An Impasse

Okay so listen. I know I say this every single time, but this really was the hardest post for me to write. Right now my brain is so overly stimulated with real life things that it literally blew yesterday over the Twilight/R/K/J/Oprah stuff. Legitimately. I was in a meeting at 7am without my cell phone, which by the way is GROSS don’t EVER do that, and when I got out I had a text message from a buddy that said ‘R&K will be on Oprah on Rob’s birthday!!!!’ and I ACTUALLY had to stop dead in my tracks. I will touch more on this Oprah thing when it comes closer to the date, but I was extremely tickled by this news.

Then I finally got back to my computer and the eagle had landed. The trailer, then the cut outs, and it was just TOO MUCH for my miniscule brain to handle. I wanted to write about it yesterday, but I didn’t want to make any rash decisions. I needed time to stew.

I want to tell you something about myself. Growing up I used to sweat the small stuff and freak out if things weren’t going the way I wanted them to. My mother would constantly tell me, “CC, you’re entirely too wrapped up in things that are utterly nonsensical. Allow me to let you in on a little secret—in life you must choose your battles. The less you choose the more you’ll win.”

Listen, I’m no profound human being by any stretch of the imagination, but I suppose it’s an important thing to keep in mind. My sister and brothers all make me call my dad when ‘we’ have something to say. Why? Because he listens to me. My sister can be an emotional train wreck at times, and my brothers are merely children. When the time comes that I do go after my father for something, I win because I choose wisely.

The difference between real life and Twilight is that Summit could give two shits what we have to say. To counter that, I could give two shits that they don’t care. Some people keep saying ‘don’t complain because they don’t care.’ First of all, I'm not complaining, I'm criticizing. Second of all, do I still live in the United States of America and possess the freedom of speech? Yes. Do I have the right to mock a movie that makes it entirely too easy? Yes. Am I hatefully bashing real life people’s characters (as in the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person) in doing so? Absolutely not. [Not today at least. HAH!]

Back to Summit’s indifference/disdain for the fans… I was thinking… is this partially why Summit and I are fighting? I can’t remember truthfully. I believe we were fighting, then we made up, and then we were fighting again. But now? Now I don’t know if we’re fighting or not. The goal of this post is the determine that.

Now for the main event… the piece de resistance: THE ECLIPSE TRAILOR!

I want to make something so entirely clear that you will never ever question it: I. FLIPPING. LOVED. IT. Sincerely. I really really liked it.

I know! You’re probably shocked because I shit all over New Moon and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I did NOT like New Moon. New Moon > Twilight, but I still liked Twilight more. Confused? Go here. I’m not going to lie, I thought it was so much better than the first snippet. I'm sorry if you were hoping for a hateful bashfest.

Let’s start from the top, shall we?

'Ew gross. Jacob you like... smell.'

Edward Cullen is one of the first things we see. Thank baby Jesus, because I need me some Edward Cullen. I also love that he is bitchfacing Jacob Black. Please Jacob, Edward eats animals like you for breakfast... literally. You can't out-bitchface someone who LITERALLY doesn't have a heart (Unless you are KStew because gf has a fierce bitchface).

Tight. Pants.

A lot of people are less than fond of his attire from this soon to be poster cutout. I addressed this jacket already here. This is where I say choose your battles wisely. Do you know why? Because Stephanie Meyer’s description of Edward is horrendous.

“He was removing a light beige leather jacket now; underneath he wore an ivory turtleneck sweater.”

Could you freaking imagine?! COULD YOU!? I picture her Edward to be wearing a suit jacket that is made of beige leather. Then I imagine a tight ivory turtleneck underneath. Then I imagine throwing up. If EclipseEdward has to wear a jacket that isn’t entirely the most fashionable thing in the world I will gladly take it. There could be FAR worse things that he could be wearing… like what SM suggested!

The other thing I want to point out is that Edward is #JawPornTASTIC. Every shot is so delicious that I cannot even handle it! I want to run my finger down his face like woah.

In my opinion this is the best Edward we have ever seen. Robert Pattinson doesn’t look like an old man like he did in NM. That’s a step up. In every other still he is wearing a cotton shirt. That’s good news. He is normal. Finally.

'Jacob you little prick. You really are going to make me kiss you, aren't you?'

Now for KStew. I think she looks absolutely beautiful... from what we saw of her. She was virtually invisible in this trailer. Instead they were 'informing' her of what was going on.

Dear Summit,

More KStew next time, mkay?

-KSIBTU-

I love the shots of her with the hood up... she looks cute. A lot of people are saying her wig is busted. I disagree. I think this trailer did a pretty good job of showing that perhaps it isn’t such a travesty. You want to see busted?

'tee-hee-hee! it looks like this was painted on my forehead!'

THAT is busted.

It’s a wig. In some shots it looks fine, while in others we could debate if it’s another character in the movie. Personally I don’t mind it that much any more. They did what they could. We already know Summit is a bunch of cheap assholes.

What I loved was this:

Airbrush much?

Let's set aside that she looks like plastic to realize that she's flipping gorgeous. I had someone ask me if I thought that little Hollister seagull it was intentional. Please. I love how her shirt just HAPPENS to rise above the emblem on her pants. Listen. That is about as unintentional as this:

wow Jacob, what a curious burger in your hand.

Bella Swan wearing Hollister makes her relatable. Come on guys! Bella Swan is just like you! She goes to school! She dates a vampire who is so hot I want to cry! She has a werewolf as a best friend! She is just.like.you.

Now we’re going to get into the meat and potatoes of this trailer. The first thing I want to say is that a lot of people are hating on the hue. CW had his gentle golden hue. Well, Eclipse is dark. A bagillion ravenous vampires wanna gut Bella Swan from ear to ear and nose to navel. Enter dark tint. Let me give you my take on this entire thing, and then you can give me yours. NM had the golden hue because it was trying to go gentle on us. If they took Edward out of the movie and still kept it the bluish gray we would’ve all committed suicide. That’s too depressing. So take our main character away, put in someone who won’t convince us, but do it with a golden hue so that we all at feel just a LITTLE better about the situation at hand.

Gotham City Seattle

Well Eclipse isn’t Sunday brunch at your grandma’s. It’s just not. If you liked NM more you’ll hate the dark. If you liked Twilight more you’ll like it. It’s just a matter of preference. I like it. David Slade is dark. I like dark. People are afraid of change. I am not.

Now. This is where I choose my battle. This is really my only real complaint about the trailer. The entire premise of that too-short trailer was the newborns. You would literally think that Riley is just as important as Edward, Bella or Jacob. Ridiculous. Listen closely: I would love to look at Xavier Samuel all day long. That boy is scru-diddly-umptious. I like that we’ll get a little history on him, but Riley is not the only thing Eclipse is about.

3 Words: Wet. Xavier. Samuel.

I believe they did this for a number of reasons. The first is to perhaps persuade the male demographic that they won’t want to shoot themselves in the face when they get dragged to see the movie. Well, too late Summit, you already ‘leaked’ those meadow scenes. They will kill themselves regardless. #FAIL.

Secondly, some are saying that it’s because they literally have no footage because Summit hates Slade. That’s definitely plausible. I don’t know anything about this because I am a normal human being that reads the same gossip you do. I can’t touch this one without sounding entirely too ignorant.

The other plausible reason was to attract people who have yet to see the first two. Why you would go to see movie 3 without having seen movies 1 & 2 is beyond me. This isn’t Harry Potter. It’s Twilight. It carries a certain stigma with it that the Potter movies don’t have to deal with. The percentage of people that will watch the trailer and go, “you know what? They aren’t frolicking like assholes through a meadow. LET’S SEE THAT!” will be small.

Adorable!

Cater to your audience Summit. People want E/B. They want a #leghitch! I understand the newborns are really cool (because they ARE!), but show a little happiness in all that devastation, I mean seriously! Allow me to expand just a little more. The first trailer was cheesetastic. The second trailer made it seem like the first one didn't belong to the same movie. I love Riley. I love the backstory, but include just a LITTLE bit of other stuff. A little. Obviously the E/B stuff will be there. We’ve seen the stills. We also know that Kristen and Rob wouldn’t let Twilight fans down... but come on! It seemed scatterbrained and frenetic. For me it was just dumb and confusing. Whatever. There is still time.... right?

Now. Let’s get to that ring, shall we? This was killed yesterday in a very big way. I will not spend much time on this because those with eyes know it’s fug. SM describes the ring as, “The face was a long oval, set with slanting rows of glittering round stones. The band was gold — delicate and narrow. The gold made a fragile web around the diamonds. I’d never seen anything like it.”

'Hm. Well considering it's an antique let's just leave it in the box...'

Yes well I’ve never quite seen anything as ugly as this.

Not only is it just ugly but it’s far too big. At least make it a little smaller because now it just looks like costume jewlery and not a wedding band.

As some have pointed out, Carlisle Cullen took the number one spot on Forbes 15 richest fictional characters! $34.1 billion! That’s no Bill Gates, but that’s some Oprah shit for sure. You are that wealthy and you give her that thing! Oh Edward, not even a blue box? You’re so lucky she said yes before you showed her that. And Bella? God bless you.

BUT, and here’s the big but, I don’t choose this battle. Do you know why? Two reasons.

*swoon*

1. Do you see the look in Edward's eyes? I would take the fucking ring too! To those that are married I ask you: Does your husband look at you like that? If you tell me yes I tell you you're lying. My GOD the look in those eyes. It's worth it.

2. This is where you cut your loses because Stephanie Meyer also suggested that Bella Swan wear long khaki skirts. I’d rather see Edward in a turtleneck than Bella Swan in a khaki skirt. So you know what? Fine. Give her the power to keep the ring close to the book because at least she isn’t dressing Kristen Stewart like an asshole. Truth be told, if this is the biggest point of contention you have with the trailer then I’d say they are doing alright.

Now to Jasper:

?

This poor kid. They will never get it right, will they?

Now I want to talk about the fight. Let’s be serious, the fight looks gnarly. Someone was the clear-cut winner of that whole scene. Alice. That was some Matrix shit and I flipping loved it! I think they gave her this...

'Ah I'm falling in a really weird direction!'

...to make up for when she jumped over the banister at school in New Moon for literally no reason under the sun, which was so ridiculous. And we won't even address the outfit.

Back to the action. I loved it. I also loved watching Victoria run and cross paths with whoever that was in the trees. What I didn’t really love was this clusterfuck:

'You stop pushing!' 'No YOU stop pushing!' 'Ah! Wolves!'

Perhaps I envisioned it differently but that looks like a mosh pit… not a terrible death.

I also liked Edward pushing over the tree because for once he wasn’t being a pansy bitch. You bet your ass you don’t want Bella to die. You better go and push that freaking tree over. Unfortunately for him Bella concludes he can’t handle it and tries to become a sacrificial lamb or the 239482048 wife (or whatever it was), but regardless, at least he’s putting out the effort in the movie. And you get to see some of his yummy tummy.

Hello, side V

It is time for the real issue though. The thing I lost sleep over. The one detail I didn’t hear any one talking about. Did anyone see that flipping party going on behind Alice?!?!?!?!?

'We didn't invite CC.'

'Tell me you're kidding. She is going to be so pissed.'

'Sorry Bella but I hear she pees on plants and I can't have that.'

I want to be invited to THAT! If you look behind Carlisle’s head there are pink sparkly lights, and when Alice and Bella are talking the balloons almost look illuminated. I want to be at that party. Fuck the wolves, did you SEE that set up! Just another reason I hate Jacob. He crashes the party of the century! It looks bitchin’ so I’ll be kind of pissed if they don’t rage. (Urban dictionary definition of rage: to party very hard or get wasted.) I bet if they DID actually party at their party, Edward would totes take Bella’s v-card. After that what’s the point of getting married? Then Renesmee who? I think I may have just solved the puzzle.

Overall I really liked the trailer. Sure there were issues. Sure it looks like a movie called Riley and the Newborns. But I think this is one BIG step up from the first one, and we all know I have no qualms about shitting all over Twilight. But I think for now... in true E/B virtue nonsense...

Summit and I are at an impasse.

So long as they keep putting our girl KStew in there to kick ass and make the movie bearable, I’ll see it (perhaps more than twice like NM).

'You're telling me I get preggers right away? Why isn't your sperm dead?!'

Because she’s still going to kick ass as Bella Swan in the much anticipated Eclipse, KStew is better than you. (Especially you, Summit.)

[A/N: Well, what did you guys think of the trailer? It’s okay to disagree with me, just please don’t be psychotic about it. Yesterday was awesome. I wish trailers would come out every day. My inbox blew up. To be quite honest I think you guys are at your funniest when you are judging Twilight. I laughed so hard I cried. I love it. I love you. Have I told you that lately? THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH.]

All the amazing caps are from Robert Pattinson Life.