Front and Center

Today I am diving right in. Head first. Let’s roll.

I want to talk about the recent wardrobe upheaval. There are things I love about this fandom and things I hate. I love all of you, for starters. I happen to know that you are the best fans in the world. Mark my word that you will be able to prove it someday in the future. I hate this fandom because of how bitter and ugly it can get. The inter-fandom fighting makes things not fun. Well. We don’t appreciate no-fun-zones. In fact—we encourage laughter here, which is why I’m going to mock something that sent so many into a tizzy.

A lot of you e-mailed me about these photos and what I thought. I LOVE WHEN YOU ASK ME MY OPINION!!!!!!! I also want yours. [Note: PLEASE don’t come at me telling me they are/aren’t the same clothes. I don’t give a flying fuck. I’m just poking fun. Thank you.]

Okay so there’s this:

Where can you buy those pink circles? I WANT ONE!

Woooooooow. I mean it’s not ironic or coincidental I suppose. My take is that they were doing Breaking Dawn rehearsal and KStew got jealous that Fingers was allowed to bite shit and tear the bed up so she just went for his shirt and he was all:

R: Kristen. That was like my last clean shirt.

K: Who the fuck cares. We’re millionaires Rob. I’ll buy you a new fucking shirt. And we both know I’m taking this any way.

R: Oh! We’re playing Let’s-see-how-long-it-takes-a-Twihard-to-link-us?

K: DUH.

So then there was this:

I swear to God you people who find this should go into

criminal justice. You are SERIOUSLY talented.

Right before [after?], it was almost-but-not announced that KStew would be working with Zefron. So then of course this came out:

Who ever made this? I LOVE YOU.

See now here’s what I think. I think that Robert Pattinson is gay and that KStew is the beard. [HEY CRAZIES, ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION??? THIS IS EXACLY WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR!!] So Zefron gives the jacket to RPattz after a rompfest, and then Rpattz feels obliged to give it to Kristen because she’ll just take it any way. And then NOW the Twihard investigators found out that it’s really Zac’s, which means either KStew is doing the dirty with him as well or RPattz is gay.

Bahumbug. Either way we lose, right?

WRONG. They are so obviously hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing. So what if she likes his clothes. I want to be in his clothes too! I bet many of you do! Truth be told we’ll never be there or anywhere near there because Kristen is better than we are.

Moving on. I left last Thursday for vacation. I have no freaking idea what day of the week it is. Seriously. Two nights ago I was sitting on my sister’s bed and said, “well it’s really sad that I have to leave in two days!” to which she responded, “You just fucking got here. TODAY. You’re not leaving for four days. Where is your head?”

This has been happening a lot and I suppose the answer is MY HEAD IS ON VACATION TOO! Ever need a vacation so badly you can’t even handle it? That was my life. Now I’m here and I don’t ever want it to stop. Can life simply be a vacation? Maybe I’ll be a vagabond as my real life job! I’ll stew over that for a while.

Ohhh haaaiiii LaPush!

So. Tuesday morning I landed in Portland and my sister and her boyfriend decided we should head straight for the coast. It was a beautiful day, which is a rarity in a place that rains so much. It was unbelievable. I’ve been there before but it was still incredible. Cannon Beach. Then we decided to go into the state park because we could hike there and my sister could try to kill me. When we got to the bottom beach I stopped. Fuck me sideways—this is La Push! I tweeted a picture to you guys and got the funniest responses. There are a lot of rocks around it so we started climbing—well—they started climbing—I started hunting me a wolf. Much to my chagrin I didn’t catch Jacob or the wolf.

Perhaps the reason for that was because of this:

hmmmmmm...

The first Eclipse poster. My, my, my, my, my. What do you think? I’ve gotten a LOT of e-mails about this little poster. Some of you LOVE it. Some of you HATE it. Some of you think it’s virtually NO different from the New Moon poster.

You guys know we’re serious here so let’s just take a moment to be objectively biased and look at The Saga’s posters starting with Twilight:

I can't stop laughing, and yet I long for the days of Twilight

This. This is not okay. I don’t care if you are Team Edward, Team Bella, Team Robert, Team Kristen [THAT’S US!] this is so wrong on so many levels. He is photoshopped to be positioned over her like a bat that just swooped in. Can any one explain to me how in the hell you achieve that body position? Edward I don’t care if you’re a fucking vampire—you’re hanging over her—crooked! HOW DO YOU DO THAT?! Perhaps if you had your feet on the ground this wouldn’t look so fucking bazaar. Then again it can’t not look bazaar because your golden eyes are also staring at something over Bella’s shoulder. Maybe a deer is standing there. Or a human. FOCUS, EDWARD, IT’S A GOD DAMN PHOTO SHOOT. And Bella. So innocent. So fragile. At the mercy of your dashing vampire boyfriend. Just no.

Now we are going to do two for New Moon:

At this point I'm roaring.

Okay so clearly Robert Pattinson was doing the crab walk before he stood up to do this shoot. You know how Taylor works out before he shoots so that his baby muscles are big, bulgy and offensive to the viewers? Maybe Fingers wanted his forearms to be EXTRA sexy and in the process forgot that YOU DON’T GRAB A GIRL’S BACK LIKE THAT! My lord someone needs to let that bit of info out. He has hand issues. Perhaps because his fingers are so long?!? [Hence fingers.] He doesn’t even know what to do with them because if they were fully extended it would take up her whole tiny back. Now KStew? She is giving it harddddddd. Look at that. Her eyes are ablaze with desire. I get it. I want him too. She looks good.

Now for this one:

NO

This is a pissing contest at its finest. I have but one question: WHY ISN’T KRISTEN IN THE MIDDLE? IS THIS NOT A LOVE TRIANGLE!? [Answer: Uh no. It's not.] Now I feel like the Saga is telling us Jacob is stuck in the middle, which would mean that Edward is bisexual. Well I think I just cracked the freaking code!

Fingers’ expression is so bitch please and Jacob is just. Ugh. Jacob. Put your fucking arm down and stop flexing, and Kristen for the LOVE OF GOD get your hands off that puppy and stand in the middle! I don't like any of them in this picture. That is me being honest.

So then we get this:

I mean it's darker. I like that.

Not so bad comparatively? Worse? The same? Let’s break it down one by one.

Just a 'lil sliver

The first issue is that Edward is wearing a jean jacket circa 1985. The 80’s were a good time. A lot of you were born then (ME!). A lot of you partied then. Fun times were had by all. But fashion wise? The 80’s made us a little embarrassed which is why we have 80’s themed parties now where everyone shows up looking like assholes and you laugh. I have a question: can’t we just let the kid wear normal clothes? Everyone keeps trying to make Edward something he’s not.

Allow me to digress for a moment. When I saw Twilight and demanded the first book that same night, I read it in a few hours. The next day I was going into NYC with my cousin and best friend to see my boyfriend and the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree [read: I like the Christmas tree more]. On the way my cousin asked, “What was your issue with it?” to which I responded, “Did you READ the way SM described Edward? He is not hot in the book. White turtlenecks and shit? Oh fuck no. FUCK. NO. Edward is supposed to be badass!” So any time I want to cry over Edward’s wardrobe I remember he could be wearing a tight white turtleneck and a tan leather jacket. Annnnnddddd I just threw up.

Okay so I think I just convinced myself that a jean jacket is okay. It’s not a turtleneck. Sold. His face is a bit weird but his #Jawporn is in full force. I mean let’s face it, MFH would look good in a burlap sack.

Now Jacob.

uhhhh

He is very… tan and shiny. That’s about all I can say about that.

Now Bella!

fierce

First and foremost: her wig doesn't look that busted. Second of all: This is badass Bella-- or as badass as we've seen.

Okay so there is this thing I call beyonce-ing. It’s more of a verb, less of a noun. It’s like when you walk and you’re stomping one foot in front of the other with your hand on your hip and your hair is flying back. It’s beyonceing. When I see KStew’s hair flying back like that I want to listen to Crazy In Love and sing. She looks pretty fierce. But her face is indescribable for me. I feel like it could sway either way.

Is she sad?

Is she confused?

Is she proud like ‘yeahhhh these two boys want my shit’?

Is she scared?

Is she worried that Jacob’s shiny face will rub off on her causing her to get a pimple?

Is she rocking that ‘don’t mess with me’ look?

One has to wonder [aka me] how they get into this moment. You know? Did a real life conversation make their faces look like this? Or did an in character conversation make them look like this? Aw shucks guys, you know me too well. WE’RE GOING TO BROADCAST BOTH CONVOS!

Out of character:

R: Why does Taylor get to stand on a box. AGAIN?!

K: Because he’s just a bit shorter. Relax.

R: No that’s rubbish! I’m the clear cut winner of this saga. I rank supreme. I should be higher because I WIN! I mean seriously.

T: Shut the flip up. Okay? You win. YOU GET TO DO HER!

R: You bet your punk ass I do.

K: Wait. Is this in the movie or real life?

• no one answers *

K: Taylor. I asked you a question.

T: WHERE IS MY FREAKING BOX. DAD! MY BOX ISN’T HERE.

R: Such a fucking baby. ‘Oh I’m Taylor I have such big muscles but my height makes me feel inadequate’.

K: Everyone just relax. Okay? Shut the fuck up. This picture will be over soon enough. I know all the posters blow and fanmade ones are infinitely better so let’s just get this shit over with. I don’t want to be here any more than either of you do. I know this will be embarrassing no matter what. So Rob? Shut the fuck up. And Taylor? Your fucking box is coming.

• someone brings in box and Rob giggles like a little girl *

K: Rob. You’re not getting any. For a long time.

Director of shoot: Okay now everyone get ready we’re shooting in 3…2…

--SNAP PICTURE--

In character:

E: You could’ve just told me you loved him a little bit before you went and made out with him.

B: HE TRICKED ME! He was acting all self-sacrificing and shit.

J: Nah-uh! I loved you! I LOVE YOU!

E: For the love of God… you love her egg.

J: I do love eggs. Emily makes them in the morning. Where do you think I got these gnarly muscles? Protein baby!

E: Bella. You’re becoming a whore.

B: Oh okay. Yeah. Good one. You fucked Tanya.

E: As if! I was lost. I almost killed you in Biology. Didn’t you see the Twilight deleted scenes? When I grabbed your breast and jerked you up and down? I wasn’t just trying to cop a feel!! I was also trying to kill you!

J: Woah. You touched her boob?

B: No because he’s a pussy and he can never ACTUALLY do it! Did you see the New Moon promotional ‘leaked’ pictures? Listen, Edward. Jake and I… I love him but it’ll never be enough.

J: I mean seriously Bella what the fuck does that mean?

E: It means shut your mouth pup. I win!

Director: Places. We are about to shoot in 3…2…

J: I grabbed her ass. When we were in the tent scene. I grabbed her ass. It felt as good as it looked. Did you like it Bella? Of course you did because you didn’t stop me.

--SNAP PICTURE—

It’s a toss up guys. A toss up. Either way KStew is SOOOO over those boys. Something else I want to bring up is the logo that says ‘It all begins… With a choice’

say whaaaaaa???

What choice? To marry Edward or not? I’m literally asking this because the book was not like the movie. I suppose I won’t start with my lies rant. But choice? YOU’RE HONESTLY GOING TO PUT THE WORD CHOICE ON A POSTER!? Do you know what choice means? Choice means there are options. What options?

F-U Summit.

I'm going to choose to pretend that line isn't there. So maybe I am saying the Eclipse poster is the best one. Know why? Because MFH isn’t mysteriously flying down from the top and his hands aren’t doing the crab walk on her back. Taylor isn’t turned around with his baby arm flexing so much. But the real reason?

KStew is front and center.

Yesterday I went to Seattle because it was a nice day out and we knew the rain would be coming. Note: IT DID. While in Seattle I was hoping to get a bit tipsy [CHECK] and perhaps stumble down an alley to meet Victoria [FAIL]. I would point her in the direction of the Q-Res. and tell her to do us all a favor and just take Jacob out. It never happened. Drat.

So you know what that means? More horrible posters to come because if Jacob is alive Breaking Dawn is sure to happen. Although... it would be a lot better if he wasn’t—but that’s okay. Bring on the fanmades and show Summit how it’s REALLY done my friends!

I mean that's the BEST you can do?

We know several people that can do SHITTONS better.

Because she’s front and center, AS IT SHOULD BE, KStew is better than you.

[A/N: Vacation is flying by too quickly. I cannot believe it’s almost Friday. Where has the time gone? Monday it is back to the daily grind. BUT! A lot of you are on break or about to be so to you guys I say: YAAAAAYYYY!!!! Perhaps a post on Monday? I think you guys are amazing. I really do love you guys a lot. Forever. Here’s to wishing you all a wonderful weekend!]