A list, eggs & a [not so] fond farewell.

This week has flown by. Perhaps it’s because the workweek started on Tuesday, or perhaps it’s because I’m so sleep deprived that my days have bled together and everything is a big blur. 

This will be me by 7pm.

Drinking will make everything better.

Today’s post will be logistics. Lots of exciting things are coming our way. I decided I want to do this in list form.  I love lists. I have a little bit of OCD in me (according to the doctor a lot, but wtf does he know? So he went to school until he was 30. Psh, whatever.) and lists make me feel better. 

1. The last time I did a list, number one was in regards to my sister going to Africa. Guess what? She lands at 4:55pm today. My entire family will be at my house awaiting her arrival and glorious pictures of how she saved the word. Since she’s been away, I’ve done nothing productive. Once again, I just need to share my shortcomings and inadequacies with you guys.

2. It’s 1:49am and I just got this message from my brother when I accidentally logged onto iChat. We are not even in the same town, let alone the same house/room:

In the words of Bobby (Bill Hader), "You been drinking drugs?"

3. It would be entirely un-American of me to not acknowledge that tomorrow is September 11th. I hate tomorrow with a passion. Like many of you who were close to NYC/DC (and those that were far as well), it is an event that elicits goose bumps at the mere thought. This is all I care to say on this matter, but I will never forget. Tomorrow I will count my blessings and simply remember. I hope you all do the same. 

RL picture of me at Liberty State Park in the 8th grade.

4. JHiggs has the most exciting announcement ever to make. Jamie, take it away:

"First of all, I want to thank all of you for all the comments on all the paintings I’ve done this summer. It was really fun to work with CC each week to create the next painting; tweeting, texting, emailing pictures and reading endless KStew articles to find the perfect quotes. A friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago, “You probably know the exact dimensions of her face by now, don’t you?!” Funny, but probably true. At least it’s a pretty face! I’m not going to lie, it was a lot of work, but seeing your reactions and excitement with each new painting made it completely worth it. Congratulations to all of you who’ve won an original JHiggs. I think it’s safe to say you’re the envy of quite a few people. Well, that’s all about to change! As of today, I officially have an Etsy shop (<- click me!) up and running! From here on out, you’ll be able to purchase original paintings of all the ones you’ve seen this summer and you’ll also be able to make requests for new paintings. In addition, as a cheaper option, I’m also making prints of the paintings available. Basically, digital replicas of the paintings printed on premium photo paper. Hopefully in the future I’ll have other KSIBTU items available as well. I know a lot of you are pining for t-shirts and I hope to have that as an option very soon so keep an eye out for that! Thanks again for all the support. It’s been fun and I can wait to create more KSIBTU paintings in the future. Much love." 

Just some of what she has done...

Jamie has been fronting the money for all of the canvases, paints, paint brushes, and shipping for the last 6 weeks. I know a lot of you have contacted me in regards to obtaining a JHiggs Original for yourself. Well, now it’s all yours. She will legit make anything you want in the form of a painting or HQ print. I CAN’T WAIT TO SPEND ALL OF MY MONEY AT YOUR ETSY SHOP, JAMIE! [Note: I have absolutely nothing to do with this shop. If you have any questions, please contact Jamie. She's super nice and will not bite. And she has red hair.] 

5. This will be the last real blog post ever at here at KSIBTU.

This kind of looks like me as a baby.

No, this is not a joke. Yes, I am serious. 

I have absolutely loved coming here week after week, month after month saying the most ridiculous things, only to have you all reciprocate with your brilliant humor and stories. But you know what?

BLOGGER IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE, sincerely.

You have no idea how accurate this picture is.

When blogger doesn’t feel like cooperating, it doesn’t. It doesn't give a shit if you have promised a post. It is so inconsiderate.  It is never held accountable for the fact that it sucks asshole 99% of the time. It is so unbelievably inconvenient for me and it’s an unnecessary hassle. 

So what, you just quit?

FUCK NO! KSIBTU is moving, bitches! We are going to drop blogger like a hot potato and find a new home [actually, the home has been found]. It is going to be grand.

Why are you telling us this now?

This is a one-man show. I am the only one who writes, and it takes me forever to come up with my ridiculousness.  My attention, for now, needs to be on developing our new home. My beloved Buff and I are taking a huge step in reforming this silly little blog so that it works with me and not against me. It’s pretty much going to be as popular as google. DUH.  Buff is going to have her work cut out for her. She also has two of the most beautiful little Bufflettes ever made and a pretty handsome (hot) husband. We need time to do this.

Clearly I made this. Buff has been busy lately.

So you’re like leaving forevsies?

Hell to the no. We will be gone for two weeks most likely.

Two weeks without KSIBTU!? That sounds like a vacation horrible!

If something happens, you bet your ass I will blog about it, otherwise, we are focusing on the next step.

What exactly is the next step?

Get excited. When we return, not only will our address be different, but we will be prettier and easier to work. We will also be mobile friendly. In addition to that, I have a new campaign to launch that my crazy brain came up with after consuming 14 shots of vodka with Buff. We will also have the best giveaway I have ever had to date. 

When the new home for us is ready I will post its new location here. I’ll also tweet about it and annoy the shit out of you guys to change your bookmarks. YOU WILL KNOW WHEN WE ARE READY.

The announcement will be something along the lines of this...

6. To my beloved Jewish readers: Happy New Year! I hope you have the most wonderful ending to Rosh Hashanah. L'shanah tova!

7. I got the craziest amounts of tweets/emails/comments last Friday in regards to my story and Katy Perry’s song Teenage Dream. Many of you said that when you now hear the song, all you can think about is my pervy brother... and Twilight condoms. Allow me to ruin something else for you mkay?

Months back, when I was dabbling in new fanfics (I was new to that world), I put my computer down to think for a moment about a common theme amongst stories.

“Read something you didn’t like?” P asked.

“No.” I answered. He had no idea the smut that was on my screen every night.

“What gives?” He sat up looking at me.

“It’s just… I’m reading a lot of… stories. In these… stories… the girl is always a virgin—in every aspect of the word. And Edwar... er the guy is always experienced. No, he's a freaking expert. I just think it’s so crazy. He’s 17 and he’s doing a fucking standing wheelbarrow (<- you must be 18 or older to click because I say so) with the girl. What the hell can he know about sex and a girl's body!?”

“We just know.” He said in a cocky yet joking manner.

“Right.” I said laying back down ready to open up my computer again.

“Can I tell you a funny story?” He said all giddy.

“Have at it.” 

“Want to know how I learned?”

“Learned what?” I asked.

“Leaned.” He answered as his eyes widened.

What am I fucking Yoda? “LEARNED.WHAT.” I repeated.

“When a girl's body was ready to... ya know... go....”

Insert CC facepalm here.

“You watched porn?”

“Nah. That doesn't really tell you anything, and half the time I had to watch it on mute.”

“Okay, P, how?”

[a/n: P went to parochial school in the town I lived in.]

“One day, when we were sitting in health in middle school, Father Frank left class and came back with a bowl in his hand.”

“Oh Jesus.” How appropriate, CC.

“So he is walking around and making every boy stick their fingers in a bowl. ‘This is how you know a girl is ready,’ he told us.”

“What was in it?” I asked.

He started laughing hysterically, “Egg whites.”

Are you picturing the consistency? YOU SHOULD BE.

And there ya have it. EAT UP YOU HEALTH CONSCIOUS LADIES! 


So long as I live, I will never EVER EVER EVER eat an egg white omelet. EVER. Not that I would anyways because egg whites are fucking gross, but still. Now any time a baking recipe calls for just egg whites, I have to fight down my gag reflex. Egg whites will now and forever equal vaginal discharge.

9. In a farewell celebration to this hellhole known as blogger, and in celebration of Jamie’s step into providing you all with KStew paintings/printings on Etsy, we are giving away ONE final painting. 

Wait, you said last week was the last one!?

Nah. We want to go out of this place with a bang.

We are back with the most popular one as the finale. There are only two other copies in the world. I own one and so does @theurbanwhisk. It’s fantastic:

before

After.

The winner will be chosen at random by random.org, and will be announced on Monday in a post that is literally entitled 'winner'. To enter please answer the following questions and leave an email address and/or twitter name:

What was the EXACT moment that you realized KStew was better than you? Do you like eggs (as a meal, not as an ingredient)? Do you have a gross story you would like to share?

My answer?

I realized KStew was better than me after I saw Twilight, when I saw this magazine sitting on my bed:

this was like porn to me. I could NOT stop staring.

I obsessed over the pictures. Stared at it for far too long. As for eggs? I am fickle with eggs. Half of the time I like them and half of the time I don’t. You know what eggs I don’t like? Vaginal discharge egg whites. And that, my friends, is my gross story.

She clearly approves of my answer and is amused by the egg white story.

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND. CHECK OUT JAMIE’S ETSY SHOP. ENTER THE GIVEAWAY. I HOPE YOU WIN! HAVE A GREAT NEXT WEEK OR TWO WITHOUT ME. I WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH. I HOPE TO SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE!