The Rule of Thirds x2 +3

At the very end of last week I was doing nothing. This was exciting for me because I felt as if I had been going at a million miles a minute for some time now. I did nothing on Thursday. I did nothing on Friday. I was so good at doing nothing that I'm hoping there's a profession that's called ‘Doing Nothing’. I would be a millionaire… that’s how good I was at doing nothing.

On Friday, I was sitting on the phone doting around on my computer when it started freezing. First Safari. Then Firefox. I go to restart it and then the screen goes white and a little file folder with a question mark is glaring me in the face.

Fact: My computer crashed 5 days before my thesis was due.

That is officially my life.

Remember when I was bitching about blogger being a whore right before my last post? Sorry blogger, it was my mac. I start crying hysterically and called Apple. The nice man on the phone says that I need a new hard drive and to get to a store ASAP. I, instead, went to my bed and cried forever. My bff Lizzie came over and pulled my pathetic ass out of bed before bringing me to the store. I cried all over the counter as I handed The Silver Fox over to Donni.

Heyyyy Donni!

Donni said they could fix it in 1-3 days. He asked if I wanted to try to save the info from my hard-drive. YES! Then he said it would cost 2K to extract my old files.

oh mah gawd! I totes look like half-dead Bella!

Then I passed out on the floor and my bff Lizzie had to resuscitate me Bella Swan style... except I hadn't just jumped off a cliff... and I didn't get to fucking see Edward.

This is real life, too.

Moving on, I agree to this crazy price because well... every single picture I have ever taken since I was 16 (which was MANY years ago... before digital cameras... when Kodak would put pictures on CDs) was on that comp and I couldn't sacrifice all of those memories. They called me back an hour later saying there was no way anything was able to be saved.

My thesis was on a flash drive... that was safe... but losing everything else? I drowned my sorrows at the bar. Ya'll should try it some time--it's 100% effective.

Truth be told if the worst thing that could happen in my life is me losing my computer then I am one lucky gal, and I was able to pack my entire house and get a lot of work done so in a way it was a blessing in disguise.

RIP MacBook Pro hard drive.

The hardest part? NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK TO YOU GUYS!!! My only means of communication was my iPhone. I was naked. It was so hard. As you all know, I’ve never been part of another blog/forum/thread/twitter… NOTHING before KSIBTU. I started this silly blog because I wanted to talk to people who got IT. Fact: I just found out what LJ was about a week ago (bahahah true story), and I never went any where else to chat it up because:

a. I wouldn't know how.

b. A lot of these places are open forums for hate--which we all know I find absurd.

1.

Why focus on hating someone

when you could focus on loving someone else?

It's flawed logic, in my opinion.

So, because you guys are my everything (and my ONLY fandom friends), my lifeline (that’s YOU) was cut off with the death of The Silver Fox. While everyone in my RL was worried about me getting my thesis done, all I kept thinking was FUCK! KSTEW IS GOING TO BE AT THE MET! I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS WITH THE KSIBTU CREW! I NEED MY COMPUTER BACK!

THAT, my friends, is prioritizing! So I called Apple every 4 seconds for the past few days, and eventually I was bff with Jon--the guy answering the phones. He hated me so much that he returned my computer a day early. Persistence really is key, folks! I didn't feel one ounce of remorse for making their lives hell because I just got that fucking computer this past fall sooo why the epic fail Apple, huh?

I digress. The point is, God knew I would die without you guys so he granted me my computer back to talk about the Met, and holy baby Jesus.... let's talk about the Met.

When I was a senior in college I needed ONE more gen-ed to graduate. Did any of you guys have that problem? You have your whole schedule set and then your advisor is like ‘uh you need another humanities’ or ‘uh you need another social science’ and it’s like FUUUUCK! Well that happened to me so I took FLM 101. It was awesome. We had a small movie theater at my school, and twice a week for 2 hours we’d watch awesome movies. And I earned 3 credits for it. Every once in a while we’d learn about things, one of which was the rule of thirds. This says that when you look at a still or a single frame from a movie (or a pic in photography), it should be able to be divided into 3 equally spaced sections both vertically and horizontally. [Orrrrr something like that...]

waaaaait a sec, this shows nine!

Why am I telling you this?

Because I think Kristen Stewart looked unbelievable last night. Her look is not for everyone. Those of you that get IT understand why she looked good even if you didn’t like the dress. You don’t have to like the dress. It in no way diminishes your adoration for KStew. The dress is not for everyone, and if you are part of that constituency it really is okay. Let me give you a real life example: I hate cilantro but I love Mexican food. Does that make any sense? No. I don’t hate my sister because she eats cilantro by the bundle; in fact I appreciate that because I want to like cilantro… I just cant… but I still love Mexican food and eat it every day. (Did that make any sense? Who caresssss. Now you all know.)

Yes, it's official, I'm off my rocker.

So I’m going to go through this ensemble as if it were the rule of thirds… but a little more… maybe fifths? Hundredths? I'm terrible at math so we shall start from the top down.

The hair. Mmm… I appreciate where they were going with it. I think we were all looking for something so ridiculously satisfying because of who was doing her hair. Perhaps I find it a bit inappropriate for her age. She’s 20. She’s not 200. I get the marcel wave entirely. Sometimes I wish I were a product of the 20’s/30’s just so I could rock some awesome flapper shit. My opinion is if you’re going to do the wave, do it right. She’s done it right before. This time? Not so much.

Is that a double chin? Or just a residual kankle?

Some thought it took away from her face. To that I say WHAT?! ARE YOU LIVING IN THE LAND OF ABSURDITY!? That face is fucking flawless in every single aspect of the word. There are very few faces on this earth that are that flawless, in fact I’d gander nearly none. The make up was perfection. Even when she is standing on one of the most prestigious red carpets on the face of the earth—you can still see her freckles. A+.

eyeee seee youuuuuuuu

Her eyes are beautiful. Without a doubt my favorite part of the entire look. They did such an amazing job on the make up because the green just jumps at you and says YES EVEN MY EYES ARE BETTER THAN YOU. Why yes, they are.

Perhaps a little upper-lip perspiration? TODAY WAS GROSS AND MUGGY.

The lips were nice. I would’ve perhaps preferred more of a red since the look had a glam feel, but please. With a face like that? There is no such thing as wrong. NO.SUCH.THING.

Now we need to travel down to the dress. Some hate it. Some love it. For me? It's just okay, but I love it. Does that make sense? No. Do I ever make sense? No. I was expecting just a TAD more from Chanel, but I understand the vision. You all get IT. So long as you get IT, it doesn’t matter if you like it. It’s all in understanding what she was doing. It’s Chanel. Mother f-ing Chanel. She loves Chanel. This event is the Oscars of Couture. You go and you make a statement.

Kristen Stewart made a statement, whether you like it or not. Appreciate that it is high fashion. Americans have issues with high fashion (Rachel Zoe told me).. That is no surprise. Often times gowns from the runways are altered because we can’t handle high fashion in our face—we find it obscure.

It originally looked like this:

wow. sleeves.

This is what Kristen showed up in:

Look ma, no sleeves!

Cheers to the changes. There are two things I need to say about this: I don’t care if Kristen is wearing the Costco special, She.Is.Always.Hot. The second thing is, she took a risk… in Chanel. THAT IS A WIN NO MATTER WHAT.

Now we travel down the back. Perfect skin. Ivory bliss. Not a blemish or a bump.

She's got dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Guys like what, what, what. Baby move that butt, butt, butt.

Speaking of bumps… check out that tush! This is a very flattering cut on her, in my opinion. Do you know what this made me think of? The mermaid cut. I hate when people wear the mermaid cut when they say… shouldn’t? If you have a lumpy butt IT WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE. Trust me, I know. But KStew doesn’t have a lumpy butt. She has a perfect butt. This made her perfect butt look perfect. Well done again!

Let’s move to the front. Beautiful. She is beautiful. The black against her pale (NOT BLOTCHY skin) is an amazing contrast. I like the jagged shapes of the top because it accents her shoulders beautifully.

what's behind the bag?

Now. NOW. The hemline. True story: I was picking up my computer to rush home to see pictures when the first picture dropped. I was driving. My bloggie bff texts me the picture and I nearly die. First thing I asked her: Is her yatch showing? (NOT to be confused with yacht). DAMN GIRLFRIEND! If she moved that hand… run-roh did this just turn into a peep show? I fucking love it. I flove it. Do you know why? Because she is twenty fucking years old and has a body I’d kill for. If you were 20 and you looked like that then perhaps you too could pull that hemline off… but chances are you cant… because KSIBTU.

In your dreams.

The sheer bottom has people taking sides. If you can take the piece for what it was, which wearable art, then you can accept it. If you see it as a piece of fabric that was attached to your princess gowns when you played dress up then perhaps you don’t want that on a Chanel gown. It sort of reminded me of these door beads (remember those?) that I bought in Venice Beach when I was 11.

bahahahah. So maybe not door beads. This looks like a gypsy.

Those were not Chanel. This was.

I also think the cameras didn’t do it justice because fabrics like that look better in person. We all know that’s true. The little video of her escaping the ball shows it in motion. It's lightyears better. Let's watch:


so.much.better

I also want to include this because we all know how I feel about the NY photographers. They crack me up. Still. Encouraging that bashful smile.

come onnnn, how cute!?

Truth be told it was an edgy way to get her to show off those legs. If she had worn a gown that covered her 20-mile long legs we would’ve all been pissed. Now she shows them off in a classy and edgy way and we’re all pissed. Well guess what, I’m not pissed. Thank you Kristen for showing us how much better you are by having goddamn legs like that.

In addition to that: Karl Lagerfeld wanted it that way. GOOD.ENOUGH.FOR.ME.

The shoes? Well it’s shoeporn. Kristen always delivers on the shoeporn. I couldn’t walk 2 feet in those fuckers. I have heels. I can wear heels. I have very nice shoes, actually. But to walk up stairs in a long dress in front of a million flashing bulbs?

Enter me biting it big time.

So I can officially say: I really really liked it. Was it flawless? No. We all know my favorite Kristen look of all time is this:

yesyesyesyesyes

That, to me, is flawless. But it’s near impossible to be flawless in Haute Couture because its wearable art. You don’t get to tell Karl Lagerfeld how to run Chanel.

She took a chance, and she rocked the shit out of it. Of course she did. She’s Kristen fucking Stewart.

Just a friendly reminder!

Because of the rule of thirds times two plus three (or just times three), KStew is better than u.

[A/N: Big ups to Buff for being everything I am not artistically and in life in general. What did you guys think of the dress? Not for everyone, but you have to appreciate the idea, no? Tomorrow Oprah gets filmed. YOU. DON’T. EVEN. KNOW. Oprah and I have a history together. I met her once… TRUE STORY! Can’t fucking wait for Oprah. Tomorrow I hand in my gateway to graduation. Tomorrow I move. Tomorrow is Cinco de Drunko Mayo. Good things are happening all around us and I love it. I also love YOU. Hope to see you soon…]