An Adventure For Today & A Killer Giveaway

Happy Friday ladies! Fancy seeing you here.  

Did you know that IRL I hate cats? And that I'm also

deathly allergic to them?

First I would like to start off with some news. I had a relatively bad day yesterday. I won’t bore you with the details, but what I will say is as I sat with an ailing friend wanting to cry, I got word that my cousin’s wife was in labor. My cousins are like siblings to me so it was like my brother was finally having his baby that was due last week. At 11:26pm my (no, I’m not possessive at all) beautiful baby girl came into this world. This is a lesson that when life knocks you down, breaks your shin, shoots you in the heart and leaves you there for dead—it can totally redeem itself. #BabiesFTW! I love infants. They can’t talk, they are squishy, so fat, and have mounds of rolls I want to kiss.  ALL THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE.

This week is the beginning of the end and it makes me very sad. That being said I’m also elated. Does that make sense? I NEVER MAKE SENSE. Why start now?

This week we will watch and discuss part 1 of my favorite Kristen movie of all time.

Adventureland.

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES

I’ve seen this movie about 4 bagillion times. That’s larger than a million and a billion. It’s larger than googol, which is 1.0 × 10¹⁰⁰ for those who didn’t know. I’m certain that means I’ve been watching this movie for my entire lifetime, including that time spent ripening in utero (<-was that too much?). It also means that I will be watching it long after I am 6 feet under. That’s cool with me as well. If you’re gonna be dead, it’s not a bad way to spend eternity. 

The point being—this movie is my KStewBible. This is the one. THE ONE. This movie, believe it or not, has my favorite Kristen Stewart acting moment of all time.

WHAT!? HAVE YOU LOST IT?!

Con't lose something you never had.

I lost it a LONG time ago, but I am for serious when I tell you that. 

Why two parts?

Why the eff not!? This movie is everything that’s good about life. It’s everything that is relatable. It is perfectly developed characters that you can insert yourself into at any point and remember how utterly shitty it was to be that age.  It’s the freaking eighties. It’s terrible fashion and embarrassing hair. It’s every picture we hide. It is purrrrrrfection.

Now it’s time for Friday Story Time.

Last week a friend of mine was in town with his new girlfriend. We shall call him K and his new shiny girlfriend J, even though her name starts with a K as well.

He was very nervous to introduce her to E and myself because we run a tight ship. My group of friends have been friends since diapers. K’s previous girlfriend turned out to be certifiable. Guess what? I called that shit four freaking years ago. In July, the ex went psycho on his ass and he dropped her like a ton of bricks. 

#CatsQuota

Good riddance.

K and J met at school because they are both currently seeking their PhD in psychology. I showed up to E’s late [because I’m going to be late for my own funeral] and there she sat on the couch. She got up to say hello. She is tall. Not freakishly tall but definitely tall. Blond. Tan. Buxom.

Nice work, K!

We got to chatting. I often asked her questions that would seem as if I was just including her in conversation but I was really secretly prying for info. Preservation people; you’ve got to look out for your own kind.

Then we somehow get onto the topic of our Freebie 5, and I’ll be honest—I brought it up. E and I were discussing who would we geek out with. She said Michael Cera. I very rudely scoffed at her, and not because I don't like Michael Cera (I know all of Superbad by heart and I pray to the Arrested Development Movie Gods every night), but because I thought my choice was better. 

“Who would you pick Princess Perfect CC the Greatest?” She asked.

“First of all, thank you for using my proper first name, and secondly Jesse Eisenberg.”

“Who?” K asked.

“Jesse Eisenberg.” I said, “You know… from Adventureland?”

K shook his head, “What movie?”

“You’ve seen that movie,” J interjected, “You know, the one about the theme park? Kristen Stewart is in it. She is fucking awesome.”

STOP.

is that big enough?

I flat lined. I pressed pause on my current real life and hit rewind.

“You’ve seen that movie. You know, the one about the theme park? Kristen Stewart is in it. She is fucking awesome.”

Wait a sec…. that didn’t come out of my mouth for once!

I was blinking too much—like TOO much. My head was shaking back and forth. I was in awe.

Did she secretly UNF for KStew?

My palms became sweaty. The hairs on the back of my neck were standing straight up. I needed to shove tissues beneath my underarms. I was having an existential KStew possible-real-life-friend-fan meltdown. 

NONE of my every day friends UNF for KStew. In fact, many are the antithesis of that notion. They are idiots. But here was my chance. I didn’t know how to approach her. I didn’t know where she stood on the KStew Fan-O-Meter. 

For example, when you see this, do your eyes go like this (o_O) ?

“You like Kristen Stewart?” I asked with a shaky voice.

This could make or break our relationship. If she said ‘no’ then I was going to have to murder her in front of her new boyfriend, my best friend, on E’s white couch in her fancy living room. If she said she’s ‘okay’ then I was going to have to pretend like all of my dreams weren’t just crushed. If she said ‘Yes! Totally!’ I was going to have to dive across the pretty coffee table and make out with my best friend’s girlfriend. 

These were my only options.

“I think she’s awesome. She just…” she paused—I KNOW THAT PAUSE—THAT KSTEW-BAFFLES-ME-AND-RENDERS-ME-SPEECHLESS PAUSE, “She marches to her own beat. I appreciate that. And she doesn’t hate women, you know? She doesn’t disrespect my gender and she doesn’t talk badly about other girls. She makes me proud to be what I am,” she corrected herself, “who I am.”

Be.My.Girlfriend. P who?!

“Do you like her?” She offered up to me.

‘Like her? I flove her. I secretly write a blog about how I think she’s better than any other human being on the face of the earth. I have zip files containing thousands of pictures of her. I now lock my computer because my brother found my porn. My KStew porn. I have a stash of magazines that people can only touch if they are wearing white gloves and all of their hair is neatly tucked away in a hairnet. I also have every movie she’s ever been in. Do I like her? ….pause…. Do you enjoy breathing air? Answer me THAT.’

No but seriously.

“She crushes hard on KStew.I'm certain she would leave her boyfriend of a million years for her in a heartbeat.” E said before I could answer, “We went to see The Runaways, which by the way, did you see that?” She posed to J.

“The day it came out.” She chuckled.

NO.REALLY.I.LOVE.YOU.

“Anyhow, CC was practically vibrating she was so excited.” E said with a smirk.

Interesting terminology.

“Fuck you.” I smacked her, “You loved that movie.”

“I did.” She answered. 

“Yeah. I think she’s all sorts of awesome.” I said a little too enthusiastically, “and she’s fucking beautiful.”

Uhmmmm yeah. I need a moment.

“Tell me about it.” J said.

That was a rhetorical question, but truth be told I was SO ready to tell her about it. As I went to, K cut us off and started talking about some psychological babble that I couldn’t understand because I, unlike E, am not enrolled in med school, and I am also not a PhD student in psychology.

I zoned out. I dreamed of running through meadows with J unf'ing for KStew as one. 

“Hey!” K said snapping his fingers in front of my face, “I said we have to run. We have to drive back to Philly.” 

“Oh!” I said standing up, “right.”

We stood up and walked to the front door where we exchanged pleasantries, well wishes, and hugged before watching them walk away.

“Sorry there wasn’t more time for you to talk about Twilight or something.” K said jokingly as he walked down the front stairs with J, “ ‘I love Jacob more’ ‘no I love Jacob more’.”

I will bible this when I tell you that she raised her hand from her side and smacked him upside the head, “Are you fucking serious?” she paused, “Team Jacob? Really K? Jacob can suck my left tit.”

We are getting married in Vermont in a week. I will love her forever.

CC + J forevsies

STAMP OF APPROVAL.

On that note, let’s give something away! These giveaways get better and better and better. This week’s picture is [very appropriately] from the Adventureland premiere. 

This quote is from the Allure interview.

It is full of so much win, and it is the second to last JHiggs original we will be giving away as summer sadly comes to an end.

To enter please answer the following question that allowed me to find out that J was a KStew fan:

Who would you geek out with? Also, what is the weather like where you are?

My answer: Jesse, duh, and it's SO SEXY OUT TODAY! Sunny, breezy, not humid, and the perfect temperature--finally.

BE SURE TO LEAVE A TWITTER NAME AN/OR EMAIL ADDRESS FOR ME TO CONTACT YOU.

LOVED this Sundance outfit.

I wish you all the most wonderful weekend. Enter this freaking giveaway and for the love of KStew, WATCH ADVENTURELAND! See you lovely people on Monday!

[A/N: If you have never seen Adventureland then I don’t even understand you. If you need a refresher then you may or may not be able to (you can) find it on a website that rhymes with schmootube.]

To my Paradisiacal Pillars: 

Read my lips when I say I am because you are. Thank you will simply never be enough.