Twilight Condoms are Here to Stay & The Last Giveaway!

Happy Friday ladies! I am in a very chipper mood because Labor Day weekend has arrived! For those readers who do not know what Labor Day is, it's the first Monday in September where everyone (but not really) get's a day off of work. In reality, it is our final shebang of the summer before all of the leaves begin to change and the unbearable humidity gives way to the cool breezes of fall and the powdery snow of winter. I love fall. I love winter. GOODBYE SUMMER!

Today is the last JHiggs Original giveaway of the summer. That makes me want to shed a tear. Jamie and I have had great fun these last 5 or so weeks sharing her gift with all of you.  Because Jamie has been so generous, I need to show her my appreciation for all that she has done for myself, you guys and KSIBTU—and yes, it will be in the form of one of my EPIC poems.

My beloved JHiggs,

You emailed me for the first time on March 3^rd with a picture of your epic birthday cake,

My birthday was the next day, March 4^th, and all my shitty friends gave me was steak.

your friends are better than mine.

You soon grew to be my best friend, 

But less than one month later that almost all came to an end.

On April 3^rd you were t-boned by a lady at a traffic light and literally almost died,

Once I read your email I broke down and cried.

How you lived that day is nothing short of a miracle and a blessing,

And I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that the details and pictures of the accident had me stressing.

she was the driver. the seat was through the engine and

was squished in half.

I am so very glad that you and your friends were okay,

Because if you weren’t you wouldn’t be able to produce me a painting a day.

You are such a huge part of KSIBTU,

I’m thinking that when we unite in November we should both get tattoos.

I’m just kidding, I don’t really think that.

Yes I do, and it should be pink and black.

So now I shall end this poem because it’s getting too long,

Also, do you want a KSIBTU thong?

..........

I absolutely adore you, JHiggs, and I thank you will never be enough,

And I know my demands can sometimes be tough.

But you sit and you paint and you make everything pretty,

In return I’d like to buy you a kitty.

I’m allergic to cats so that is actually a NO,

Instead I’ll continue to love you and write your name in the sand everywhere I go.

Hawaii, Oregon, California, Washington...

Thank you, JHiggs, for all that you did this summer and continue to do,

KSIBTU would be nothing without you.

this felt right bc of Labor Day.

Sincerely, Jamie, thank you. We all appreciate the time, money and effort you have put into these paintings. I love you more than avocado with turkey and bacon.

Not a lot has been going on in the world of KStew. She was seen in Argentina like this:

I think I UNF for KStew the hardest when she is in the snow.

And she was very gracious in signing autographs for her fans. She also had to face this at the airport:

Nice guy. Serio.

#SamRileyFTW, no? What a man. Lucky wife he’s got there.

While Kristen was flying to NOLA, Rob was doing this:

via @RPLife

What does this have to do with anything?

NOTHING. But how much do you love TomStu getting a piggyback ride from MFH? 

Also, this is important because it shows that Rob has a beard.

This was a sad day for me because I love #WFERob.

humina humina humina. What's that? Oh my ovaries bursting? Mkay.

But we all know that #GQRob is my ultimate. 

There.Is.No.Better.

It’s such a shame to hide the #JawPorn with a full beard.

Okay, enough RobPorn for the day. Here's a little KStew porn:

Have you seen the most recent Nylon outtakes? DO YOU KNOW THAT IT IS MY FAVORITE SHOOT OF ALL TIME?! I need time...

Now let me show you something horrifying:

#hideyourkids #KILLyourwife?

Now let me show you something smoking hot:

It was a pun. Do you get it? Oh, and UNF.

Let’s move on. 

Now it’s time to tell a story. I had a whole different story ready for today until this happened last night.

Last night, while I was out to dinner with some friends, my brother called me and asked if I could pick him up from soccer practice. 

“Sure.” I answered, “Now?”

“Like 20 minutes.” He said.

I ate quickly and left my friends before heading over to the school.  It was around 9pm, and I was a bit early so I parked my car and blasted some music. Then I stopped and realized something was different. There were lights on the turf! My high school football field never had lights. The annoying people who lived around the school thought that they would be annoying and too bright. They were finally paid off by the town. Bribery is alive and works. 

how come I never get bribed!?

I decided I would get out of the car and check it out. There were some kids kicking around soccer balls and just running around. It was quite nostalgic for me; I’m not going to lie. So I walk around the track for a bit and decide to walk back to my car. I opted to walk behind the bleachers. It’s not as sketchy as it sounds in books and movies. Our field is directly behind our high school. Walking behind the bleachers is necessary to leave. 

I am texting on my phone when I hear something. I turn and see some kids getting a little friskAy under the bleachers and I laughed. Then I tripped on a rock and wiped out, and I mean I bit it HARD. My shit goes everywhere and my cell phone flew away. Then it landed. Then I looked at the two people making out and groping one another. Then I realized one of them was my brother.

Then I died a thousand deaths.

THIS! SFM!

I tried so hard to just curl up into a ball and retreat into myself, hoping that if I wished hard enough that I wasn’t in this situation, maybe I wouldn’t be. No such luck. Why? Because the universe hates me. 

I looked down at my knees and they were bleeding. My palms were scraped up and burning. I hate that feeling. You know that feeling? I wanted to cry. 

I got up slowly and wiped off my hands and knees before lifting my head. My brother looked horrified and his lady friend, A, looked even MORE horrified.

#catquota

Say something! I wanted to scream at him.

It then hit me that they were waiting for ME to speak. Apparently I was the one who was supposed to be saying something because apparently I’m the adult. I looked at my traitorous phone and realized it was halfway between me and the horny teens. I had no choice but to face them--no choice. I walked over and grabbed my phone before looking up to J and asking, “Are you uh…. ready to go?”

He nodded, refusing eye contact with me.

“You need a ride?” I asked her.

“Uh… I mean… sure…” She said in the smallest voice ever.

“Right, okay, let’s go.” I said walking away.

I pulled out my phone ready to send out an SOS as to how to handle the situation, but I couldn’t move. 

Once we were in the car I decided the only way to diffuse this situation was to sing.

enough said

No, I’m serious. We all know I can’t sing if my life depended on it, but I thought that perhaps if I made a fool out of myself, they wouldn’t feel so badly that I caught them doing whatever it was they were doing. Also, A looked like she wanted to die, like so embarrassed, which I can understand. I had to make it better in the only way I knew how: humor.

So I roll down the windows, turn on my iPod and Teenage Dream is blaring.

Perfect.

I owned that shit. Are you listening? I OWNED that shit. 

And in the middle of my free concert, I look in the rearview mirror and see J eyefucking A at the perfect time of, “let’s go all the way tonight no regrets…” and I am thinking DO YOU HAVE BALLS ON YOUR CHIN KID!?

Then? Then she is doing some coy eye shit [mind you, I’m about to crash the car] and he REACHES OVER AND TUCKS A STRAND OF HAIR BEHIND HER EAR.

this makes me laugh so hard

What.did.you.just.do. Where.did.you.get.that.move.

Who the fuck is this kid!?

If I ever saw that situation play out anywhere else I would say that kid was trying to make sexytime with that girl. The problem was, he’s 15 and he’s my baby brother! 

I grabbed the rearview mirror and positioned it at him so that he knew I was watching. I do NOT want to see this shit! 

Then my phone rang. My car picks up a cell phone through Bluetooth and puts it through the speakers. This conversation was for all to hear, and it was Mae—and she’s not PG. Ever.

“Hey.” I answered.

“Hey!” She said happily.

“Listen, now is not a good time.” My brother and his make out buddy are in the back seat being weird.

“No big deal, I just had to tell you something. I was in Walgreens looking for some nailpolish, like silver-ish, and I picked one up called Twilight! Isn’t that funny!”

“Yeah, sure, I really have to go though…”

“No, no. I'm not done.  That’s not the only thing I saw Twilight related. You know what I just found?” She said laughing.

“What?” I asked.

“Twilight condoms. Condoms! They are black and they have Twilight written over them.”

Perfect timing.

“Awesome. Okay well I need to go—“

“You want me to get you some? I know you’re not the biggest fan of them because you’re on birth control [now you readers know!], but you know you want Edward Cullen. A little fantasy? A little role play? What do you say?” 

times a billion.

“Right. No. Okay. Gotta run!” I said hitting end and wanting to vanish.

This ride had just became exponentially more awkward for everyone involved. 

“So… A… excited for school to start?” I asked trying to break the silence.

“I guess. I’m kind of over summer. I know that sounds weird, but it’s boring by the end.”

I dropped her off and said goodbye.

The ride home with my brother was deafeningly silent. DEAFENING. 

I pulled into the driveway and J went to get out of the car.

“I’m not having sex with her.” He said in a matter of fact way, “We were just…” he paused, “it was just a kiss, okay?”

“You’re not a baby any more, and we’ve always been honest with one another. What you do is your business and I am not here to preach to you.” I said trying to scramble together something responsible to say. I failed. I basically told him to fuck like bunnies because he’s not a baby. YES HE IS. HE’S A BABY.

“Mhm.” He said getting out of the car.

“Wait, J, listen.” I said trying to redeem myself, “no matter what you do… always put a circus tent on it…”

We see the correlation, yes?

Then I said the DUMBEST thing EVER:

“And in the words of Edward Cullen, be safe.” 

BE SAFE? SERIO CC? BE SAFE? NOW? NOW IS WHEN YOU QUOTE THAT SHITEOUS BOOK?!

He froze closing the door and peaked his head in the window.

“Any chance we had at a touching moment just there, you just shattered it. Now all I’ll think of is Edward Cullen.” And he shut the door.

See, I always thought it was ironic that Twilight had condoms because they are preaching abstinence. But now I understand.

I wish that this was fake. So badly.

The moment any male sees a condom that has Twilight written on it one of two things happen:

1. They become pissed and don’t want to have sex because they realize that there is a 95% chance the woman they are about to do it with is probably thinking about Robert Pattinson
2. They get soft because the movie sucks. 

EITHER WAY THE SEX NEVER HAPPENS. See? Even the condoms make you abstain.

Well played, Stephenie Meyer Twilight, well played.

Post-revelation I bought every Twilight condom within a 20 mile radius. I plan on giving them all to J the next time I see him.

Now for this is this week’s giveaway. It’s the last, and it’s the best, and there is nothing else to say. Without further adieu I give to you:

The finale

I could perish. Jamie? Are you listening? You have outdone yourself.

To enter, please leave an email address and/or twitter name and answer the following question:

What are you doing this [holiday] weekend? What is your favorite KStew acting moment OF ALL TIME?

My answer: Today I am heading into the city to spend the night with my cousin schmoozing, eating and drinking. Saturday night is my grandmother’s church’s gigantic Italian festival. I will be gorging myself to death. Sunday I will be attending a pig roast and wishing I was actually in Hawaii. Monday is a BBQ at my aunt’s house.  And my favorite KStew moment of all time? Well that will come with Adventureland p.2 ;)

Have a a lovely weekend! For those American readers: Have a WONDERFUL Labor Day weekend! Eat, drink, BBQ, and be merry. Oh and drink again, and then have another one for me!

[A/N: Due to the long holiday weekend, Adventureland p.2 will be up on Tuesday. Have a great weekend ladies!]

PS- Today is Garrett Hedlund’s birthday. I want to do terrible, terrible things to that beautiful boy. 

Dear Garrett, Happy birthday! God was showing off when he made you. CALL ME!