Magazine Mayhem

Sometimes I like to stew… you guys know that… so I suppose that’s what I did this week. I’m also a fantastic lurker. I like to lurk. Chances are right now I’m actually standing behind you… lurking.

Since last we spoke, trailer reactions have solidified, Breaking Dawn directors and co-producers have been announced, Kristen has made a couple of really exciting lists, and done some really exciting things in reference to magazines. Let’s get the ball rolling, shall we?

I recently got an e-mail that was all ‘why do you talk about Twilight on a KStew blog’ and I was all ‘a. suck a dick because (once again) I run this show, and b. uh it’s kind of a huge part of her life that swallows her whole.’ So guess what? I’m going to TALK ABOUT TWILIGHT!

I have no idea what this is, but I wanted to use it.

Yesterday Summit finally announced Bill Condon as the director of Breaking Dawn. I’m still wondering how many movies there will be. 1,2,3,4,5? Wouldn’t you just want to kill yourself if it’s more than two? I mean seriously. Some days I wake up thinking YES TWO! I WANT TWO! And other days I wake up thinking HELL NO! CUT OUT ALL OF JACOB BLACK AND MAKE IT ONE! Perhaps this is why I’m not invited to give my creative input—unlike vogue! ;)

People asked me what I thought of this and I answered with an emphatic YES YES YES!! Wanna know why? Because I saw Dream Girls. I loved JHud. But even more so the movie made me wanna SIIIIIIINNNNGGGG! It is for that exact reason that my friends resented the movie. Anything that encourages me to open up my near perfect vocal cords makes them diiieeeeee in jealousy [Read: Writhe in pain].

I could've totes been Deena or Effie White.

I almost feel bad for the guy though. I’m sure he’s making a pretty penny doing this, but there is a whole lot of ugly coming his way courtesy of batshit crazy Twihards around the world. This guy has an Oscar. A fucking Oscar! And he also has nominations ranging from the Globes to the Emmys and beyond. But guess what? When I googled his name for pictures? This showed up:

Exactly where is Bill in this picture?

And this:

+10 if you can spot him here.

WELCOME, BILL!

The thing that stopped me dead in my tracks was that fact that Stephanie Meyer is co-producing. This could be as little as name recognition or this could be as big as ‘You want to mount her!? WHAT?!’ Several people caught onto this fact because let’s face it—she is responsible for that fuckery of a ring. That being said, I think we’re going to be okay folks. I think that Bill is the right man. If Stephanie comes at him with her virtue ideas he can go straight back at her with this:

Bill has very nice blue eyes

‘When YOU have an Oscar then maybe I’ll care what you have to say. Until then, show me the money.’

Truth be told, Breaking Dawn is a shitshow of a story. So much happens—so much that you can’t personally visualize or make up—having Stephanie there to say ‘listen what I meant by imprint was literally that Jacob stands over Bella’s stomach and coos’ can be entirely helpful to the cast. She was the visionary; so let us allow her to have a little say on how this book translates.

Also, KStew doesn’t take any shit. If she disagrees with something she’ll say it. She’s sort of the main character. Girlfriend will lay down the law, trust.

And if she doesn’t? THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO MAKE BANK ON BD SO WHO EVEN CARES!!!! (*silver lining*)

'We can't even count our millions!' 'Tee hee hee!'

Moving on. Kristen Stewart was named as one of People Magazine’s Most Beautiful People. She had a tiny little corner compared to Ashley Greene’s half of a page. Rob had a full page. Good for him! He’s hot! Allow me to say something before crazies go crazy: I, unlike many people, do NOT have any issues with Ashley. I think she is cute. I think she is likable. I think she is just like every girl I ever went to high school with—and I was friends with those girls. I think she is a genuinely nice girl who is working hard to get herself out there and get some jobs. That’s the goal. Good. BUT MORE ROOM THAN KRISTEN!?

People magazine, whaaa?!?!?!?!?!?!? KStew is WOMAN OF THE YEAR. And you give her a corner?

bwhahahahahaah

That’s redonk, buuuuut I don’t mind it so much becauseeeee…

She was ranked as number 6 on FHM’s World’s Sexiest Women.

SIX. Six? SIX! That means there are ninety-four other women that are not nearly as sexy as she is. I’m not entirely convinced I agree with Cheryl Cole being number one, but that’s another debate for another blog. Six is some pretty heavy stuff, but let’s face it we are totally not surprised.

She’s looked like this:

If the army used this as propaganda--I'd join.

And this:

I always just lay on ivy like this. Just chillin'

And this:

Fierce.

So like… yeah… six will do I guess.

It was also announced that Kristen would be on the cover of Elle UK. Jeebus. This girl is cleaning up! As it should be. She has arguably one of the prettiest faces known to mankind. She deserves that cover. Get it girlfriend!

Now for what I consider one of the most exciting pieces of news: Vanity Fair.

Can we talk about Vanity Fair?

Vanity Fair ALWAYS delivers the best fucking spreads EVER.

They gave us this:

There is so much pretty in this.

And this:

Hello there cover girl

And this:

Whoops! How did this get in here!

I mean they are the only ones that consistently bring it hard. Vanity Fair strikes me as classy. My favorite spreads of Kristen’s are still Nylon and Interview because they are hardcore, but Vanity Fair is nothing but class. You know it’s going to be good. You don’t have to worry. I LOVE that. They know exactly what the people want to see and they give it to us. Now the majority of us want to see this…

UNF

…three years later, but we can’t do that because the universe would explode. Or maybe it wont?

Dear Vanity Fair,

There is nearly no one on the face of the earth who wouldn’t sell their soul or their first-born to relive a shoot like this. Please consider. I’m certain I have very viable eggs, and I think my soul is okay.

Sincerely,

KSIBTU

Dakota. Nikki. Elizabeth. KStew. That is bittersweet, eh? Oh no she’s going to do it. Yes, I am! Nikki and Elizabeth became like totally like bffs in filming Eclipse. Elizabeth is KStew’s replacement. That’s a good replacement because I happen to LOVE MamaCullen.

But for NR to have to sit through this?

Still. Yachting.

Well now that’s a damn shame. Bahahah. Save yourself the mail, Nikki. I'm just joshing you--I'm certain it was actually a blast to shoot.

(Warning: I’m going to get catty for a second… I normally don’t… but like… I have to…)

What I do love about this announcement is that the photo shoot took place last Sunday. Sunday the 25th. Remember when everyone was going batshit crazy all ‘why didn’t Kristen stay with Rob’ blah blah blah? Because HER ass was shooting Vanity Fair while you were busy running your mouth. What exactly were you doing you pathetic excuse for a human being?

NOTHING.

Good. I’m glad we addressed that. So now this is yet another magazine to add to the list. Elle, Vogue, Flaunt (which we haven’t discussed because my brain CANNOT handle the hotness yet), and now Vanity Fair.

Holy.Shitballs.

I don’t know about you but I will pretty much be emptying out the entire contents of my wallet around June. Did I mention I’m traveling from May 30- June 17? True story. So my friends will be like ‘oh let’s go out to dinner’ and I’ll be like ‘sorry. I have to buy Vogue, Vanity Fair, and Elle tomorrow. I’ll just gnaw on my finger nails instead!’ (I’m kidding… I think.)

The moral of the story is that we are FINALLY getting into KStew saturation. Her Holiness has landed nearly every magazine that matters. That’s awesome. And do you know why?

!!!yesyesyesyesyesyesyes!!!

Because KStew is better than YOU.

[A/N: What do you guys think? Which one are you most excited about!? I’m certain there are some we still don’t even know about ;)
Also, did you notice KSIBTU got a facelift? (It actually happened last Sat, I believe) A little background change for continuity and a little wider. If there is anything I've learned in life it is that SIZE MATTERS! ;) I did none of it. I need to thank Buff. She does everything. True story: I had to give her admin rights to do it, and she didn’t go in and delete all of my posts and post a big FUCK YOU CC. Because of that I am eternally grateful.
Sorry it took so long for me to post. Did I mention I’m moving in less than a week? Mhm! Have any of you moved before? It kinda blows, but whatevs! On May 5, I am going to have to attempt to NOT be drunk for a little bit to move. Please be patient with me as I get through these next few weeks. That being said, when something happens? WE WILL TALK ABOUT IT! I love talking to you guys. I also love my bed, the sun, skiing, air conditioning, the scent of clean linens, Nike running shoes, complete darkness when I sleep, and most of all YOU. Have a lovely rest of the week! Until we meet again…]