Now Yachting DakotaStew2010!

This is the post that leads up to the KStew Birthday post… a prerequisite if you will. I’m not going to sit here and say OH HEY IT’S GOING TO BE EPIC! because it’s just going to be about The Runaways... WHICH WAS EPIC. I have forewarned you all. This is me warning you again: I am going to spoil the shit out of the movie. I’m not sure if it’s necessarily spoiling it, because there isn’t really a huge plotline or surprising twist, but I am going to say whatever I want about the movie. Don’t read Friday if you don’t want to know. Go and SEE THE MOVIE FRIDAY and then read it. Mkay?

you don't even knowwww... unless you do.

I had an entire spiel planned out for this post. I was going to talk about friends, then go into KStew friendship, and then go into Dakota and Kristen, because their real friendship is adorable, which then makes their onscreen chemistry undeniable. But then? Then I got two e-mails. God I loved these. Best ones I’ve encountered in a while. They had me on the floor in tears I was laughing so hard. I have to share pieces of them because I did once tell you that sharing is caring. Please don’t send me e-mails saying ‘ignore the haters’ because these people aren’t haters. They are funny. Let’s start from the top:

E-mailer 1: “I don’t like ur way of saying that Kristen and Taylor aren’t friends.”

Okay so…

wait…

what?

I never said that you illiterate fool! In fact, I really think they are friends in a cute brotherly love sort of way. You don’t get adorable pictures like this if you aren’t really friends:

Come on now, that's cute.

E-mailer 1: “You keep saying stoopid shyt about Nikki Reed. Is it because you are jealous? I know you don’t really have a thing against her so what gives? Just accept that they are friends and you too will never be friends.”

Oh where to start. Sorry for saying stoopid shyt about Nikki Reed. It was in good fun. Remember the disclaimer? I've said several times I think she's pretty and I loved Thirteen. What the hell else do you want? Now. It’s funny this was brought up because some people were less than happy about my joking at Ms. Reed’s expense last post. Get over it kids. I will say this. I feel bad that she was dumped by that ugly trash. Breaking up, no matter what, hurts and sucks ass. That’s why it’s called a break. What I will also say is: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, Paris your rich ass is so fucked. You dumped her and now you have that fucking tattoo on your hand FOREVER. Even if he gets laser treatment, the scar will always say Nikki. Serves your privileged ass right, Paris. I bet he is regretting that move right about now!

Know what else people are going to regret one day? This:

I want this like I want a gun to my head

I finally have the perfect platform to talk about this. I thought this was fake when I initially heard the rumblings. Who the fuck would do that? Well duh, Twihards. It is in moments like this that I wish I majored in Psychology, or that I was studying Psychology. Need a thesis? A senior capstone? Fuck. Get all of those batshit crazy people, lock them in a room, put up a picture of Edward Cullen and ask WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? and WHY? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY!? Do you think that Rob and Kristen are flattered when they see that fuckery? NO! They think holy shit I hope my handler grabs me right now. As soon as I typed that I realized some of these people are doing it for the books and not the actors. I mean all I have to say to that is:

At what point in your life do you say, ‘you know what? I want to put some words from a ridiculous book AROUND MY NECK.’

the fact that this is real?

Blows. My. Mind. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

I want to say to this female, 'dude you can't ever wear a shirt that displays that or it will be so embarrassing!' but then I realized getting it tattooed on your NECK FOREVER means that you literally aren't embarrassed by that. It's okay sweetie, I'm cringing for you. I pray to God that she is married because NO MAN on the face of the earth would want to marry her after that shit. Well, no sane man.

I asked you guys what tattoo disturbed you the most and believe me when I say nearly every single one of you said this one:

This should scare the shit out of you.

I don’t even know. I don’t even KNOW. Fuck that psychology study shit, I want to sit this girl down in real life and say honestly? What in the hell compelled you to do that? In ten years… no… fuck that… in FIVE years [tomorrow?] when you look down at that, will it still hold the same sentiment?

I surely hope not.

That’s the thing with tattoos. I want one so badly, but I cannot think of one thing that I love today that I will love in 20 years… and that won’t look bad when it sags. That abomination of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen will lose its novelty and then what? You look RIDICULOUS. And I mean seriously? Your tattoo artist should be FIRED because Fingers is sooooo much more delicious than that hideous thing on your arm that you call ‘art’. Why did his nose suddenly become flat and fat? Where exactly is the #Jawporn? And as if that 'picture' wasn't enough you had have You are my life now written on the bottom? WHO IS YOUR LIFE? A FICTIONAL CHARACTER THAT NOW TAKES UP YOUR ENTIRE ARM? Please. Seek. Help. Now. I think I drew pictures in Kindergarten that were better than that, and I'm the worst artist ever.

This is why people think all Twilight fans are crazy. It totally makes us all look like women who are so attached to the idea of a fictional character and a fictional family that you get it PERMINANTLY INKED ON YOUR BODY. Whaaaaaaaa?

What the world thinks of us.

Back to the last sentence from my first crazy. “Just accept that they are friends and you too will never be friends.” I’m confused. Was she saying that I will never be Kristen’s friend as well, like Nikki and her aren't friends? Does she mean I will never be Nikki’s friend? Or do you think she got too and two mixed up? I’m going with the latter. To that I say:

SHUT UP. WE HAVE GOTTEN SOOOO CLOSE TO MEETING.

You guys can vouch for me, right? *crickets* Right!?
It’ll happen sooner than you think

[Note: It’s never happening.]

Person two went straight to the kill, “I like you, you know that, but you always judge Jacob Black for being in love with Bella’s embryo, and yet 19 year old Kristen Stewart can kiss 15 year old Dakota Fanning? But it was done tastefully, right? And they’re best friends in real life so it wasn’t weird. You want them to be best friends, but like J/B, you can’t force something that isn’t there. ”

We are going to break that down one by one. First of all, the kiss was beyond tasteful because I can’t even remember the kiss. I can remember the fuckhawt moments that lead up to the kiss that made us all hold our breath in anticipation, but the kiss itself? One second long if that.

I want to kick this girl in the teeth for telling me DakotaStew is not real. DakotaStew is as real as my d cups, which are REAL (was that too much info? I’m sorry.). This has gone viral. To whomever made it: YOU’RE BRILLIANT!

We are unworthy of this video.

DakotaStew is the best thing that’s happened to this earth. I love Dakota Fanning. True story: I was concerned before going to see The Runaways, and even when I heard she was cast. For me, Dakota Fanning was always going to be the little girl in I am Sam. Have you guys ever seen that? It’s lovely, but she’s like 5. I always pictured her as five, and she knocked my freaking socks off in that movie.

If you've never seen it, rent it!

For those of you who haven’t seen The Runaways and share the same concern? The first minute of the movie will blow your shit out of the water and make you realize that ‘little’ Ms.Dakota ain’t so little any more. Holy shizzle. [Note: Friday cannot come soon enough. Must. Talk. Runaways.]

DakotaStew really met during New Moon [Cutlass doesn’t count]. But The Runways was where it all went down. We had pictures of the two in pre-production and during filming. The one I specifically recall was their outing to The Roxy. I remember the headline was something along the lines of, “Kristen Stewart takes Dakota Fanning out to hit the club!”

When I hit the club I look a weeee bit different. And I leave older ppl behind.

Yeah, because when I think Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart I think reckless, under supervised, drug addicted, party animalsssss.

I just had to put this in a post. Any post.

WHAT!? Please. She’s a cheerleader. She was homecoming queen! She goes to school… to HIGH SCHOOL and wears crowns and links arms with hunky football players!

Could that be any cuter? NO. It couldn't.

Continuing with the e-mail, “Maybe Kristen will corrupt Dakota.”

Erm… into what? Into a level headed actress who doesn’t allow fame to get to her head? Into a person who won’t regurgitate generic answers for the press? Into someone who won’t smile pretty for the cameras because they are annoying? I don’t think there is anything wrong with Dakota and I don’t think there is anything wrong with Kristen, which is why DakotaStew is the best thing that has happened to us in many moons! Neither of them need a lesson in fame. They’ve got it down.

I think the real budding of the relationship, from our perspective, was realized at Sundance. I asked you guys what your favorite picture of the two was and you overwhelmingly chose this:

wanna all 'awe' together orrrrr...?

Well DUH! How flipping cute is that. They both look so badass and punk rock. I love it. It’s hard to believe, after watching so many of these interviews, that Dakota is so young. She’s articulate, charming, cute, funny and smart. Makes sense that she’s buddy buddy with Her Holiness, I mean seriously.

And lastly: “I know you think they really are friends, so what kind of pair do you think they are? Compare them to other onscreen greats and they won’t hold a candle. Pretty soon you’ll be shipping them like the new Robsten. DakotaStew2010... NOT!”

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

Dear E-mail NotFriend,

Bitter doesn’t look good on you sweetie.

Love,

Me

There are so many levels of this that I want to address. The first is—I don’t think I’m some super Robsten shipper and I do NOT get the terminology. I don’t like ships. I’d rather be a boat. Or a yacht. Can I yacht them? I understand it comes from relationSHIP, but I don’t care. I’m yachting from now own. Ships get attacked by crazy ass, gun-toting, shot-in-the-head-by-navy-seals pirates. But yachts? They chill in the French Riviera or the Caribbean. I choose THAT.

I'm gonna go with the one on the right...

Secondly: YES. YESYESYESYESYES.

DakotaStew2010!

Tee-hee-hee, people think we're fakin'

Now compare them to some of the greats?

Thelma and Louise? The issue I have with that is they go flying off of a cliff at the end. I’m not so sure about that JUST yet. In their defense… at least they held hands!

LOVE the look ladies!

Laverne and Shirley. I loved me some Laverne and Shirley. My name doesn’t start with an L but all I ever wanted was my mother to sew a freaking letter on my sweater. That being said, PoodleSkirtStew just doesn’t seem like a reality to me.

"We're gonna make our dreams come true, doing it our way!"

The Banger Sisters. Now that movie was a dud... have you ever even heard of it? One is a goodie goodie and one is a badass and they reunite to wreak havoc on the world. And they wear some great 80’s clothing. Big hair. This has potential people, you know why?

Did anyone else on earth see this?

THE TATOOS!

Yes.

Imagine this:

dare I say this is the best one I've ever done?

See? Not so bad. Picture one half saying Dakota (on K's) and the other saying Stew (on D's), and then DakotaStew would live forever and ever and way beyond infinity.

I needn’t point out that all of the above are made up movie friendships, and DakotaStew is a real one—a real cute one. It’s lighthearted and funny! It makes you think of having a grand old time with your best buddy and that’s the first time we’ve been able to really see that from Kristen since she’s hardly ever paired with girls. Hey guys, wanna like maybe be friends of 3? Since Dakota is a girl, there aren’t any stupid ass questions about the objectification of her costar. Instead they get to talk about something other than Twilight—sort of. It goes without saying that KStew is good company for Dakota. Kristen is unaffected by her professional life. That is key to staying grounded and consequently out of rehab. But Dakota is also good company for Kristen. She's not sucking at her fame's teat. Dakota is a huge star in her own right. That is a good thing. It's good to be friends with someone who is your equal as opposed to someone who drops your name to get attention, and NO I don't mean anyone specifically so save yourselves the fucking e-mails crazies. Dakota is something I consider just pure goodness. She seems like just a good person, and coincidentally so is KStew.

Attention: Now Yachting DakotaStew2010!

I know you all love them.

My personal favorite moment was when they were speaking about Breaking Dawn and Dakota said, “Well I don’t even know if I’m going to be in it.” And Kristen jumped on it and was like “YOU’RE GOING TO BE IN IT!”

Well duh. You guys are bffs! KStew needs a female BFF while in Vancouver/Portland! The reason I bring this up is I cannot wait to talk about The Runaways with you guys, but it would be impossible without laying the foundation of Kristen and Dakota. What they do onscreen together, in my opinion, was cinematic brilliance. E? My bff since forever? She disagreed. Wasn’t a Dakota fan [Dear E: I think you’re an idiot.]. I’ll go into that, but for me Dakota and Kristen knocked it out of the park.

Watching them on the big screen is almost as enjoyable as watching them together in real life.

I bet this is better than the leg hitch in Eclipse.

Because she puts the Stew in DakotaStew [instead of you], KStew is better than you.

[A/N: Some of your messages to me, on a personal level, have brought me to tears. I can assure you that your kind words are not lost on me.. It is with nothing but love that I sincerely thank you guys for understanding my week of absence. Truth be told Holy Week was more important than death so all 203420948 members of my family were in town and there was no flipping funeral. Yesterday was the wake and the funeral was this morning. Everything went famously and I cannot wait to get the fuck out of here. Too much family for too long. HELP! As I post this everyone is getting tipssaaaaaayyyy at the repass. Warning: The world may run out of wine.

Friday is a big day. A HUGE day. It’s the culmination of culminations! I want to do 20 posts! Perhaps I’ll do one Friday AND one Saturday. Friday on The Runaways and Saturday and open letter to KStew, from yours truly, as to why she’s better than me. I’m not sure. All I know is Friday is devoted to TR. If you have any thoughts that you haven’t shared with me (in regards to the movie) send it over. If you have: look for a line or two from your e-mail scattered through out the post.

Yesterday an old friend of mine stopped by my bisnonna’s wake and we talked about what we were up to. She told me about her life and then I did the same. “Enjoying the finer things in life?” She asked me. “I suppose I am.” I answered.

The finer things in my life are all of you lovely people, of that I am sure.]