Fact.

My word a lot has happened since last we met, has it not? We’re going to do it all. I've gotten millions of e-mails from you guys in reference to what I'm about to speak of. If I didn't recieve that many I suppose I would've ignored the crazies of the world. I won't ignore you guys. EVER. I may be a bit rash. I don't normally like to hate on the haters this much, but you guys are upset. I get it. It upsets me when you're upset because you are lovely, lovely people. Body image is a problem. People who pick on the unbelievably skinny suffer from delusions. I'm going to try to turn it into something we can laugh about so we all feel better and move on. Today we shall address being 'fat'. Let’s hang loyalists and my word let's laugh.

One day in the eighth grade I was randomly called to the main office in the middle of class. I was excited thinking maybe I was going home early because my mother loved me. When I got to the office I realized that was not the situation. Instead I found 6 of my closest friends sitting silently.

“What the heck?” I said turning to them, “what’s going on!”

“NO TALKING.” The mean secretary barked.

I sat down and shook. My parents were going to beat the living daylights out of me if I was in trouble [figuratively people, don't go crazy on me]. My heart started racing. My stomach flipped. I wanted to die, faint and vomit all at once. My brain went crazy thinking about what I could’ve possibly done.

And then? Then the doors opened and we were ushered into a conference room-ish thing. When I walked in I’m pretty sure I lost 10 years of my life. Sitting around a large table were all of our guidance counselors, the principal and vice principal, and much to my surprise one of our best friends. She had the puffiest eyes.

This is my actual eye in 9th grade. My friend needed me to cry for her photo project. I watched Step Mom. True story.

“Mae!” I said running to her, “what’s wrong are you okay?!”

“CC. SIT.” The principal barked.

I looked around nervously and sat. They turned on an overhead projector and then turned to us.

“Girls are very hard at this age. You are ruthless to one another. Now I know you all sit here pretending you are best friends but there is always turmoil within a group of friends. I know some of you have been arguing with Mae—but what some of you have done—this is unacceptable. We count this as bullying. You will be expelled. And we will find out which one of you did it. Your parents have been called.”

I shit my pants right then and there.

The principal brought up a website called hot or not. It was pictures of people that you rate on a scale of 1 to 10 (I think) and leave comments. I knew where this was going and my heart ached. There were several pictures—terrible pictures—of Mae splayed across the internet. This was WAYYY back in the day when the internet was just getting to be fast and cyber bullying was not really a thought. People could post whatever they wanted without repercussions [although some would argue that still exists...] . In the ‘About Her’ section of these pages terrible words were written. She was a kid. A baby. We were all babies for Pete's sake! I started crying. She was/is my best friend. One of our friends did that to her?

“Is that guilt?” The vice principal said sadistically turning to me.

“What!” I said nervously, “I had NO idea about this...” I was shaking, “Mae!” I said turning to her, “I would never…”

“Now we want you one by one.” The guidance counselor said interrupting me. I was first. Alphabetical order always bit me in the ass. I stayed and shook in my boots a little more.

This is an actual picture of me in the 8th grade. I was scuuuuuured! True Story.

“I swear to god I had no idea! I didn’t know anything about this!” I was making myself physically ill.

“CC.” Mae said turning to me when the door had closed, “I know you didn’t do this.”

"You do!?" There is a God.

“We know you didn’t.” The principal said, “but you’re going to find out who did.”

I was the mole. I didn’t care. I would’ve ratted out whomever the fuck I could because I didn’t want to be skinned alive by my parents and what they did to Mae was humiliating. It didn’t take long to find the mean girl in the group and I had an inkling all along. By the time school started the next day everyone knew. Everyone had seen it. And it was horrible. Mae stayed home for a week, and I brought her all the homework she needed.

“CC I’m mortified.” She said crying on my lap.

“Screw them. I want to see them on that website and see what people have to say.”

Now we get where I’m going? Good. I like starting with a story because you all tell me you love that. Well, I love you. I aim to please. Let's make this all relevant shall we?

I got an e-mail late Sunday night... technically Monday morning at like 3am... from a new e-mail acquaintance of mine (don’t worry gf I won’t say your name because I promised). She is so adorable and funny. She always looks for the good in people and never curses. To put it simply: we are opposites. I asked if I could share this with you guys, she said yes, so please read.

“CC my bloggie friend, I am peeved. I’m annoyed. Some may say I’m borderline angry. I was surfing the net and stumbled upon this link. Please click it and then get back to reading.”

CLICK HERE

I clicked the link because I always do as I am told. I looked around. I didn’t like what I saw because it was far too reminiscent of what happened to Mae. I don’t know what The Huffington Post's intentions were, but it was a bit too much for me. Maybe I was too stuck on my own past to look beyond it, but it looked EXACTLY like Hot or Not to me and I have less than fond memories of that. It pissed me off because it was an open forum for KStew hate [to no fault of their own. Haters will find a place to congregate no matter what]. The Post chose those pictures and gave that headline. They were getting exactly what they wanted. A rise out of people. An argument. Hits. All of the above. There is the possibility that they really were just asking people their opinion and no one had anything nice to say. I don't read that website so it would be unfair of me to judge them. Jury is still out for me. I then clicked back into the e-mail.

“It’s unkind CC. This seemed like an intentional way of starting a war between those who get it and those who don’t, as you would say. But you know what really gets me? The comments. They are brutal and based on nothing but hate. I read a lot of them. I don’t want you to. I want to leave you with two quotes and then you are free to do with this as you please.”

I was getting nervous. My sweet e-mailing friend was never down in spirits. So I read the quote, “She really needs a bath and some ProActiv.”

"You did NOT just say that while CC is alive..."

Steam. Steam came out of my ears. PROACTIV?! ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME?! I have gushed over, crushed over, and feigned for Kristen Stewart’s skin. If I ever met her I’d ask her two things.

1. How are you so pale and not blotchy like me? When I get warm or excited or so much as hiccough my cheeks flush like you wouldn’t believe. Why don't yours?
2. Have you EVER had a pimple in your entire life?! How is this possible?

(Her answer would be: Well CC, because I'm better than you.)

For this motherfucker to suggest that Her Holiness had anything less than flawless skin? I want to find them and point out every single imperfection on their guaranteed flawed face. Then I want to dump a vat of oil on their face and make it break out. Then I want to take pictures and show them what bad skin looks like. Then I want to kill them (<- was that too extreme? I'm sorry if so. You know what happens when I get passionate). I don’t EVER want to hear that shit again.

“Now CC, sit and stay calm as you read this next part. Someone posted ‘Always beautiful. Great legs.’ To which someone else answered, ‘Really? She has cankles’ and another brilliant soul also replied, ‘Great legs?! Her ankles are as thick as her lower calves! That’s called ‘cankles’ where I’m from.’…”

UHHH…. WHAT!? No. No no no no no. So I decided I’d look at the picture first. I’m objective… remember?

So I looked and I found myself thinking excuse me, but THAT is a cankle? No. No no no no no. [I swear I’m articulate sometimes, but when I’m passionate and maddened I often times find myself at an utter loss for words. This is me at a loss.] Okay dickbag I’ll show you cankles. THESE are cankles:

This is Kristen?

These are not:

Are we looking at the same legs?

Who the fuck are you telling a 19 year old that she has cankles? Do you feel some sort of sick gratification telling a girl that most likely is ¼ of your weight that she has fat ankles? There is nothing fat on her. NOTHING. In fact I’m pretty sure I can wrap my entire hand around her ankle with room to spare. Shut your fat ass up.

This Huffington Post shit brought me right back to 8^th grade. What people said? It was rude. It was inconsiderate. It was ugly souls at their finest. It was a KStew hate buffet. This is petty bullshit and it’s absolute garbage. GROWN PEOPLE are judging a 19 year old girl. That's grossly perverted IMO. People can't handle the freedom that being behind a computer screen allows. Instead they just say whatever comes to their dense minds. Rate a kid? Rate a kid on her ‘sexy’ faces? You kiss your mother with that mouth? Just... no.

“I don’t know CC. Part of me wants to see what those people would look like. Would they be so hot? Would every look on their face, while tons of cameras are flashing, be flawless? I find it hard to believe. In fact, I don’t believe it. For those who wish to judge I ask they put themselves in her shoes for a moment. It’s just too much this time my friend…”

I think we all agree except I’m going to do so far less eloquently. For those who judge I ask them to buy a treadmill because I bet you’re not so hot yourself. I also ask you spend several minutes in front of flashing bulbs. Then I ask that you look at every single picture that was taken of you and assure me that each one is flawless. It’s impossible.

I think that those 'people' who gave KStew’s ‘sexy’ faces poor ratings and left those ridiculous comments are fat ass middle-aged people who have one hand in a bag of chips and the other clenching a remote all the while sitting in pajamas in their mother’s basement. Only the pathetic hate on the brilliant. FACT.

Wow KStew. Ankles are lookin PRETTY FAT.

Now, let’s move on to the next thing. KStew won the BAFTA! We all rejoiced! I personally attribute it to all our positive vibes my good friends. I did virtual jump claps. Want to know why? Because I was in a car. But my blog-found-bff Kiki kept me company as I sat in horrific traffic for four hours giving me a BAFTA play by play via g-mail. That's talent folks. (I luuuuurve you Kiki). I got an e-mail from her that said people were saying Kristen looked fat.

For the love of God first her ankles and now she's fat just in general?! Has anyone ever opened their eyes before!? It was retarded. Re-tar-ded. That being said, I was on a little iPhone stuck in traffic so I couldn’t give her dress the attention it deserved. Kiki did tell me it was a Chanel dress so I already knew I loved it.

I made it home. I watched the BAFTAs. [BTW: Infinitely better than Oscars. Faster. Well run. And the actors actually had time to speak! Earth shattering concept.] I went and checked out galleries. My thoughts? Dress was incredible, but it was all wrong fit wise. I think we’ve all established that, but the haters latched onto it like the parasites they are. Enter comment: “She has love handles. I mean I dare you to blame that on the fabric.” Enter picture:

That love handle looks really weird. Odd shape. Rather high. Why are you only fat on the left KStew?

DARE ACCEPTED. When you put on a Chanel dress that is made out of beads and plastic then you can tell me how it falls. Those of us that have a brain in our head and not just hot air can recognize that the fit was all wrong causing it to bunch. It’s not a flowing or forgiving fabric so it can’t just cascade down her little body—instead it bunches. Two things strike me about this comment. The first is that I totally won the dare so you owe me. The second is you will never EVER be fortunate enough to find out if my explanation was correct because:

One-> you’ll never be invited to wear a Chanel dress like that

and/or

Two-> you'll never be able to afford to wear a Chanel dress like that

so

Three-> suck it.

If she is fat then I want her fatness. FACT.

The inevitable backlash that we predicted pre-BAFTA ensued but we didn’t care because a. we called it and b. we won so fuck the haters. And then yesterdayyyyy, as if being a KStew loyalist post-BAFTA wasn’t enough, she won Woman of the Year at the Elle Style Awards in London. YOWZA!

Hey thanks for defending my ankles guys.

To the naysayers I say: please put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Although the honor was great, the dress? Oh that dress. That dress was everything I needed for KStew to totally redeem herself from the ill-fitted dress she wore the night before. It was perfection. The funky shapes and patterns on the top portion were such a diversion from the mundane standard black dress making it extremely visually stimulating. It fit wonderfully and it flattered her bust in the best way [could've been cause she got fat that her boobs looked good... ;) ]. The bottom with the draping and pockets? I need oxygen. The dress was her. SO HER. The shoes were light years better as well. Did you see that jacket? Who else on the face of the earth could wear a stunning Pucci dress and then throw on a leather jacket and look like sex on legs? Well KStew. That’s who! It was just a win all around. An epic win. FACT.

! THIS !

Because Kristen won the BAFTA, doesn’t have cankles, is not fat, won Woman of the Year, and looked unbelievably HOT, humble and gracious doing it all: KStew is better than you. FACT.

(All beautiful pictures of Her Holiness are from KStewartfan.org. GO THERE.)

[A/N: Your e-mails and twats are better than ever. I’d say this weekend was a big victory for us KStew lovers out there and it will only get better for us with the upcoming release of some fuckawesome movies. My life? CRAZY! Hopefully posting next on Fridayishhh. Today is my best bud’s birthday. This weekend we’re going away with a bunch of friends [what’s good Beantown?] to celebrate her birthday and…well… mine. Life gets a bit crazy. FACT. Funny people make it better. FACT. I love you guys more than anything on this earth. FACT.]