MTV Movie Awards... or just The Twilight Awards

Remember how last post I was all jazzed about being able to know what was going on at the movie awards at 3pm Hawaii time? Like I was ahead of the learning curve or something? That turned out to be my worst nightmare, like an Inferno ring of hell, worse than being frozen from my head down and my eyelashes being frozen open.

On Sunday I finagled my way into having E leave the beach around 2 so we could hit the shops and be done around 3:30. I figured that gave me plenty of time before anything important happened. Um, WRONG. Kristen goes and wins right away, and then everyone is tweeting about cuteness and I'm fucking sprinting down the beach to partake in this.

When I got back to my hotel room, I latched onto my laptop and scrambled for a live feed. Enter the suckiest internet that has ever existed on the face of the earth. True story: last Tuesday E and I were on a plane during Glee. On Wednesday I downloaded the episode to my iTunes. It took EIGHT hours. Did you read that? EIGHT. What internet is that glacial these days, I mean honestly.

I serio left this... to go watch MTV. ISSUES? Yes. I have issues.

So I'm struggling to get this freaking feed up and then I see everyone tweet: BEST KISS IN FIVE MINUTES. It was crunch time, I now had five minutes to get myself together or I was going to fling my body off of my balcony… and it was a long journey down.

My feed goes up just in time to see Kristen trip, I get pixilated snippets here and there, and then it goes black. 

I was literally screaming, "NO, NO! NO! NO! NO!" and E came running in as I'm having a hissy fit. She's like, "holy shit are you okay?" I'm like, "WE'RE PAYING OUT THE ASS FOR THE FOUR SEASONS AND THEIR FUCKING INTERNET CAN'T WORK!?" I had a god damn meltdown. This is what fucking Twilight/Kristen/Rob does to me. Ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. Luckily a good buddy taped it on her iPhone and sent it to my email. Let me tell you this, her commentary alone was worth the wait. Hilarious.

I am DYING to know what you guys were shouting as shit went down. DYING. 

Anyhow, I got on a plane at 11:20pm Hawaii time, landed at 8:00am yesterday SoCal time and then I went to sleep. Forever. When I woke up, I saturated myself in the MTVMAs, and I'm in love.

Let's start from the top.

yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes

Kristen looked unbelievable.

Hot.Strappy.Shoes. Not exactly sparkling, but because of fanfic, I picture all heels up in the air. Those would look nice, no?

I freaking adored her outfit for one reason: the gold with her eyes was out of this fucking world.

She never smiles. Ever.

That's not even fair. Her eyes are not even fair. Fuck Twilight for making her wear contacts because holy shit that girl has absolutely beautiful eyes.

A lot of people hate the hair. Is it a weave? A hairpiece? A chia pet?

"You talk shit on this hair... I'll whip you in the fuckin' face with it."

Who cares? It's not permanent, so those that don't like it don't have to worry their pretty little heads because it can be gone in a flash. I personally like that it's something new. I love the length of her natural hair right now, but I like the idea of the long hair. Everyone wanted something new, and then she did it and it was too much. Well, beggars can't be choosers. I think the long hair made this look infinitely hotter and infinitely more dominatrix-y (yes, that's a word as well). 

Kristen looked stunning, plain and simple. This girl has been batting a thousand lately. It's why I often times refer to her as Her Holy Hotness. It's so true.

Now for the awards. As I said, I was dillydallying when Kristen won the first award, but when I finally saw it I could NOT stop staring. Fuck Robert Pattinson for looking at her like that because I am now so unbelievably insecure about the inadequacies and shortcomings of my OWN personal relationship. As my non-psycho killer bloggie bff, @TheUrbanWhisk, put it:

AMEN TO THAT!

The speech was so cute. I thought it was so freaking adorable that she thanked Chris. Come on. She could've thanked anyone on the face of the earth, and instead she took that opportunity to tell her old friend that she really missed him. It made me miss Chris and those fucking pants.

remember when K wore his pants?

NOT! I loathe those pants, but I really do miss Chris. Congrats to Kristen for winning that award because she really freaking deserved it.

Moving on. The next part was The Kiss. I'm pretty sure it's a proper noun now, right? Because people stop breathing, twitter crashes, and the world stops spinning when two of the hottest people ever created MAY possibly fornicate (if you're EXTRA LUCKY) on stage in front of millions of people.

Don't stare too long. Something bad happens, I'm sure of it.

Even better than the kiss was when Kristen had a little trippy-poo walking up there, turns around, and grabs onto Rob's chest. Ummmm yeahhhh, where do I sign up for that?

K: I'm gonna slap you in the face.

R: hahahah! Ok.

Woah there, let's keep this PG.

We've all seen the kiss.

I had a pixilated version. I saw them pretending to not know how to kiss, then it was a weird thing of Rob hovering and then an internet fail fade to black. Hey Twilight? THAT'S HOW YOU FADE TO BLACK! Holy shit I went bananas. So I went on twitter and everyone was abuzz and I heard they didn't do anything. I was like THE FUCK!? Then I got the video in e-mail and totally retracted my statement.

I think it was cheesy

K: You kinda smell funny...

awkward

R: I'm very sleepy, so ima rest my head right *places head on hand* here.

and adorable.

....

...and HOT.

And if they think for ONE second that any person on the face of this earth thinks that it's hard to make them look hot while kissing, well then they are delusional. Please. PLEASE. Sometimes the looks exchanged between the two are enough to make you quiver, so a kiss? Uh yeah.

It had a lot of try in it this year and that annoyed some of you. It didn't annoy me at all. Last year was like… ugh… that was so fucking epic. SO.FUCKING.EPIC. So when I saw them stumbling I was like laughing and cringing all at once because awkward things (even if planned as this) make me feel awkward. Anyhow, I got over it. Why? Because that boy fuckin grabbed that girl and just BAM.

once again, it's like staring at the sun...

That is every fanfic you've ever read in your whole life. Don't even try to tell me it's not. Like, come on. It also made me think of She's the Man. Those of you that have been with me from the beginning know I reference the 'big dumping' to She's the Man in my second post. Well, I will call upon that 'great movie' again!

In the movie, Amanda is talking to the yummy Channing Tatum (while pretending to be a boy) and says, "No man... if you wanna kiss her... You go right ahead and you kiss her! I mean, knock yourself out! You just take her... then kiss her. Then kiss the crap out of her!"

o_O

TomStu sat Rob down right before the MTVMAs and told him that exact piece of advice. 

That shit was hot. I don't care if people are pissed that they couldn't see if they actually kissed. WHO CARES. Use your imagination, you do for everything else!! He attacked her ass. Finally. GET IT! She's hot. 

That's why she needed to have long hair, don't you get it? That wouldn't have been as hot unless you pictured him pinning her against a wall after. 

Now for the battle of this year-vs-last. There is a chance that I liked last years just a little more, and don't go crazy on me for saying this because it's simply my opinion… one you can obvs respectfully disagree with! I love heartfail. I like to not get what I want and hurt over it. So when Kristen and Rob DIDN'T kiss last year (and gave me blueballs) I was like damn that was fucking awesome. 

"We won! We really won!"

"They like us! They really like us!"

That being said, I have watched this clip over and over and I laugh and smile the entire time. They were everything you would've expected them to be, and if you really thought that they were going to have a make out sesh… well then you haven't been paying attention to ANYTHING since 2007.  WELL PLAYED ROB AND KRISTEN. If it wasn't what you wanted, well guess what? Chances are they are going to win next year as well, so you can start praying to your Robsten gods tonight.

Afterwards, Rob said that he thought he had the best idea ever for their best kiss skit, but he was shot down by anyone he presented the idea to. I cannot even imagine what his idea was, but I've said it before: the world isn't ready for their sex tape so that had to be put on the back burner. And besides, they are the faces of a chastity belt franchise that preaches to abstain, so no, Rob, that wouldn't have worked... this time.

Also, this is one of my favorite pictures of the night…

But doesn't it remind you of this?

What IS it with Rob and Disney movies? 

After this kiss shenanigan, Rob won Global Superstar and Best Male Performance… and then he thanked Kristen.

Yipes. 

(CC translation to YIKES!)

If you tell me that he 'had' to thank Kristen (as per Summit), then I'll tell you that you have to get your IQ tested... or just go back through your local school system. I didn't see that one coming because sometimes handlers seem like raging biznatches. Oh, that reminds me, HOW ADORABLE ARE KSTEW AND RUTH!?!? Get out of town! I love them so much. Team Ruth.

You cannot look at this and not smile. Legit.

Anyhow, Fingers' exact words were, "and Kristen because without her, you know, she's the lynchpin of the whole series…"

FINALLY SOMEONE IS THINKING CLEARLY!! How long have we been saying this kids? Forever and then some. Robert Pattinson just got infinitely more classy in my eyes, and it wasn't even possible because I flove him so much already!

It was upon reading some things that I realized that not many people have any fucking idea what a lynchpin is. That shocked the hell out of me, but it shouldn't because not many people read nowadays. A lynchpin is an anchor or backbone. In Rob's eyes, Kristen is the backbone/anchor of the saga… oh and in all of our eyes as well.

Bravo to Robert Pattinson for saying something so genuinely nice about a girl who is constantly shit on by the public, and sometimes her own fair-weather fans (shame on you). 

Then a new Eclipse scene was shown. Let's watch it together, okay?

...Jacob who?

I'm not sure why people even bother getting upset anymore because the clip wasn't anything shocking. Obviously I wasn't the biggest fan of this clip, for no other reason then I CAN'T STAND JACOB BLACK. Uh duh, we all know that. Stupid ass Bella walking away from Edward to get on the back of that idiot's bike makes me wanna shake her to death. But guess what? Girlfriend never had the best judgement anyway considering she is dating a gosh darn vampire. Sure it didn't happen in the book like that, but for dramatic purposes (and LIES purposes ONLY) it now happens in the movie like that. Well Edward, that's what you get for lying. Next time, grab her by the neck and kiss her. Perhaps that will stop her dead in her tracks. o_O

Perhaps the biggest win of the night was PFach. I didn't get to watch this until the next day, but I was rolling on the floor fucking dying.  Sure he said the word fuck a million times and it made me laugh, but the piece de resistance was his quote to Stephanie Meyer. 

"Stephanie Meyer, without you this world would not be. We wouldn't even be here. I'm not going to curse with you 'cause you're mormon."

I have a very fucked sense of humor so that had me absolutely DYING. And after Peter was done with his epic 'fuck' speech, he went over and gave our girl a nice hug and kiss. 

"Thank you so much for saying fuck all those times."

Had Kristen stood up there and said fuck 12308 times she would've been reamed in the ass again by every publication in the world, but because Peter did it, it was hilarious. And it was hilarious. And Kristen thought it was hilarious. And so in the end they hugged it out.

Pete Wentz tweeted:

Well now I couldn't agree more. Wouldn't it be better if they had a specific Twilight awards and then we could pit them all against one another? It would be far more competitive, and this so-called 'family' that they are always claiming to have would quickly crumble. I'm an asshole so I would laugh. But seriously, these kids are on fire and it isn't stopping anytime soon.

Congrats to Kristen, Rob and Anna for all of their wins… and to Twilight because you take all of the money out of my wallet and I cannot wait until June 30 to continue this tradition.

I think Kristen looked absolutely stunning that night. Her spirits were high. She smiled a lot, and truthfully she looked happy to be there. 

"I dropped the popcorn, and this time it landed face up!"

Did you watch the awards? Please, KStew is better than you.

[A/N: WELL… WHAT DID YOU THINK!? I know I said we'd talk about this Monday, but it just wasn't in the cards. Sleep was. I'm back in SoCal, and tomorrow evening I'll be meeting up with some of Cali's KSIBTU readers. You guys know I'm terrified of people, so I'll be letting you know all of their twitter names... incase I turn up dead. Also, KSIBTU will have a really cool (and brief) announcement on Thursday so be sure to stop by!! I love ya more than the SoCal sunshine!]