What the Forks Wednesday: The Finale of Twilight

Happy What the Forks Wednesday everyone! It was supposed to be Movie Monday but that turned into Marylou Monday, which is good because I missed doing a normal post like that. Then I said Twilight Tuesday, but I totally flaked out. I fail. I know. Now, for the winner of Friday’s awesome giveaway:

Congratulations jaemie04! I will be getting in touch with you shortly! You are one lucky girl, and several of my close friends were dying for this. Hahah ladies, YOU LOSE. JK, I love you.  Just wait until this Friday’s. Holy guacamole. 

Now we are back to Twilight and jumping in headfirst. When last we spoke it was time for Bella to meet the Cullen family. 

We watch Edward’s sweet mommy car ride drive Bella deep into the forest. That may or may not be a red flag. Whereas one might be perturbed by the prospect of going into a house full of vampires [that is conveniently situated amongst trees and is so far into the woods that no one would hear a scream], Bella is so in love with her vampboyfriend that gf doesn’t care WHERE she goes. 

not.creepy.at.all.

Upon their arrival, the Cullens are diligently working in the kitchen to create a lovely Italian dish.  Bella mentions she isn’t going to eat because that would make no sense (seeing as they drink blood to survive) and then Rosalie has to go breaking bowls. What a b-word! Totally unnecessary, and her detest for Bella makes me wanna rip her limbs apart. 

“Just ignore Rosalie, that’s what I do.”

EDWARD FTW!!!! She is so rude and I do not like her. That being said, Rosalie is a very well developed character. People love to hate her (me) and that is [dare I say] good writing.

We walk up the stairs past the numerous matriculations (how much would that suck?) and land at one of my favorite lines in all of the movies.

“There’s no bed.” 

YOU HORNY LITTLE DEVIL, YOU! I love how Kristen remarks in the commentary the irony of this line and how glad she was that they left it in. It is so very key. As mentioned in the breaking down of Eclipse, I nearly died when she said, “There’s a bed.” That was such a full circle moment for me. 

I googled 'full circle moment' and this came up. So... yeah.

Not gonna lie, the first time I saw this movie, when Edward suddenly flew Bella out of the window? I turned to my cousin and said, “THE FUCK!? ARE THEY BATS!?” She just told me they were super strong. I say that somewhere in their genetics they inherited traits of monkeys and bats. I’ll chalk it up to evolution. 

PIANO SCENE? Stop it. My panties are gone. Oh Edward Cullen, how you woo me. Oh Robert Pattinson, how I adore your extra long fingerZ. 

I can't even.

We then cut to Bella sitting on her bed in ridiculously skimpy shorts. Good thing KStew has a killer body. She is on the phone with her mother and her mom starts asking her about boys. Speak of the devil… think of him and he shall appear! There he sits on the edge of her bed. She is totally not creeped out by this; instead she crawls up to him.  Here is what I like about Movie Bella. It wasn’t some kiss outside the car where she nearly faints and feels weird about what she did—Movie Bella had the right idea. She put her balls to the wall and went for it. She didn’t just go for it—she assaulted his lap and face. You can never go wrong with that. 

this may be blurry but YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYTHING

BUT HER RIDONKADONK BADONKADONK

Then begins the longest wait before a kiss in the history of mankind. How long? Around THIS long:

JSYK. In case you're ever asked...

This was like watching water boil except the water makes you want to hump a bed. I KNOW YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. When they finally do start it is yummy, and he is careful and she is going for it. She straddles his lap and puts her fingers in his hair. 

yes.

Chances are she’s rubbing up all over him down south, so he picks her up and throws her to the bed. 

For a split moment I actually thought we were going to get somewhere, but just as it gets good Edward ‘restrains’ himself aka pussies out. 

o_O

My first thought was: WHAT THE FORKS!? That being said, what we did get was like a slow burning fire... that suddenly had a bucket of cold water thrown on it. I like it. Aggressive. Get it gurl.

Edward says that he is stronger than he thought—well yeah—that’s a long time you’ve gone without balls. Bella is just getting into her sexual prime. Perhaps the only thing that could’ve made this scene better is if they had kept this:

as per the script

What the heck! I wanted to hear Bella call Edward a perv because when it comes down to it he totally is.

The next big thing to happen is baseball. Once again, this is a scene that I never imagined any other way than it was presented to me in the movie. I happen to love this scene. I think it’s normal and yet vamped out, you know? It’s nothing too crazy. They aren’t flying or anything like that, but they can hit and run really fast. I am very curious, those of you who read first, how did you foresee that scene coming out? And did it live up to your expectations?

Alice’s throwing methods were awesome. Have you tried that? I totally have. Too bad I can’t lift my fucking thigh more than 2 feet off the ground so my pitching method looked like an impeded gallop meets a really amateur and failure of a stomp… aka I looked as if I was suffering from a seizure.

my cat quota for this post has now been reached.

 I’ve mentioned before not being the biggest Muse fan, but I like it here. This is something fun, it’s something exciting, and it’s something I think was executed rather well. But it’s all fun and games until nomads arrive. They ruin EVERYTHING. *picture my gallop stomp here*

James and his friends show up ready to play in a healthy competitive game. Apparently baseball is super popular in the vampire world. Everyone does it and it’s all the rage. But, and this is a big BUT, the wind then sweeps Bella’s hair at the PERFECT moment and she is effed. Royally effed.

Hold on. What is with the perfect timing in this movie and breezes? I didn’t mention it in the last part, but my homegirl Angelica did:

MTE!

Not only is it entirely nonsensical [seeing as everyone is wearing long sleeved shirts], but man that is also very convenient. But for this to then happen again on the baseball field? That is just remarkably and consistently bad timing, Bella. 

Then the most embarrassing part of the movie happens:

omg the growling made me hide in embarrassment 

That is almost as bad as this:

... BUT NOTHING COULD BE WORSE THAN THIS. #NeverForget

The cast said that they were all really getting into that scene as they performed it, and they took lessons on being catlike. The only thing I got into was a laughing fit. Still do. 

After this, Bella and Edward finally have their first tiff. KStew is rocking the heck out of it in this scene. The teary eyes, the frenetic energy, the yelling—it is all very well executed. And so she goes home and pretends she’s in a fight. RUH-ROH trouble in paradise? No way! Creeper Edward is already stowed away in her bedroom. So she breaks Charlie’s heart and I want to bitch slap her.

Wtf man!? #TeamCharlie. That being said, it’s some of Kristen’s finest acting in this movie. She does well in intense situations. 

CALM DOWN KIDS.

Whilst in the garage, Rosalie digs at Bella yet again, and at this point I am SO over her shit. First she goes after her in the kitchen, then she gets all pissy on the field, and now she can’t wear her coat? I believe that Rosalie is just a bitter wench. We all know why, but I think Stephenie forgot half of the story on Rosalie.  See I think that Rosalie and Edward dated. She found Emmett and became uncertain but Edward already hated her by then. Since Edward is a talented pianist, he played her this song to get the point across and now she hates him and consequently Bella as well [LISTEN TO THIS SONG OR I HATE YOU]:

I love Ben Folds, do you? Have you ever heard The Luckiest? Yeah. I know.

Wouldn’t that be awesome? That would make for far more interesting sport in Breaking Dawn. Hey Rosie baby? Check your tude at the door. No one cares about you. Bella and Edward have each other. We all know you settled for Emmett, but that is your issue. Maybe if you weren’t such a meanie (<- mature) more people wouldn’t detest the mere idea of you. PUT ON THE DAMN COAT.

Fast forward through everything in between and we end up with innocent Bella being self-sacrificing and going to the ballet studio alone to save her mom. This would be the appropriate time for me to remind you of my theory on Alice wanting Bella to die. Thank you for listening.

James tricks her. Perhaps one of the most grotesque scenes in the entire series is when his dirty hand is rubbing all over her face. The contrast between her porcelain skin and his hand makes me want to vom because he is such a scumbag.  And poor, naive Bella goes for pepper spray. You have to rip these vampires apart and then set them on fire to kill them, but pepper spray is most def going to work. 

this is how short I got my hair cut yesterday!

I now wholeheartedly believe Stephenie hates Bella as well *light bulb moment*… which is why she SUBCONSCIOUSLY WROTE ALICE AFTER WHAT SHE WOULD’VE DONE TO BELLA HERSELF. Oh SNAP I just solved the entire fucking puzzle! This is why Alice keeps trying to have Bella die! Because deep down inside, Stephenie wanted her to die as well. My word it feels so much more clear now. 

Then James starts throwing Bella around like a ragdoll. Edward comes to the rescue and goes to take her, but he drops her like a hot potato. WTF DUDE!? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER! Now we all know that if in a situation where we are dangling off a building and we have to pick only one person to hold onto our hand, Edward Cullen is NOT your man. 

James then bites Bella. Edward starts to rip his neck off. The Cullens arrive (Convenient timing, Alice).  It’s too late. Poor Bella is lying on the ground, writhing in pain, panting to breathe, bleeding out, and Edward and Carlisle find it an appropriate time to have a conversation that is longer than War and Peace. 

tea anyone?

Also, do I have to point out that for a split second, Alice wants to drink Bella dry? #MyTheoryIsSoRightAndYouKnowIt

“I’m gonna make it go away, Bella, I’m gonna make it go away.”

Well I sincerely hope so considering this is entirely your fault, Edward. At this point, making it go away is the very LEAST you can do for this freaking girl. 

It had to be borderline embarrassing for Kristen to have to lie there and do that for a few takes. How do you act out something you could never, will never and have never felt? Taking that into consideration, I think she did a damn fine job with her almost-vamp-experience.

But let’s be serious. Who gives a shit what is going on in this scene, truthfully, because MFH’s angelic voice carries us through a montage (a NOT lame one) and we watch their time together flash before our very eyes.  Robert Pattinson? Please serenade me every day. Thank you.

Edward? Bella is dead because you made her LAY IN THE SNOW.

Let’s talk about the hospital. I kind of wish they had included Drugged Up Bella because that was hilarious. I wish I had a freaking morphine drip in my arm. That would be the best ever. I think that the banter that took place between the two during that drug-induced haze was funny, but I am a huge fan of the staged story they tell her parents. I love that they contrived a whole cover story. #DeceitFTW #SneakyCullens #StupidHumans

Enter prom. I fancy this scene quite a lot. I think this is Kristen at her prettiest in Twlight. Her hair is curled beautifully (the whole not-a-busted-wig thing helps as well) and she has a very unique look about her. MFH looks hot. 

aw

Please make this a cliché prom night. Unfortunately we know that these two will not be getting lucky afterwards.

So they arrive and I’m feeling good and then this asshole shows up:

GTFO1 This is NOT your prom dude!

What is it about him that makes him ruin EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN? This is when I started not liking Jacob, and I hadn’t even read the books. He looks like such a fool with that freaking hair. I can’t even speak about this because then I’ll start thinking about New Moon, and then Eclipse, and I just ate.

Whatever Jacob Black. Spend those twenty bucks on a freaking hair cut, or some new shorts.

Once inside, we see the shots of everyone at prom having the best time of their lives. Prom was not the best time of my life. The limo ride after could rank, but prom was shitty food, okay music, long dresses and uncomfortable shoes. Perhaps if I had me an Edward Cullen it would’ve been better. I went to prom with my class valedictorian. I told you this when I posted that pic of Anna Kendrick as valedictorian, but my date just scored a job with Microsoft and will be making more money than I could ever dream of. Perhaps I should get on that. Oh hey, remember me? Prom date? No? Well whatever, you wanna get married? No, this has NOTHING to do with your newly landed six-figure job! 

Sorry for that trip to tangentland. 

my life sucks ass compared to this.

wait... no... NOW my life sucks ass.

The two lovebirds escape outside to a gazebo, and it truly is a sight for sore eyes. This scene is freaking beautiful. The whole look resembles magical woods meets a starry night draped in lights [with Iron and Wine playing in the background (can you say win!?)]—and in the middle of it? Two of the most beautiful people in the world.

They say their words to one another, but it doesn’t matter because the look of desperation on her face here:

Look at her face. Seriously though. Look at it.

Shows us that she is literally willing to give everything away for this boy. This is a truth that I grapple with and yet love. It’s what makes this story both creepy and yet a beautiful love story.  That’s Twilight though, creepy and yet touching. 

That kiss was bomb. Tender. Passionate. Desperate. Necessary. 

The movie ends with Kristen saying, “No one will surrender tonight, but I won’t give in. I know what I want.”

hell hath no fury like a woman vampire scorned

Cut to Victoria’s face and you go OH SHIT! And then it’s over.

This movie gives me tingles. This movie excites me. This movie is everything that was good about this franchise before it became greedy. 

The main difference between Twilight and all of its lesser sequels (IMO) is that they didn’t have anything to prove. It seemed so much more effortless, so much less forced, and so much more about the movie than the suits that are capitalizing off of this now infamous franchise. I suppose that’s what gives Twlight that certain je ne sais quoi—it just seems so much more carefree. I love Twlight the most because it wasn’t about maintaining/beating a $number$—it was a couple of young kids meeting up in Oregon to make a movie… with A KICKASS DIRECTOR.

ilu forevsies

Sure this movie is riddled with idiosyncrasies and idiocy, but it’s just great. I could poke fun at it all day long, but when it comes down to it, Twilight led me to KStew and that is something I cannot be ashamed of. Once you read the books and your frustrations become insurmountable, you watch the movie and suddenly feel better. Why is that? Because Kristen is Bella. Because she makes it bearable; hell she even makes it good. 

So thank you, Catherine Hardwicke, for casting Kristen Stewart as Isabella Swan in Twilight for if you hadn’t KSIBTU wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t have all of these lovely people to gush (talk smack) with.

This is when I fell in lurve with KStew. I shall cherish it always.

You win.

Because she played the best damn Isabella Swan, KStew is better than you.

[A/N: I'm currently (in this moment) sitting in bumblefuck Maryland as I make my way through this state. There are two things responsible for me actually getting this post up and not lying to you guys again. The first is apple. Without the iPhone maps app, I wouldn't have been able to click 'from current destination' 'to Starbucks' and end up at a Starbucks. FREE WIFI FTW! The second is Starbucks. They allowed for me to do this:

Passion Tea Lemonade FTW.

Now for real. What did you think? It’s OVAH. I feel semi-sad, but then again I don’t because I know what movie we are watching this Friday. Listen to me closely: JHiggs’ painting this week kind of makes me want to cry. It is my favorite shoot of all time. It is also so very relevant in this moment. BE HERE FRIDAY. 

Now for Twilight. Favorite scenes in the movie? Favorite lines? Discrepancies between book and movie that you had issues with? Things you think you experienced differently because you read the book first? I WANNA KNOW IT ALL! I will do my best to respond to you, but I am on the road today traveling to my next vacation destination. SEE YOU LOVELY PEOPLE FRIDAY!!!!]