture, if ever snapped, would most likely be taken by a Twihard/Robstenite. If it were to be taken by a Twihard/Robstenite I assume it would be sent to a fansite, like a lot of fan pics are, and made viral that way. Not all Twihards are batshit crazy and want monetary gain for seeing people they adore. Sometimes they just want to share pics with the fandom.

My point is this so called ‘bounty’ doesn’t really change anything in my eyes. Suddenly because there is money involved you’re going to take a picture of them that you wouldn’t have before? NO. If you take that picture now you were going to take it all along—before the money was put out there. It’s a morals thing. So allow me to offer this. If you DO get a picture of them, I’ll pay you £51 to not sell them to that skank Showbizspy. Or better yet I’ll pay you £51 to shut up and forget this ridiculous thing ever happened. Problem solved. BOOYAH.

Okay so last week I was in NYC for fashion week. My life is pretty mundane and monotonous. When good things come up I jump on it like you wouldn’t believe. My friend phoned me a few weeks back and said, “Hey listen I have tickets to fashion week. Can you come and we’ll hit up a few shows?” I answered with an emphatic, “YES!” I can work from home occasionally; it’s no big deal. I hightailed it to NYC. [Remember when I talked about watching Dear John in NYC? That’s why I was there.]

Looking up from BP. Picture courtesy of CC's iphone.

I wish I could brag and tell you my friend is some insider or bigwig at Vogue or Marie Claire but that is just not the case. She works for a magazine but she is the bitch’s bitch. She gets the lowest person on the totem pole coffee. She works in the shoe stock room. A room, the size of most of our houses, full of the most brilliant shoes. Know what sucks? She can’t do anything but take them off a shelf, put them in a box, and hand them to someone else. Dante… are you reading this? Add THAT as a circle of hell because I would rather PERISH than watch all those shoes go by with idle hands… and feet.

Perk? Bryant Park tickets. I went to Monique Lhuillier on Monday. It was nice. Got to do a little partying afterwards. There was vokda. Vodka = happy CC. I spoke with a bunch of my friends about it afterwards and one asked, “Did you see Rachel Zoe?” I responded, “Yes but then she turned sideways and disappeared.”

I sat waaaaaaaay the fuck in the back. Then on Tuesday morning I went and saw Badgely Mischka. It was un-frikkin-real. Then I was supposed to see more, but work is a bitch and I had to fly to Virginia for literally 12 hours that turned into 24. I don’t travel a lot for my job but when I do it’s on rickety planes and I stay in hotels where I choose to sleep atop the bed and not in it. It’s THAT nice. I made it back to NYC on Thursday in time for J. Mendel. After that show I wished I had somewhere special to go so I could wear those gowns. Then I wished I had money to buy one.

As we were leaving, my friend’s boss pulled her aside and said, “Here take these. I have two extra tickets and you look nice today.” SHIBBY! We got to go to one more show last minute—which was Tommy Hilfiger. DO YOU KNOW WHO WAS THERE? Let me tell you. Anna Wintour and an Olsen (who cares which one really?). Talk about foreshadowing? I wish I had known about Vogue. I would’ve bum-rushed the stage to give Anna my creative input—because she cares what I think. [On a side note: I found out afterwards while talking to some girl I didn’t know (because my friend left me to TAKE A PICTURE WITH ED WESTWICK) that this was the final show in Bryant Park for that week and forever. It’s moving to Lincoln Center… who knew!?]

Is she an actual human? Has that been proven yet?

So then KStew comes along and has this EPIC weekend and destroys everything in her path with being absolutely awesome. But then? Then she shows up at Burberry. Fuck. KStew is so better than me. She shows up looking like this:

"You're welcome world."

That coat. That skirt. That top. That face. I. am. died. It all looked so freaking good together. Hands down my fav look, was it yours? Oh and that skirt? Only her body could look like that in that skirt. That would make my hips look gargantuan and lumpy. Have you guys ever seen Talladega Nights? There is a part where everyone is sitting around a table and Will Ferrell is asking his demon children how their days were. The youngest starts to talk about school saying, “My teacher asked me ‘What’s the capital of North Carolina.’ I said ‘Washington D.C.’ She said ‘No! You’re wrong!’. I said ‘You’ve got a lumpy butt!’. Then she got mad at me and yelled at me.” That skirt would make me have a lumpy butt for sure. KStew kills it.

Then Her Holiness gets in and takes her seat front and center [because she’s important] between Kate Hudson and Claire Danes. [BTW, Claire Danes? I’ll always think of her as Juliet circa ’96. Always.] That’s some BIIIIIIG shit. That being said, KStew is Woman of the Year for crying out loud! She’s tooooooootally got this one in the bag. So I watched the show [aka watched KStew watch the show] and noticed the entire time she was bouncing her leg. I loved that. That was endearing. It shows all the people out there that she always fidgets—it’s not just something she does in an interview to piss you off! Alas, riddle solved.

"Tee hee hee, I already own that coat and it's not even off the runway yet..."

Also in the front row near her? An Olsen. And Across from her? Anna Wintour. Uh HELLO!!! One week prior I was sitting so far in the back of a show that I couldn’t even really see the models, but I saw a glimpse of Anna and an Olsen! I practically met KStew [go with it people…]!!!! Then as if front row aka FROW porn wasn’t enough, we get this Vogue news. VOGUE! After reading Lainey’s take on it I was salivating at this idea.

“…while Vogue is by no means as dishy as, say, Vanity Fair, they are pushing for more substance in addition to the expected style profile. And Stewart has been reluctant to open up personally. Wintour will try to dictate, Stewart will push back.”

I don’t know whether I’m more excited that she landed the cover or that Anna Wintour will try to tame the Stew [sounds like a book, no?]. The struggle could be epic. We’ve all seen The Devil Wears Prada, right? Can you imagine that shit in real life? Ugh. So good. I watched this video just to get in the mood:

.THIS.

I’d pay shittons to listen to those negotiations as well as the interview because everyone has tried to get KStew to bare her soul to them and she just WILL. NOT. DO. IT. Good for her! Everyone wants a piece of her and everyone wants an answer to that question that has divided the fandom. She hasn’t bit yet. She’s fierce. She’ll bitchface you until you cry to your mommy. I imagine the interview will go something like this:

Q: “You once said you wanted to be in Robert Pattinson’s suit.”

K: “Because I like suits. I can pull of the androgynous thing. Shouldn’t you know that already seeing as you’re Vogue?”

Q: “Glad you mentioned him. Let’s talk about Rob.”

K: “Rob… Rob what? Robbing? No my house has never been robbed. Unlike that idiot Paris Hilton I don’t have a twitter and if I did I wouldn’t give away my every location. I’ve never been burglarized, thankfully.”

Q: “There have been rumors circulating about your….” Interviewer pauses due to bitchface, “questionable ‘friendship’ with a certain Twilight costar who is the world’s heartthrob.”

K: “Billy Burke? I know. People are ridiculous. He played my dad for crying out loud!”

Q: “What’s it like having to kiss someone who you actually have feelings for?”

K: “Now that is what I call successful method acting. I read from CC that she didn’t buy into that Jacob thing but clearly you did. Allow me to clarify—he’s a puppy. It’s all in good fun and the kiss was CGI because CC couldn’t live through a real one and neither could I.”

Anna steps in: “Kristen answer the bloody questions.”

K: “Take off those fucking sunglasses you Olsen troll.”

Confession: I was never a Vogue reader. Ever. I love Bazaar and Nylon [bc I get them for free. Remember that story? It’s still happening. It’s okay. My bank accounts are still rape free!]. If I had an ideal cover it would be a combination of the Interview photo shoot with a little Nylon and a teeny bit of Allure. They were real. They were edgy. They weren’t fake and I believed her in those pictures.

After seeing Jessica Beil on the recent cover of Vogue I got a liiiiiiiiittle worried. That being said, I have a feeling they will do our KStew justice because well… they’re Vogue! Since we’re friends here I’ve conjured up some covers that would just be WRONG for KStew. This will make Vogue’s creative process go so much smoother since I’m eliminating these options, and I’m also putting these out there since I didn’t get the chance to tell Anna myself. [Disclaimer: An artist I am NOT. I can pretty much copy and paste as you are about to see. I assure you all those faces are KStew. Oh and one more thing: you’re WELCOME Vogue!!!!] Dearest Vogue:

Not this->

Even in this picture where i pasted her head she looks lovely--but I just get the feeling it's really not her...

Or this ->

The whole mime thing just creeps me out. Please don't do this.

Or this ->

It just... it doesn't seem right... something is a bit off...

Not so much this either... ->

This cover. Do any of you remember this cover? Gwyneth's head was placed on this body. It was voted one of the worst Vogue covers of all time. We don't want that for KStew. This is OUT, Anna.

I don’t know what to expect from the shoot but it makes me tingle on the inside because it’s so electrifying. You know what else is good? It’s supposed to come out around the release of Eclipse so maybe it’ll be a consolation to me for that freaking “kiss”.

This is a huge deal for KStew. A solo Vogue cover? That’s bananas good and bananas exciting. Her life is blowing up in front of our eyes and it’s so cool to sit back and watch. Every day it just gets better and better.

"Thanks loyalists for being so kind and funny. You make me giggle!"

Because Her Holiness sat FROW at Burberry and will grace the cover of Vogue: KStew is better than you.

All KStew pictures and heads are from KStewartfan. It's amazing there.

[A/N: Your e-mails are literally the best part of my day. I get the funniest fucking e-mails ever. One day I’ll release a Best Of compilation because I almost feel selfish not sharing the genius that you all possess. To all that have e-mailed me I must tell you that I adore you. So much. To those that want to but don't have the courage? It's okay. I'm nice. I swear. Ask the others! Your tweets tug at my heartstrings. I can personally say with the utmost conviction that KStew fans are the BEST fans.

My next post probably won’t be until Wednesday-ish. Part I Draft I of my thesis is due Wednesday. I am not nearly done. This weekend instead of doing work I’m going to celebrate birthdays in Boston and get shitty. That, my friends, is prioritizing. Next week I shall hit the books… or keyboard.

I dislike doing work. I also dislike people cracking their necks because it freaks me out, feet, cilantro [I know, right?], scratchy shirts, cauliflower, dark meat on chicken [it's a bit slimy for me. No one in my family gets it.], couples who basically have sex in front of you, whiskey, not having slippers, losing my cell phone, when the internet doesn’t work, a fatty steak [that makes me so mad], slow drivers, shoveling, Rachel Ray [whaaaaa? Confession: I’m a Food Network junky], and when I don’t see the sun for days.

You know what I do like? YOU. In fact, I love you. Thank YOU for being YOU. Truthfully you’re the best people I’ve ever met and I dislike any one who tells me otherwise (but no one does because I’d kick their ass). Here’s to you my fellow loyalists—wishing you all a wonderful and safe weekend!]