It is time. Oh, and one Mofo'in Giveaway!

It is time. It just is. 

I can’t even hold it in any more. This weekend...

...WE ARE WATCHING TWILIGHT.

I have been putting this off/thinking about it for too long. I’m too in my head. I’m already TOO in my head! The last two weeks of Movie Mondays have been rather serious. I now have a game plan for the rest of the summer, so we will take a break from the serious for a comedy like Twilight. Perhaps it’s not a comedy per se, but it’s far more lighthearted than say… Speak. 

I don’t know how I’m going to do this. There are 52 weeks in a year. I could talk about this movie for all 52 weeks. There is SO MUCH. My issue is this—we know it’s going to have to be a two part-er, but it’s a disservice to the world if there isn’t commentary ON the commentary. I’m going to figure this out, but holy guacamole I am so flipping excited for this because it's the last saga movie to discuss... and also my favorite one.

this is, in fact, Holy Guacamole. Oh, and fuck cilantro. 

As lame as this movie may be (which it is NOT), I have to give thanks , because if it weren’t for Twilight (aka Catherine Hardwicke), I wouldn’t be here talking to you lovely people. I wouldn’t have realized the greatness that is KStew. Well, perhaps I would have, but it would’ve been much further down the line.

I was a movie first, books second viewer. What were you? I’m intrigued to see if it affects the way we view the movie, but to me, there is no better than Twilight.  Best Bella. Best Kristen. Best Edward. Best Rob. Best Jacob because he wasn’t in it. WIN.

bahahahahahahah

That being said, Twilight is like your cousin who is an alcoholic and lives in your aunt’s basement at 37. There is a certain amount of shame that comes with knowing the books from cover to cover, whether you recognize it or not.

When I was going to California for Riley’s, I decided I’d take Eclipse along for the ride. Why? Because I was going for 3 days, and when I returned the KSIBTU crew was meeting in NY for premiere night of Eclipse. It’s nice to brush up, so I had every intention to do so.

I sat down on the plane and a woman sat next to me. We were sitting in the third row and sitting in front of us was an entire bridal party. The bride was like totally like from like Long Island but like her fiancé and her like totally went to like college in like Los Angeles so she had to like TOTALLY have two bridal showers on like both coasts. DUH!

...if only...

I wanted to stick needles in my ears and we hadn’t even left the fucking tarmac. It was ridiculously early as well, so I popped on my noise cancel headphones, put my seat back, threw on my blanket and closed my eyes. I next awoke in Missouri (?) where our plane was picking up more people. I had never experienced that before, but whatever. We were told to get off of the plane, leave our stuff, stretch our legs, and get back on in 15 minutes.

RL pic of me stretching before I got on the plane. Pretend I have blonde hair.

And that I'm translucent and not tan. 

I did all of those things, snatching a soda and a cookie before I got on. When I got back to my seat the woman next to me was already seated.

“Excuse me.” I said shimmying by her as the geniuses who sat in front of us boarded as well. Topic of conversation? One of them currently had two boyfriends. One was much older and one was her age. She liked the older one because she was like so super mature for her age and she could like relate to him and he totally loves to like teach her things about like art or anything else. Basically the guy realized she was a dumbass, taught her how to tie her shoe, and now she feels ‘smarter’. 

Anyhow, I sat down feeling totally refreshed.  I had a cookie! I had a soda! I was Cali bound to fucking sit in a room and watch a movie WITH Kristen Stewart! I was high on life.  ‘Eclipse,’ I thought to myself, ‘I will read that for the remainder of the flight.’ 

As I went to reach down, the woman next to me leaned over.

“Do you not want to punch these bitches in the face?”

DID YOU READ MY MIND!?

“I know!” I said turning to her searching my bag.

“I mean, I can understand being excited, but they literally are the stupidest people I’ve ever heard. All they talk about is material possessions and boys. There ARE two wars going on right now!” She said looking down. I looked down in front of her and noticed a HUGE stack of papers, “Oh,” she said looking up, “health care reform. I work for the government.” She chuckled.

“Oh.” I said nodding, “daunting.” I could totally hang! I’ve worked for senators! I have a BA in PoliSci! I worked at the UN for two summers in college!

“These girls,” she said motioning in front of us, “the only way they can get worse? If they pull out a fucking Twilight book.”

I am the ship.

Pulling the book out is the fall.

The book is the bottom aka death.

ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP! It was all my brain could say to my hand that suddenly stilled.

“Do you need help?” She said pointing to the fact that I was still hunched over.

THINK, BRAIN, THINK!

“Oh no, just grabbing this!” I said latching on to my other book. HOLY S-H-I-T-B-A-L-L-S thank GOODNESS for paperback books. I latched on to that sucker in the knick of time and pulled it out to show her.

“Banana: The Fate of the Fruit That Changed the World?” she looked at me questioningly.

“I uh… I really love global ecopolitics.” I stuttered. It’s kind of embarrassing, but it truly is a fascinating book. Did you know that the bananas we eat are nothing like the bananas that our grandparents ate? And that our grandchildren won’t ever have bananas that taste like ours? SEE?! You just learned something reading this ridiculous post.

trufax.

 

Perhaps I freaked her out with my book because after that we were done conversing, but the point is, I fucking panicked over Twilight.

If it was any other book, I wouldn’t have had to abandon ship, and that makes me laugh so hard. I’m such a freaking coward. Truth be told, I never did get to read Eclipse, but it was just funny and I wanted to share because we will be talking about Twilight. 

So now we are to the giveaway part. This Friday will be different.

Why?

Because the weekend is the Teen Choice Awards. That’s defo a circle of hell, if you ask me. Never watched, but I just don’t think I could. Gossip Cop reported that Kristen won’t be there because she’s working on the most important movie in the world, IMO. Leave Kerouac to watch Katy Perry host the TCAs? Uh… NO. Good, I’m glad we went over that.

Anyhow, do you remember what she wore last year?

oh HELL yes.

Yes. And then this quote came out:

"When she ventures into a dress, it might just be covered in metal, like the Rock & Republic mini she wore to the Teen Choice Awards earlier this year. "Everyone was like, 'Look at your spiky skirt!'" she says with a grin, "and I was like, 'Spiky skirt? They were bullets, mofo!""

And then she showed up at Coachella like this:

Taggin walls since '10

A genius I am not, but JHiggs is. In accordance with the anniversary of The Bullet Dress, we were at KSIBTU are giving away a painting that will look like this:

Jamie's preliminary sketch. Yes, it's still lacking color.

GangstaStew in the house, respect.

So how do you win this painting that Jamie and I want to keep to ourselves but are instead giving away because I have no choice? First of all you watch this video:

this is sooooo much better than Twilight.

Then you watch THIS video:

Now you answer this question. *BE SURE TO LEAVE A TWITTER NAME AND OR EMAIL ADDRESS TO CONTACT YOU IN THE EVENT THAT YOU WIN!!! Giveaway NOT limited to US residents only--only residents of planet earth.*

What came first for you, the book or the movie? Also, when you can live forever… what do you live for?

the stuff on the right is way better, but harder to find.

My answers: The movie and organic chocolate milk (WITH STRAWS).

K: Hm, chocolate milk, serio?

Me:For realsies. Can't live without it. It's like a drug to me.

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND, WATCH TWILIGHT FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME, ENTER THIS GIVEAWAY, AND I WILL SEE ALL OF YOU LOVELY PEOPLE ON MONDAY!

[A/N: Happy Birthday, Iris.

I miss you. I flove you. And I’ll be seeing you sooner rather than later.]