If you've got it, FLAUNT it!

I’ve wanted to talk about Flaunt for some time now. The pictures surfaced a couple of weeks ago, but I said nothing. I needed time to absorb the hotness; I also needed time to get my grubby little fingers on a copy.

I was in NYC this past weekend and searched high and low for that freaking thing. I was close, but no cigar. I soon became friends with every human being that sells magazines on the entire island. Some of them actually have my number. I’m no longer in NY, I’m in my temporary home as I prepare to defend my thesis today, but my phone keeps ringing from my new magazine vendor friends. Apparently lots of places are getting them today. We’ll have to see if that’s actually true.

Anyhow, you people that live in LA are the bees knees because you got the magazines first. Hot off the press. One of my bloggie bffs snagged one and overnighted it to me. Legit. How fucking nice is that? I’ll tell you how nice: TOO NICE. I got it on Saturday and held it close as I rocked back and forth. I slowly opened the shrink-wrap and uncovered this holy magazine. Let me tell you something:

It is so much better in person.

I couldn’t talk about it with you guys until I had it in front of me. It would’ve been entirely inauthentic of me. You know me. You know I need it in my hands. Guess what? I’ve got it. Let’s give this a go, shall we?

are you fucking drooling? I am.

I happen to think this is my most appropriately named post ever. Well, maybe not ever. Let’s just say I like the title. Sweet Jesus, have you seen these pictures? They are quite possibly the hottest things out there... until Elle comes out. They are the very definition of sex. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Is that bracelet considered an occupational hazard?

Oh girlfriend’s got it all right. If I attempted to wear any of these outfits, they would bulge in places they weren’t supposed to, and I’d look like a freaking idiot who dropped into a trailer park from outer space.

that's me on the left!

So it seems as if this was the interview going down when this happened:

Maybe if I point like THIS the paps won't see me pointing them out!

Good to know.

I liked this interview a lot, but then after getting a lot of your e-mails I could no longer determine if I loved this interview. Let's just say I fancied it. I’m easily influenced. It’s why I started drinking at 14. That or because it was my sister’s 18^th birthday, and her hot friend offered me a Baileys on ice. I took it like it a loyal member of Jonestown as if the hottie was Jim Jones himself. (<- Was that reference too old for some of you? Google it.)

What I appreciate about her interviews is that she isn’t guarded. Ask her a question and she’ll give you an answer. Perhaps it’s not your desired answer, but she has no filter. I totally dig that.

The first page let us know we were in for some fun:

“The actress stars in a shocking new rock biopic, carving out a niche of respect after years of teenybopper fare.”

Translation: Joan Jett > Bella Swan.

Done.

I loved when Kristen talked about Sundance and acceptance. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face: validation is a very important thing whether you admit it or not. As human beings we are all vulnerable and we don’t like to be picked on or shat on. Kristen is a kid, and sometimes I am more than sure that this fandom forgets that. Instead, people twice her age feel privy to tear her down when they have children that are right around her age. If you do that, I wish the same fate upon your children.

“I was so scared to go to Sundance. I thought everyone would write shit reviews. I thought everyone was waiting, itching to say that I should just go back to Twilight.”

Fact:

Twilight < Runaways & Twilight < Riley’s

I suppose the pressure is nerve-wracking and the hate at times is insurmountable, but the affection that critics have for Kristen is not going unnoticed by myself... or any of you for that matter. She’s good. They know she’s good. We know she’s good. Roger fucking Ebert said [in reference to Kristen in Riley’s], “Who knew she had these notes? I’m discovering an important new actress.”

I know those notes. I think I sing to those notes every day and eardrums around the world shatter. I flove the notes.

What I don’t love are the creepy old people that walk up to her. YOU. ARE. CREEPY. OLD MAN. YOU. ARE. CREEPY. That’s not normal, I’m sorry. No. Seriously though, what was he a fan of? Twilight? No you’re not! You saw hot ass pictures of her once upon a time. Perhaps you played a little game of WhackMeOff after you watched HankyPanky! But a fan? Puh-lease. You didn't fool anyone Mr. Creeper.

I had two close e-mail correspondents of mine not like the fan encounters, one of which made several valid points:

“…it was all about the fat lady with the cookies. I just wanted a little more KStew, and a little less fat lady. And maybe not so much 'she’s not the girl from Twilight'. Well idiot interviewer, prove that by not mentioning Twilight every other sentence, hey?”

It’s beyond a valid point, but Kristen will have to deal with the Twilight questions well into 2012. 2012! Does that not make you a little dizzy? It makes me dizzy. I can’t think about what I’m doing tomorrow, let alone TWO years from now! Perhaps the fountain will dry up though. How many different ways can you ask the same question until it becomes ludicrous?

BAHAHAHAHAH. I'm kidding. We all know that'll never happen.

'I will fuck up your shit. Just like I did to these blinds behind me.'

What I do have to say is she has the best one-liners out there.

“Twitter fucks me over every day of my life… It’s like ‘Get off your fucking phone and get a life!’ I get so mad.”

There’s a lesson in there for Twihards somewhere, no?

I suppose the BEST line in the entire interview was in reference to punching people in the face.

Q: “Have you ever punched anyone in the face?”

A: “No! I’ve hit people, but I’ve never clocked someone.”

Can I be serious? It’s always been a dream of mine to just knock somebody out. I’m a pretty relaxed person, and every once in a while I can be rather aggressive with my words. But don’t we all have that friend that just loves to start shit when you’re at the bar? And they just run their stupid mouth until the other party gets so pissed that they get into a war of words? And you know it’s going to come to blows? Perhaps next time I will stand in the middle and throw the first punch. For KStew! Because there is no way on earth she doesn’t want to punch a million different people out a day… and she can’t… because unlike the rest of us it would be front-page news. I think from now on we should all just punch people! For Kristen!

A lot of people misinterpreted this interview, kind of like the way they misinterpret Kristen in general. She isn’t sitting here saying she hates her fans. If you came to that conclusion you can’t read, and you’re an IDIOT. (<- There it is! My fav word!) Let me break it down for those that are slow on the uptake: Kristen Stewart hates her fans about as much as Robert Pattinson hates vagina. GOT IT?

I see a young girl who is still figuring herself out. She’s 20. The person I was at 17 was light-years different from the person I was at 20 and eons different from who I was at 22 and so on. Perhaps she’s paranoid and perhaps she’s vulnerable. Have you seen the crowds?

imagine that everywhere you go. NO THANK YOU.

I was thinking about her having to deal with fame and kind of wanted to just fetal position it. Sure it is the price of her job. Sure she signed up for it, but that doesn’t mean she has to like it. You know when you’re younger and you don’t have a care in the world? And as you get older you learn more and more and more about just how fucked up this world is? And there are times when you want to just go back to when you were 12 when everything was so much more simple? That’s how I think of fame. It’s not there until it is, and once you have it, you have a little desire every once in a while to go back to a time when perhaps you could take a stroll.

HOLY HOTNESS. GET THE EFF OUT.

My minor issue with the article (if I had to nitpick) was that it didn't bring anything new to the table. Instead we know that she has a stiff neck and that people like to approach her. We know she doesn't like to be papped and that twitter is the bane of her existence. Ask her something new! Ask her something we don't know! What's your favorite tree? Pool or ocean? Lies or lies? If you had to die with one book in your hands what would it be? Add a little life to it every now and again.

The best part of the article is the conclusion. I absolutely adore the man who wrote these words. They are amazing. It sums up every single thing that we feel, doesn’t it?

“…This young woman sitting at this table is engaging and charismatic and smart and pretty. The precision of her disdain and general enthusiasm for shit-kicking is infectious. She makes you want to root for her…. But most of all, every time she looks over her shoulder and winces, you wince too. The vigor with which she’s clutching on to any semblance of authenticity is something you’d like to help her keep too. Fuck it. I’m a fan now too. Sorry. Throw me on the burning pile with the rest of them.”

FIERCE.

Welcome, Gregg LaGambina, we’re glad to have you on our pile.

mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

Because she’s got it and she freaking Flaunted it, KStew is better than you.

[A/N: Did you love the pictures? Were you drooling? Did you fancy the interview? Let me know your thoughts! Today is a pretty big day for me. Thursday is probs the most important day of my life. It’s also Oprah. It’s also Fingers’ birthday. I HAVE EVERY INTENTION OF WISHING HIM A HAPPY BIRTHDAY (in a very brief way) so if you can’t stand to see his name, skip it. If my life goes accordingly on Thursday, there will be something REALLY fucking cool going down … so… let’s just say it will be in your best interest to stop by! Have a good rest of the week, and I’ll see YOU lovelies on Thursday!]