Entertainment Weekly... a month late!

A couple of weeks ago, I flew out to California for a day to see Welcome to the Riley’s. I would do that over in a heartbeat because so many wonderful things came out of that trip. Unfortunately/fortunately, the Eclipse premiere was going down simultaneously so some things had to be placed on the back burner. I skipped over something huge, promising I would return to it at a latter date. That date has arrived.

Before I begin, allow me to expand upon the day when I bought greatness in the form of Entertainment Weekly. I bought my ticket to California the day before I left. Iris met me at LAX and swept me off of my feet into her car. She had a job interview in LA (she’s a teacher) so she asked if I would mind just waiting while she took care of that. We went to some fancy schmancy school and I sat in the courtyard and listened to Joan Jett. DUH.

I always start with I Love Playing With Fire

When she was done we headed to In-N-Out and then Yogurtland. Why am I telling you this? BECAUSE THOSE TWO THINGS ARE DELICIOUS AND YOU PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA ARE LUCKY BASTARDS. In the meantime, a blog posted the entire EW article. I was so excited because the EW article is the best. The Twifecta together guarantees golden lines—always. I snatched Iris’ blackberry and read it aloud and nearly died in the process. Hands down, the funniest one ever.

It was around this time that I realized my phone was going to die. My phone dies all the time—ask anyone. I decided I wanted to stop and buy a car charger. Do you know how many car chargers I own?

NINE.

Do you know how many automobiles I own?

ONE, and it’s on its way out.

We stepped inside a food store and BAM! These were staring us in the face.

yesyesyesyes

I snatched up every copy like the greedy bitch I am, hopped back in the car, and read it over again. Then Eclipse happened and all this other shit and EW fell by the waist side.

Guess what?

Now that Eclipse promo is over, we’ve got nothing but time on our hands! Kristen is in Montreal for preproduction, which means we will be facing a bit of a drought. It’s okay though—we will NOT have a drought here on KSIBTU. More on that next week.  Today we will finally discuss EW. Those that are SO OVER the article… well… skip this. Those that like to play? #LetsDoThis

[Need a refresher? Click here.]

The article opens with the statement,

“At the moment, however, no one wants to talk about the movie—the darkest most compelling of the franchise so far. They just want to try the pie, which features fruit from Stewart’s own backyard. ‘It’s not warm and there’s no ice cream, and those are really the two things that would make it exceptional,’ she says. ‘But it will be fine.’”

There is no going up from that point, there just isn’t.  The article pretty much peaked within the first paragraph. That is so fine with me. This was further confirmation of the now infamous DomesticStew.

I'm absolutely certain this is what she looks like in her house.

She cooks for 20 ppl at a time (cast mates were there. Taylor wasn’t. Well, I think we all know who was there then)! She loves Martha! She bakes… with fruit from her own freaking backyard. That’s too much. That’s too good. 

Enter the loquat.

om nom nom nom

This is now the most beloved fruit in the world. 

Let’s get a little more acclimated with the loquat, shall we? To start I want you to watch this video. I want you to picture everything as a sexual innuendo, because that’s what I did, and then try not to fall off of your chair.  I’ve watched this 20 times. I act more my shoe size then my own age, and even 9.5 is giving me too much credit. 

Tips on Growing a Loquat Tree -- powered by eHow.com

The loquat is indigenous to southeastern China. It was introduced into Japan and became naturalized there in very early times. It has been cultivated in Japan for over 1,000 years. It has also become naturalized in India and many other areas. Chinese immigrants are presumed to have carried the loquat to Hawaii. It was common as a small-fruited ornamental in California in the 1870's, and the improved variety, Giant, was being sold there by 1887. Japan is the leading producer of loquats, followed by Israel and Brazil.

Loquats are wind tolerant and grow best in full sun, but also do well in partial shade. The round headed trees can be used to shade a patio. Loquats also make attractive espaliers.

In California there are few pests that bother loquats. Occasionally infestations of black scale may appear. Fruit flies are serious pests in areas where they are problem. Birds will also peck at the ripe fruit and damage it, and deer will browse on the foliage.

perhaps this is more accurate.

I'm positive she wears heels around the house.

Solution for this? Wolf dogs that will eat you if you come near their sister’s loquats. Problem.Solved.

Harvest time in California is from March to June (PERFECT timing for bringing 15 pies to press in June). The fruit is difficult to separate from the cluster stems without tearing and must be carefully clipped individually or the whole cluster removed and the fruit then snipped off. Ripe fruit may be stored in the refrigerator for 1 to 2 weeks.

The loquat is comparable to the apple in many aspects, with a high sugar, acid and pectin content. It is eaten as a fresh fruit and mixes well with other fruits in fresh fruit salads or fruit cups. Firm, slightly immature fruits are best for making pies or tarts. The fruits are also commonly used to make jam, jelly and chutney, and are delicious poached in light syrup. Loquats can also be used to make wine.

It's empty because I drank it all.

Kristen will be 21 for the next round of press. That means that instead of pie, everyone will be getting WINE. I’m in. Where do I sign up for the alcohol?

This is the label close up... JSYK

Rob said the loquat crumble was, “one of the best things I’ve ever tasted.” Notice how he didn’t say it was one of the best things he put in his mouth. BAHAHAHAH. Okay, I’m done being a perv for the day.

On a side note, when Kristen was on Lopez she mentioned making good Mexican food. Okay serio, Kristen, stop. I was meant to either be Mexican or some Asian decent in this lifetime. I swear. I could eat guacamole every freaking day of my life. I want tacos, enchiladas, and mole FREAKING poblano every night. 

YOU GO GIRL!

If this whole acting thing doesn’t work out for Kristen, God knows she will be a damn good housewife. 

I thought this article was fantastic. The majority of it was funny, but it also made my heart soar with pride when Mr. Pattinson took quite a definitive stance for his costar. Let’s start from the first funny.

Q: The emotional scenes in Eclipse really play well, I think.

Stewart: That is the first time that Bella actually indulges in Jacob and sees that there are two very desirable paths ahead of her and not just one. It takes kissing him to see that.

Lautner [to Pattinson]: Are you lifting weights?

Dear Rob,

Lifting this to your mouth does not constitute lifting weights.

Otherwise I'd be jacked.

Love,

me

I had to stop and double over. I still start cracking up hearing that. Total disregard for the interviewer. Total disregard for Kristen. (And I mean that in the best sort of way) It’s like they are in their own little world together and he had a question and he asked it.

Stewart: Actually, he has been.

Lautner: Seriously, he was just (flexing) and the bicep was bulging.

Also, pumping this doesn't constitute working our your biceps. Thank you.

Taylor? That was hilarious, thank you. And Rob? You really do look like you've been working out. And you look YUMMY.

Now, this? This was too easy:

Q:Taylor, you and Rob have some pretty serious confrontations in this movie.
Lautner: Some of those scenes were pretty hard for me. I think we ruined a couple of takes in front of the house and in the tent. It’s just, I don’t know, I have a hard time looking at him…
Stewart: Ha! “I have such a hard time looking at him”!
Lautner: {Laughs} I wasn’t finished. He and I were thisclose to each other — we are literally, like, an inch away — and we’re screaming at each other.
Stewart: And about to kiss…
Lautner: A couple of moments it felt like that.

NO… REALLY? Like this moment?

uuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmm

Thank you, Kristen, for saying that. Those are the exact sentiments everyone else felt while staring confoundedly at the alternate cover of EW. 

Enter next favo part:

Pattinson: Every single time we had to do a threatening thing to each other — for one thing, you always have your shirt off, and so in the tent scene I literally grabbed your breast. And it’s very difficult to remain in the moment. Also, in that tent scene, I can’t really get over the fact that the word thought sounds like fart.

Stewart: The word thought does not sound like fart.

Pattinson: It does.

Stewart: Maybe because you are an English person.

Pattinson: The opening line of that scene is “Can you at least keep your farts to yourself?” I couldn’t quite get over that.

These cats always crack me up.

The banter? You cannot pay to get banter like this. This section is so inherently Rob that it hurts. It is utterly hilarious. I am not English so I don’t know if thought sounds like fart. Fart sounds like fart to me. Hey Brits, what do you think?

I don't want to beat a dead horse with the next section, but something has to be said of it. Kristen was asked about the comment she said regarding rape. Taylor made a joke about ninjas, which was totally disregarded (thankfully) by Robert Pattinson who came out guns a-blazing. 

Pattinson: None of those associations came out and gave a statement [criticizing Kristen] without being called upon by the media first — who were doing it specifically to get hits on their websites. That whole system of Internet journalists, where no one is called to account, is almost entirely about hate. All these people get away with doing it because they have no responsibility to anyone. All they need is to get a salacious headline and people click on it, because it’s easy. And it’s quite good being part of these Twilight films because you have to give so many interviews all the time, you can defend yourself. That’s the only way. All of us stick together, as well. There are so many little nerds behind their computers, on their little blogs.

Thank you, Robert Pattinson, for saying something.  No matter what you think those two are—they are friends regardless—and friends stick up for friends. He didn’t have to do that. He could’ve made a joke out of it like Taylor did, and he didn’t. He took a stance. All of the women who bashed Kristen over her comment (because they covet Rob) had to swallow a healthy dose of shut the hell up.  As a Kristen fan, he just gained so much fucking respect from me. As a Rob fan, I love him even more.

KStew haterz squeezing their Rob hearts.

The silver lining in this? Kristen knows it isn’t about her. It’s about the fact that she is sitting next to two teen heartthrobs; one of which she is romantically linked to on the cover of every magazine. A lot of people don’t hate Kristen because she is Kristen Stewart. A lot of people hate Kristen because they will never ever get to see, touch, kiss or speak to Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. 

Stewart: I’m a girl, and our fan base is primarily other girls. I would be the same way. I’d be like, “That b—- doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

See? She gets it. She knows what's being said and she is entirely aware. But what’s even better? Those bitches aren’t stopping her from getting whatever or whomever she wants.

I also adored when Kristen said how Remember Me wasn’t a failure at the box office and neither was The Runaways. This just in: they weren’t. To compare a solo movie to that of a grandiose franchise like Twilight would be like comparing a pump from Target with a Louboutin. It’s incomparable. That being said, you can rock the SHIT out of a pump from Target so long as the person wearing it owns it. Rob owned Remember Me. Kristen owned The Runaways. That, to me, is a success.

I also love with Kristen calls Taylor a “cute ass motherfucker.” BRILLIANT.

Lautner: It doesn’t matter. She’s an excellent person to go to for advice. I probably bug her because I go to her for advice so much.

Stewart: Taylor, I would do anything for you.

Pattinson: Okay, that sounded like the most insincere thing.

Stewart: See, you actually have a real moment and people just think that you’re lying.

I'm pretty sure from here on out I'm going to try

to put Ruth in every post. RUUUUTHHH <3

This is important to me. I realized while reading this that I never take what Kristen says as insincere, you know? I never feel like she’s blowing smoke up someone’s ass for the sake of doing it. If she’s going to say something it’s because she means it, not because she has to say it. She isn’t a puppet. She doesn’t have a master. Her publicist doesn’t mold her into a perfect little celebrity who can’t say what she means, feels or wants. RUTH, FTW! Kristen is just Kristen. 

Although I have contemplated the fact that Edward and Bella ‘wait for marriage’ because Stephenie Meyer is Mormon, I never contemplated the following: 

Q: Some people read Breaking Dawn as very pro-life and Mormon because Bella decides to have her baby even though it’s endangering her life. Did any of that bother you when you read the book?

Kristen and Rob both said no. I think I would say no as well. You can’t just write a fucking abortion into a teen book. That just doesn’t go very well with the flow.

Stephenie Meyer’s mistake wasn’t creating a “teeth-baby” that nearly killed Bella. Stephenie Meyer’s mistake was creating that freaking kid in the first place.. THERE WAS NO NEED. JUST NONE. WHY!?

Here’s my alternate ending for Breaking Dawn. They get married. They go away. They go to New Hampshire as planned. They fuck around for a while until one day, Bella goes on a hike looking for Edward. Because she is clumsy, she falls and gets attacked by a bear so she has to be changed. Enter VampBella. Then, Alice is having visions of Edward getting taken by the Volturi. Everyone is on high alert watching him when the tables turn and the Volturi take Bella. The Cullens, Alice specifically, were mindfucked! Then it’s a matter of getting an army back together, flying to Italy and killing all those Volturi fuckers so the Cullens rank supreme. Also, Bella gets to use her little mind power so that the Volturi don't have any power once the Cullens arrive to save her. [ © my ridiculous brain. This is gonna make me BAZILLIONS.]

Look for this in fall 2010

{Note: THIS IS A JOKE. I'M NOT WRITING ANYTHING. EVER.}

STEPHENIE MEYER? I JUST BEAT YOUR BOOK. See? No baby had to be made. No Jacob imprinting. Fuck, no wolves at all! 

Do you see how easy it is for me to get off on a tangent? Just mention Twilight and my head starts spinning around like a scene straight out of The Exorcist. 

So the article concludes with a very appropriate question:

Q: The Breaking Dawn movies are the last in the series. How do you feel about all of this coming to a conclusion soon?

Stewart: In terms of shooting them, they’re almost done. We’re going to be done by March.
Lautner: It will be so weird, the last day of filming that last movie.

Stewart: It will be sad, too. It’s been one of the most crazy, indulgent experiences as an actor, to be able to follow a character for this long.

Lautner: I think stopping will be very weird.

Stewart: It will just feel like a chapter has been closed.

Lautner: A big chapter.

Stewart: I’m going to be like, “But wait, there’s this scene…”

Pattinson: {Laughs} “I know how to do the tent scene now! I’m 30!”

It will be sad. It will be very, very sad. The chemistry that these three possess together is something that Summit must be thanking their lucky stars (or $billions$) for. It cannot be concocted. It cannot be paid for. It has to happen. How appropriate that it ends with Rob throwing a little bit of humor out over a scene that ended up being quite good.

are they ALL on boxes?

This is the best EW. It managed to be funny, light-hearted, serious, and riveting (in parts) all at once. Why? Because the Twifecta is the shit. More importantly, Kristen is the shit. She’s genuine. She understands herself. She owns what she does, and for someone who is 20, to possess such a trait? That’s unheard of. I still don’t know myself as well as she knows herself, and I have a few years on her. But guess what? KStew is better than me. With each of her answers you can just tell she cares. She really cares. And as she has said before—nobody cares more than she does. I believe EW did Her Holy Hotness justice. 

Look at the pretty.

Because she can bake loquat crumbles and owned it in EW, KStew is better than you.

[A/N: Better late then never, no? I thought this article was hilarious. I also thought it was very insightful where it needed to be. What did YOU think of the article in EW? 

It’s summer and Kristen is in Montreal gearing up for OTR. Some think that there’s a drought. Well, there’s no such thing as a drought here at KSIBTU. I have… plans… for us for the summer! And some really cool… presents? This Sunday (July 18^th), this website will be closed for a day. READ CAREFULLY: It will SAY that it has gone private, but that’s just my way of making it so no one can see. Some things need to be tended to, so I just need a day to get my shit together. Monday afternoon we will be back in business with what’s going down this summer, and some other fun stuff! Have a lovely weekend, and I’ll see you beautiful people on Monday!]