A Letter to KStew because KSIBTU

Dear Kristen,

Growing up my mother always made birthdays unbelievably special. She always told us that it should be more important than Christmas. That’s hard. Growing up Christmas was like… well Christmas! Waking up before the sun, looking out your window at the snow covered streets, walking out into the living room and seeing a tree with presents stacked beneath it. Christmas is magic. So for my mother to suggest that she can make birthdays more special than that is rather brazen of her.

But guess what?

She did.

Birthdays are a huge deal to me. I will break into your house and crepe paper the shit out of it. I wrap my presents meticulously. I make sure I put a candle on your cake for every year of your life, plus one for good luck! Perhaps it’s the type A in me, or perhaps it is the psychosis, but truthfully it’s because birthdays really ARE the best day of the year. It’s YOUR day that no one else can take away—unless they are spotlight-stealing assholes like various friends of mine. Sorry, I digress.

I've never taped a bitches' mouth. But I'm considering.

Anyhow, tradition has it in my house that we talk about the best things that took place during our year. My mother believes it’ll make us head into our next year with ‘positive energy’… I don’t know… perhaps it’s her Klonopin speaking. [note: that’s a joke. My mother isn’t on Klonopin. Thank you.] I would say that 19 was a good year for you, a very good year. My mom always tells me it’s people and not things that should make you happy, but clearly she’s never saved up a few paychecks to buy Louboutins. Once again, I digress.

Any how, your life is rather hectic so I’m going to refresh some of the standout moments of the last year of your life and remind you as to why 19 was so kind. I won’t be wearing my normal armor of snarkiness or my dry sense of humor. Today I shall be human.

Let’s start with the MTV movie awards. Listen, I know you caught a lot of slack for dropping that popcorn, but majority of us found it more than hilarious, and not in a rude and facetious way but in an entirely relatable way. True story: last July I was bringing my cousin’s future wife her bridal shower cake and dropped it along the way. The entire thing went crashing to the ground. Welcome to the family! THAT is lacking grace, yours was just silly.

"Ah, did you guys see that!? It leapt out of my hands!"

Then July comes around and Comic Con happens. Truth, you deserve an award for being able to handle that many Twilight fans in one sitting. Not all of them are Twihards, which has to be so reassuring, but regardless it is a room that is so full of energy. Once again, I’d fetal position it and suck my thumb… only after throwing up. I get that it’s an uncomfortable situation, but there was a part that was the best part—a line that made you the clear-cut winner that day. (I love winning.)

audible gasp and eruption in cheers

THAT. WAS. BOMB. Know why? Because it wasn’t just the media that was speculating if you were preggers, it was those fucking Twinsane people who WANTED you to be pregnant with Robert Pattison’s baby, which if you didn’t know, you’re 20 but you guys are already married and I think you have 3 kids. Congrats! And so this was the big F-U to the banana crazies. It even looks as if you made Mr. Pattinson blush. CUTE!

The October issue of Interview is also a favorite. That was one of the first times, aside from Nylon, that a photo shoot didn’t seem hokey or spurious. It was badass. When I put my middle finger up in a picture I look ridiculous. Also, if I put on any of that attire I would look like a poser. You didn’t… because you’re better than me. Do more things like THAT.

Can you see out of those or...?

Let’s fast forward to New Moon press. That has to feel like a whirlwind, eh? Did you know that your fumbling and stumbling over words in Twilight press is what made me love you? It’s true. It seemed as if you seemed a lot more at ease with the New Moon press. That makes sense. You’ve pretty much seen it all at that point huh? [Please see twilight tattoos] Well truthfully I didn’t listen to every interview because I couldn’t get over your steeeeeeeeeeeeze! It was so good.

Truthfully the best part of this past year was watching the clothes. As girls we can all drool over clothing we will never get to wear, and what better than to see it on you! You’ve got legs for miles and an ass we can bounce a quarter off of! (Sorry Anonybitch, just deal with the objectification for now). They say as we grow up our style becomes more definitive, but I think for you this is the upside of fame. You get to experiment and wear whatever the heck you want because you are a walking billboard. Bravo!

Now. I have to mention Harper's Bazaar. This could be an all out battle with people that I consider my own friends. Let’s say this: the interview was great. I thought the newlywed game would’ve been the most ridiculous thing, but I got it once I read it. They called it a newlywed game to get people to read hoping you would answer the question, but instead this interview humanized you guys. I’m not too far off of Mr. Pattinson’s age, and your stories made you seem your age and not robotic. Life isn’t perfect, the end.

But the pictures. Kristen, what did you guys say when they asked you to do this?

Rather Morticia of you

I just can’t imagine it. Listen, I do NOT mind this:

Oh Catherine, this trumped you.

Or this:

Not a bad place to be, just sayin'

But I kind of mind this:

tee-hee-hee! She's my baby momma!

That’s not you. And that’s not him. I want more raunchiness, more badass, more authenticity. I know you don’t have much say in it so I won't sit here and talk too much smack about it. If you were ever to announce your pregnancy or engagement—that’s the kind of picture! I would’ve loved to hear the conversation that ensued after those shots were taken. I bet you guys were funny. I think we’ve all taken pictures that we look back on and think uhhh… whaaa?!?!!? It’s fine gf.

Anyhow, after New Moon you finally got to live your life in almost privacy! You escaped to London, which btw NICE WORK! New Years 2010 bitches!

The next time you resurfaced was Sundance. I love Sundance. Do you know why? Because I love Park City, Utah. Do you know why? Because I love to ski. I want snow all day every day, unless I don’t want it aka when I need to drive. One of my first posts here was how freaking good you looked in that snow. I resemble a wet rat, it’s cool though, KSIBTU. Sundance is magical though. I went two years ago, and it was lovely. There are famous people everywhere you look and it just has an awesome indie vibe to it. You got some slack for being there this year because you are part of a ‘franchise’, but we both know that was bullshit because half of the other actors there were major people as well. I call that jealously. We all know I loved Sundance because it’s when I started yachting DakotaStew!

bahahah

Then you just went through your whole Runaways press. This brought us many gifts, one of which was LenoStew. That was pretty magical. WhackMeOff was the best game ever presented on network television. It also brought us more amazing style, and for me my favorite look ever was the Pucci. The dress, the hair, and the pink lips slayed me.

So now here we are. You’re now officially 20. I remember 20. 20 is a giant cock tease to get to 21. That being said, if you’re in, ahem, other countries outside of the US you can already drink! You can go to war here, but when you get back you can’t have a beer. It’s fucked, I know. I went to Europe for a few months right after my high school grad as a little celebration before college started in September. We were so blatantly those Americans because we were amped that we could get served without having to show a fake ID of a girl who looks nothing like us. I suppose being 21 isn’t ALL about the drinking, but I’d have to argue it is. After having batshit crazy people scream at you all day I suppose you deserve a big ass glass of vodka. Rough, angry sex helps too, just ‘sayin.

Absolutely necessary at times.

In this moment I am going to become a softy and extend my sincere thanks to you. The readers of KSIBTU extend across the globe. I have heard from people ranging from Australia, to Poland, to the UK, to Brazil, to Peru, to Ireland, to Florida, to Argentina, to Toronto, to California, to New York, to Vancouver, and on and on. Languages may varry, customs are different, but KStew love knows no language, no culture, no bias, no nothing. I know for a fact, as do you, that KStew fans are the best fans in ALL of FandomLand. Thanks for bringing me some of the most wonderful people I would’ve never otherwise met.

I don’t need to hope for anything for you because you’re KStew… I mean come on! Obviously you’re going to win awards, obviously you’ll give it to us hard during the Eclipse promotion, and obviously you’ll make movies that will continue to blow us away. I have previously stated that you don’t need luck when you’re good so I shall leave you with well wishes of your upcoming year. 20 will be better than 19 for sure.

KICK ASS GIRLFRIEND

After everything it’s easy to see, that KStew you are so much better than ME.

Happy Birthday!

[A/N: We will return to programming as scheduled, but I suppose this was lighthearted. I gambled my life away last night, and it was amazing. LOTS of you went and saw The Runaways. That tickles my fancy. Keep going!! I hope you all have a lovely rest of your weekend and we'll meet up again sometime next week!]