Putting the Em in Oh Em Gee

Oh hey ladies! Remember that time that I said I would post on Tuesday, but I really posted on Wednesday? At this point it shouldn’t surprise you that I’m always late. Truth be told, E was moving into a new apartment and I needed to help her.  I knew about this long before last Friday, but I thought I could write this up in time. False. Labor Day weekend took its toll on me and I am literally a walking zombie. All I want to do is get into bed and never get out. Many of you are with me on that one, no?

#catquota. Thank you, Andie!

 Let’s begin with the giveaway! Drumrollllllll......

uhhh WTF!? I DEMAND A RECOUNT RANDOM.ORG!

This week's winner is Amy aka @Evalola80 aka my British bff. I almost didn't believe my computer when I looked at the number random.org generated in comparison to the commenter with that number. Amy consistently tells me these contests are rigged because she never wins. I almost don't want to let Amy have it because I can't believe she will finally stop pestering me. GUESS WHAT YOU CRAZY BITCH OF A BRIT? YOU WON! You've got some US mail coming your way. 

Okay so let us pick up where we last left off at Razzmatazz. KStew was showing her mad dancing skills (behind the scenes), and then we cut to a very serious scene under the bridge in which she tells Brennan, “There’s a lot if shit in my life.”

she looks so pretty here, no?

I love that line. While it isn’t necessarily that many words, it speaks volumes. She is very vulnerable in that moment, suggesting to Brennan that they take it slow.

How does Brennan internalize that notion? He goes on a date with Lisa P! Listen, I’d go on a date with Lisa P, but not over Em. That being said, he always has those damn boners and Connell did say that boys have needs.

Interesting coming from Mr. Infidelity himself.

Then Joel goes over to Sue and offers up a book. He looked so nervous and it was so cute. She was a bitch and told him that his religion was the reason they could no longer see one another. Joel relays this to Em. Em decides to take it into her own hands, but only after Joel shouts after her, “Worse things have happened to the Jews!”

I still laugh when I hear that. Do you guys know that I was meant to be an 80-year-old Jewish woman? It’s true. If not that then Asian, but seriously I mean this. Have I told you that E is Jewish? I have grown up immersed in the splendors of the Jewish culture ranging from breaking fast on Yom Kippur, to Sisterhood Shabbats on Friday nights at temple with a cantor who sings Simon and Garfunkel.  Knowing the encounters E has experienced in her own life with anti-Semitism, Sue’s explanation made my blood boil. I find nothing more offensive than ignorance and intolerance.  The idea that someone is better than someone else for their religion, culture—or ANYTHING for that matter—makes me crazy. [Unless it’s KStew. KStew really is better than you, me, and anything and everything we see.]

Of course it made Em crazy.  She marched straight up to that firecrotch and said,

“You know, you don’t deserve to date Joel! I mean, you’re an anti-Semitic asshole! What, do you, like, hate gay people, too? Do you support apartheid? You are not my friend.”

look at how long her hair is!

I may have even verbalized a “woot!woot!” the first time I saw this movie in theaters. I find nothing more satisfying then people standing up for their friends. If a friend of yours is wronged, it is your duty to stand up for them. Everyone needs somebody to have their back, and moreover, everyone deserves somebody to have their back.

PLUS TEN FOR EM!

Brennan and Lisa P go out on a date, and let’s just say that a girl with that IQ should have a lower voice—if you know what I mean. Brennan begins to talk about Dickens and then she comes out of nowhere with her boat question.

Obviously, we would choose a yacht.

I googled 'stupid people' and found this. THIS SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

But when she asked him that question and he looked at her, realizing she was ahem special, I was almost positive he was going to ask her if her parents were siblings.

Upon his return home, Brennan finds a note from his mother saying that Em called.

And Asshole of the Year Award goes to...?

Here’s the thing. I don’t resent Brennan for going out with Lisa P. Hell, I don’t even hold it against him. I do resent Em. That being said, the note made me feel even worse for her. She is such a good person deep down inside. She literally just has a lot of shit in her life.

To make it up to her, Brennan gives Em all of that pot. YIPES. Not many people would do that.

Em made pot cookies, which she, Brennan and Joel consume. Then they went to play on the bumper cars. This looks like a barrel of laughs. Perhaps it’s just me, but I never had that much energy to run around a theme park or operate heavy machinery post-inhalation. I must’ve been doing it wrong.

Fast forward through a fight over glued on hats and we are at the part where Em pulls Brennan away and tells him how she really feels.

“I don’t want to lose you…”

he is, in fact, sniffing her forehead.

Cue collective sigh.

Joel quit. Joel is pissed that Brennan took Em for granted and touched Lisa P’s tit. Bravo to Joel for standing up for what HE believes in. The poor guy deserves a girl like Em.

“You don’t even appreciate what you have. You’re chasing after Lisa P. when you have this incredible, beautiful girl right fucking there.”

Preach it, Joel.

Then? Well then everything goes to hell in a hand basket at an astounding pace.

Brennan confesses to Em, who pretty much tells him to go fuck himself. Realizing that Brennan at least had the decency to be honest with her, Em goes to Connell’s house to tell him what is going on. Connell is concerned that his wife is going to see Em there.

This movie has three of my favorite Kristen acting moments ever. I lump them into one BIG favorite moment because they are pieces of a whole.

Favorite KStew Moment Ever Part 1:

K? Your nose is looking a little red. Next time use a tissue with ALOE in it.

 “I’m starting to really fucking hate myself.”

Finally. The things that she was so desperately running away from are finally rearing their ugly heads and she is coming to terms with the fact that she fucked up big time. Big time. It is kind of hard to watch her say that because it’s sad. It’s sad to watch someone who has held up a facade for so long lose it all. And she does. Piece by piece.

Frigo finds Rich and brings him to Brennan. Rich tells Brennan how Em and Connell were doing “naked push-ups” in his car.

Yipes.

Poor Brennan. Poor, poor Brennan. Thanks to Lisa P., Brennan knows where Connell takes the women he likes to do naked push-ups with. Frigo follows along.

As they wait outside, Em is inside breaking it off with Connell.

"Aren't you hungry... for me?"

"I would legit rather eat off the tips of my fingers... like this!"

Frigo, the funny friend, has no idea what to do. He resorts to humor. That’s what I would do because I am very socially awkward in serious situations. It also allowed a little bit of comedic relief in a moment where I wanted to scream. 

SERIOUSLY!? HE HAD TO FIND OUT TONIGHT? SHE HAD TO TALK TO CONNELL TONIGHT? SERIOUSLY, UNIVERSE?!

“I stole some of my grandma’s cough medicine if you want some.”

“No.”

“It’s grape.”

"No."

“I got a hockey stick in the back, if you want to smash the windows.”

Everyone needs a Frigo.

But the funny vanishes instantly as a visibly distraught Em comes walking outside to find a livid and confused James walking towards her.

This is hands down my favorite KStew acting moment of all time. Please watch:

She looks gut-wrenchingly distraught and she doesn’t even know how to begin to comprehend that Brennan is standing in front of her. Her dirty little secret was found out, but it’s not only that. It had to be unbelievably hard for her to break it off with Connell. And then she sees the guy she is doing it all for standing outside the house.

She stammers. She stutters. She looks around. She cries. She hates herself—truly—she hates herself. She doesn’t know how to cope with what the hell is happening in front of her and I can feel the pain within her every gosh darn time I watch that scene.

And Brennan. Oh Jesse does the most amazing job in this scene. He is gentle at first but he goes after her and she deserves it. He was honest. She wasn’t. And Connell? Brennan had to feel like such an asshole having confided in Connell ABOUT Em all those times.

It is just such a terrible situation to be in, and I think they both convey their own amount of hurt brilliantly.

It is my favorite. It just is.

“You’re not a fucking idiot, I’m a fucking idiot.”

I mean seriously, folks.

Hurts so good.

Lisa P. cannot keep a secret and tells everyone about Em and Connell. Em quits. The humiliation of sleeping with a married man must be insurmountable. The thing that chapped my ass was how Lisa blamed Em and not Connell. I am not saying that Em is not to blame, but Connell was wearing that ring, not Em. Connell had a commitment to his wife, not Em. Connell took those vows, not Em. I HATE when women hate other women and let the men off scott free. HELLO WOMEN HATERS? ARE YOU LISTENING? HE’S THE ONE WHO STUCK HIS P IN HER V! HE CAN BE BLAMED AS WELL!

Em is in a bad place and the last thing she needs is her stepmonster spewing her superficial bullshit to guests who are trying to kiss her ass. Unfortunately, that’s the way the ball bounced. Em walks into her house and pours herself a drink.

I like it.

The stepmonster comes after Em and tells her that she doesn’t like her coming home. Well, that’s her house. That’s the house that her mother and father raised her in, you bald-headed bimbo.

Em pulled her wig in an act of ultimate frustration and anger.

Watch her bite her lip as she does it.

Then look at the way she looks at her father after... like thanks for nothing.

But you know what? I didn’t woot woot. No girl deserves to be told that. No girl deserves that treatment, and her father is such a pussy for not standing up to his witch of a wife. I have lived this very moment so many times, and there is no feeling in the world worse than your parent failing you—the person they brought into this world.

“Emily! Emily, this has to stop. You cannot say those things any more.”

“I can’t say what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling every fucking day?”

She finally broke. She had to. She had to break. She heard her stepmonster talking shit about her every fucking night. She worked at the world’s shittiest job JUST to get out of the house.  It was only a matter of time until she snapped, and I was so glad that she told her stupid ass father off.

What hurt even more?

He never followed her outside.

He looks like an old Ben Stiller here.

Those three moments (in the car, outside of Connell’s house, and the stepmontster/dad face off) make my favorite KStew acting moment of all time. Perhaps it’s because I can relate to some of that, but truthfully I think it is because Kristen portrayed it in such an honest and hysterical way that I had no choice but to sit in awe. 

In the mean time, James gets wasted and crashes the family car into Frigo’s mother’s bushes. It was his dad’s alcohol. His mother chastises him for having the liquor, and the father never ones fesses up to the fact that it is his. James doesn’t rat him out. Why do we, as children, protect our parents so much? It’s such a bazaar thing, and yet we have all done it.

All of James’ money is now going to that freshly ruined car. He lost his 11-day-old girlfriend. He lost his chance to go to Europe. He lost mooching off of his parents for Columbia. He lost his dignity joining Adventurland. He lost his almost girlfriend, Em. The ONLY thing he had going for him was Columbia. He had now lost that as well.

Worst.summer.EVER.

I googled 'worst summer ever'. Look what is on the second row, second in from the left!?

I’d fetal position it—or just lay down on the tracks of a roller coaster instead.

Every character has effectively been knocked down to the ultimate degree.

So now what?

Now you punch Frigo in the balls:

finally!

You get on a bus:

"So many colorsssss"

And you wait your ass in the rain:

how did he get her address...

To see this girl:

If only I looked half as good as that in the rain. A girl can dream...

As I watched this time, I couldn’t help but notice that Em had a level of maturity about her that she lacked greatly whilst living in Pittsburgh. She carried herself differently. She looked better. New York works well with her.

“This summer was rough. I did things that I really, really regret. I am so sorry for fucking this up. You know, you were the only good thing that happened this summer.”

And in the end that is the truth.

“Yes, I see the person who fucked u, but I also see the person who saved me from being knifed over a giant-ass panda, who introduced me to psychotropic-chocolate-chip cookies, and who stood up for Joel, and who doesn’t make apologies for herself. Look, my theory is, you can’t just avoid everybody you screw up with.”

Sometimes you lose sight as to whether he is talking about KStew or he is talking about Em, and that is why I love this movie.

They head inside and he takes off his wet clothes.

"Games? Games? Games?"

"No more playing games, baby girl. Intercourse."

“Hey Em? I really missed you.”

STOP IT. I melted. I can’t stand when boys say cute things. I immediately liquidate.

Instead of getting dressed, Em realizes that she has the real thing standing right in front of her, and she does what any sensible girl would do in that situation.

Have intercourse.

I love the ending of this movie. I love that there aren’t many words exchanged but yet there is an understanding. I like that everything had to get really bad because in reality that’s what happens in life. Things get fucked up—and we all have a lot of shit in our lives—but it gets better if you let it—and if you OWN your actions.

Em owns it. James owns it.

Kristen owns it.

It’s my favorite Kristen movie of all time. It has my favorite KStew acting moment of all time.

bow chika bow ow.

Also, Jesse? Nice gunZ!

Because she owned Em Lewis in Adventureland, KStew is better than you.

[A/N: Sorry for the delay. I suck. It’s cool, I know it. Thoughts? Parts I left out? Favorite parts yourself? As always, let me know what you think and we shall discuss. Be sure to drop by Friday. I have a couple of announcements to make... See you Friday!]