Lisa P, Marry Me? Adventureland Part 1

Today is the beginning of the end for a lot of things over here at KSIBTU. Adventureland is the last Movie Monday movie we will ever be discussing (even though it’s 2 parts). This is the second to last Jhiggs Original giveaway winner announcement I will ever be making… and there’s another ending come up soon as well… but some things still have to be sorted out in regards to that—so wait until next Friday for that fond farewell. 

Sometimes trying to decipher my messages is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube.

Also, #CatQuota

JHiggs is a gift from the KStew gods. She has graced us week after week with unbelievable paintings that legitimately make me weep—and then I want to steal them. I loved this week’s giveaway. You know who is going to love it now?

Congratulations Samantha_ava! You have been around here for a while as well, and I love when people I recognize win. Truth be told, while I cannot respond to all of you, I know who my commenters are. I appreciate you guys. I look for your opinions and I love when you bring the funny. I’m getting sentimental, but it’s true. 

This Friday’s giveaway is the last. It happens to be the most epic JHiggs Original painting that has ever happened. It had to be big. Go big or go home, and unfortunately, Movie Mondays are going home. BE.HERE.FRIDAY or you will hate yourself, I promise. 

Enough of that. It is now time to discuss part 1 of my favorite Kristen Stewart movie of all time: Adventureland.

WTF WHERE IS KSTEW??

I think that Greg Mottola is wonderful. Superbad is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a really long time… until The Hangover. I like sick humor. I like dirty fucked up things. I like the reality of the situations that Greg comes up with. The thing that separates Adventureland from Superbad is that it’s sweet and it’s brutally honest. Truth be told, at times it’s downright devastating, and not in the sense of hurt—but in the sense that these kids are just that: kids. They eventually have to send everything to hell in a hand basket, but that just goes with being that age. We always do stupid shit. We make mistakes. We drink too much. We smoke too much. And when things get good we inevitably have to fuck it up. That, my friends, is one of life’s pleasures. Falling down. 

The movie begins with James Brennan, played by my geek-out Freebie 5er Jessie Eisenberg, getting dumped by his 11-day-old girlfriend. It’s a pity. It’s a glimpse into the fact that he is a sucker. He’s the nice guy. Nice guys ALWAYS get screwed, and not in the way they deserve, if you know what I’m sayin’. 

do yah know what I'm sayin!?

I adore the dialogue in this movie. It’s flawless, in my opinion, and the banter is perfectly scripted. It’s also not mindless words; they have a bit of wit and intelligence to them and I truthfully appreciate that more than anything.

Look, I don't lie to people who I care about.

Yes, but you could've just left it out of the narrative. You know?

You don't want "virgin" to be your signifier.

He takes one semiotics class, and I'm supposed to...

I’m certain I learned what semiotics were in an anthropology class in college, but all I know is it has to do with communication. Today you did NOT learn something new at KSIBTU. I’ll try to remedy that by the end of this post.

The point being- JAMES HAS HIS V-CARD AT 22! For a girl that’s not such a big deal. I knew plenty some 22-year-old virginal girls. Boys? I would’ve been hard pressed to find one. But James seriously thinks with his heart and not his dick. That is why it is a semi-autobiographical film. That portion of his character must’ve been based on fiction. 22-year-old virginal boys are like unicorns.

wait a sec.... THEY ARE REAL?! 

There are several things that I adore about this film, one of which is the idea that they are all above this. James is going to Columbia. Columbia is an Ivy. It’s incredible. The only mistake Columbia ever made was allowing P to go there. And perhaps my father, so two mistakes. Anyhow, he is better than a job at Adventureland!

I majored in Comparative Literature and Renaissance Studies.

I wrote for The Gordian Knot, it was a literary journal in college. And in math, I got 770 on the SAT.

We ALL have this moment, and some of us live this moment every freaking day. You wonder how you went from what you majored in in college to how the hell you ended up working where you do. As brilliant as James is, his life is shit. He knows it. Hell, they all know it. 

Next we meet Frigo. He punches James in the balls. Story time:

When P and I were 15 we were in a movie store called Easy Video. They had a back room where they kept all of the adult movies. It was OFF limits to the kiddies. They had red saloon doors that led into it. One day, whilst walking by, P pushed me through them. I nearly fucking died. Mortified. I come stomping out and he’s all ‘get over it.’ I don’t get over it—I get even. We were standing looking at a wall of movies. I raise my arm and slam it down, thinking I was going to hit his thigh. Unfortunately he was simultaneously turning and I nailed him RIGHT in the netherlands. I mean DEAD ON. I punched him so hard that it made a noise. I swear his wiener split in two. 

But like my hand

He fell to the ground and writhed in pain, tears streaming down his face, for 4 minutes. People thought I fucked him up. It was an accident! But I have this nervous thing where I laugh when people get hurt. It’s horrific. Anyhow, I really hurt him. Every time I fake hitting him in the junk he reminds me that once upon a time, many moons ago, I almost took away his right to make babies. Then I remind him that you don’t fuck with me or I’ll take away your right to make babies.

Moving on.

We then meet Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig as the owners of that lovely theme park. They are the funniest people in the entire movie, no doubt. I understand that it is their job to be funny, but together they are cinematic brilliance. They feed off of one another’s humor and I cannot stop laughing when they are together.

Then we see Em.

Fuck. Kristen is so pretty. She pretty much has no make up on and she is beautiful. 

Cut to the scene in the parking lot when they are all standing around trying to get a buzz. We’ve all been there. The pathetic amount of rum that Em offers James makes my heart hurt. You can’t get drunk off of a splash! 

Joel's pipe is the best.

Anyhow, this scene has one of my favorite lines in the movie, one of the funniest if you ask me:

I think somebody was trying to write "Satan Lives" on that wall, but they spelled it "Satin Lives".

One of those textile-worshipping cults, no doubt.

Perfection. I know many of you love this line. This was the first funny movie that Kristen had done and I was pleasantly surprised at how natural it seemed for her. That was fucking hilarious. Girlfriend can deliver a funny line like it’s nobody’s business. 

James then gets punched in the balls. I love it. It’s the ball puncher in me.

What the hell was that?

It’s just my life.

We’ve all had those moments where it’s nothing out of the ordinary when sucky things happen—it’s just another thing to add to the list. Hilarious. 

So Em and James get in the car and drive together. The music is intoxicating to them because the sexual tension is palpable and yet Em looks so nervous. As soon as I think we’re going to get somewhere the movie fades to black. DAMN YOU EDITORS.

tee hee hee.

Cut to party. You know my feelings on parties. I feel like I never get to go to parties that are as bitching as they are in movies. This time I do not feel alone. I’ve been to these parties. I love these parties. So James compliments Em’s house and you seriously wonder with him why in the hell she is working minimum wage.

It gets me out of the house.

Why do you want to be out of the house Em?

Cut.To.Pool.

I take notes while I watch these movies.

Does anything on that page stand out to you?

Cut.To.This.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This scene is adorable, but damn.  #RidonkadonkBadonkadonkFTW

Then Em starts talking and you find out her mother passed away. Maybe that’s why she’s so guarded. Maybe that’s why she’s running away. Maybe that is why she drinks a bit and smokes sometimes. 

You see that unholy abomination on her head? It's a wig. She had, like, a nervous breakdown when her first husband divorced her. Lost all her hair. I would feel bad if she wasn't such a status-obsessed witch.

She hates her step-mom. That is one sentiment that I can empathize with more than I would like. I refuse to stay at my dad’s house for an entire day in fear that I will kill that crazy bitch. I understand why she is running away.

But THEN, just when I think that Em and James are going to be together for, like, evsies, she invites Connell over. WHAT?! I think he is hot, do not get me wrong. I have The Law of Hot People. You know my law! 

The kiss is hot. He grabs her ass and hoists her up. Uhm yeah. She goes straight for the buckle. Yeah. But this makes me feel rage...

He is married. He is some sick asshole who is taking advantage of a girl who feels like she is worthless. He gets sexual gratification out of her desire to feel desired. She hates herself and that is plain to see. He should know better. She knows better, but she is too fucked up in the head to care. He should care. It makes me cringe the way he speaks to her. 

So we have, like, 5 minutes?

No. There's not much point in wasting time, though.

FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUU CONNNEEEELLLLLLLLL!

Then Lisa P comes back. I love that kid running around screaming that. Lisa P is BACK. She is the hottest piece of a$$ straight out of the 80s. I love Lisa P. 

Work it gurllll

I also love this:

But my dad got injured on the job, and he's laid off, so I got to help out.

Sorry to hear that. My mom has shingles.

Joel is hilarious. Word vomit to the max.

Cut to the bar and James feels so inclined to tell Em of his V-card holding. Second hand embarrassment. She talks about how she is not a virgin. He says the word intercourse a lot. I was glad Em said something because I don’t like that word. It sounds so… official, like we’re in health class again. 

...what exactly is a virgin?

But then Connell shows up with his wife, and Em makes excuses. 

No, I mean their marriage is sad. He didn't want it. Now he's trapped.

No, sweetie. You are fed a lie, and you know it’s bullshit deep down inside but it helps you sleep better at night. 

Cut to the car again and Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground is playing. I adore this song. I adore this soundtrack, but I adore this song. It gave me hope that they were going to get a little friskAy. Great mood music.

LISTEN TO THIS

And they kiss.

It’s good too. GF tangles her hands in his hair. She likes to do that. It’s like a KStew trademark. Those lucky boys.

I also love this part: 

I feel like I'm watching TWO firework shows.

So then they are making out on the couch and her dad and step-mom walk in. James has a boner. He always has a boner. He needs to burp the worm a little more. Serio. CONTROL THAT.

But the step-monster is a bitch. Kristen says the second funniest line in the entire movie:

She once violated our cat Gypsy with a ballpoint pen.

Step-monster goes crazy and Em runs outside.

This, to me, is the second most beautiful moment in the entire movie. She is upset. She is out of her mind over that bitch, and I understand why. There is not one picture of her mother in that house. She lost her young, too young, and her dad just didn’t care.

When my mom first started getting, like, really sick, my dad starts going to temple. He's never been serious about his faith. But he decided to buddy up to God, like he thought it was going to help save my mom. And that's where he met Francy. My mom loses her hair in chemo, and my dad starts fucking a bald woman.

And my heart aches. It’s raw, and it hurts, and she in the throes of a tragedy she has yet to process. She doesn't understand her feelings yet, and she is saying these words that she hasn't learned how to cope with, but she’s fucking beautiful when she says it—because honesty and tragedy always are. Beautiful.

Then THIS happens and I nearly toppled over.

When I get excited, my little china girl she says...

WHY!?

Because of THIS:

I have seen this movie too many times.

Perhaps you forgot that we yacht DakotaStew over here, but I never forget. This is beyond fate. This is like… creeeeeepy. This is me watching this movie too many times so that I can make that connection.

I love when things like that happen, you know?

Let’s enter Razzmatazz. 

Now that is a place I want to go. With music like that. And Lisa P!

no but serio... I do...

I do the Lisa P dance. It’s true. I do it whenever I’m in a bar and there is music. I love to dance, did you know that? I’m a horrific dancer. But I love the Lisa P dance and I do it to any song. 

Em and James dance. It’s kind of awkward, I’m not going to lie.

But who cares about what they are doing because truth be told, when thinking of Razzmatazz, the only thing that matters anymore is THIS:

I play this over and over and over and over.

This is where we shall stop part 1.

Hate this scene. Love this outfit.

Because that gif is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, KStew is better than you.








PS- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.... NOW you learned something new today.

[A/N: Favorite parts of the movie thus far? Favorite lines? Dislikes in the movie? Do you hate Ryan Renolds as well?Anything I missed that you love? I’ll try to answer you guys in the comments and we will discuss until Friday. When I tell you that you will kill yourself for missing Friday’s giveaway I mean it. BE HERE.  I love ya more than I love Lisa P!]

I know your birthday was yesterday, but I didn’t post yesterday. I posted today.

Happy Birthday, KimmCarr.

I adore you more than words, and I can’t wait to serenade you with KOL in November.