Who's the vanityFAIRest of them all?

A while ago I got my issue of Vanity Fair in the mail. My mother sends me all of my magazines, which by the way I don’t pay for. Are any of you getting magazines and you have no idea why? I keep checking my bank accounts waiting to get raped, but nothing. I’ll eat it up while it’s still coming. My mom wrote a note that said:

I bet you guys get notes from your mom that say I LOVE YOU or I MISS YOU. Not I.

Well, I would like you tell you that she surprises me but her reaction was expected. I wrote it off to her going through Menopause. [Side note: I wish I could write in cursive. I remember doing it all through out grammar school and then it was over. Mine looks like shit.] A while later my friend came over and grabbed the mag, being sure to open it to the spread bc there was nothing too bad she could say about the cover. I mentally counted down. 5...4…

“OKAY SERIOUSLY CC? LOOK AT HER!” She said slamming it in my face.

How predictable you are, dear friend of mine.

I took the magazine, and I’d seen the picture before. I conceded.

I don't want to talk about Megan Fox, Carrie.

“Not the prettiest picture I’ve ever seen of her, but it’s fine. Not her best, but it's nothing to scoff over.” I shrugged.

“NOT HER BEST? LOOK AT THE OTHER GIRLS!?”

So I did. It’s also not Amanda Seyfried’s best—and I don’t care for that angle on the absolutely stunning Anna Kendrick. I, however, got stuck on Abbie Cornish. Confession: I kind of really like her. But, did any one else watch this video at the 1:09 mark? Watch:

"Your vagina is showing"

Now, a model I am not. I don’t know the proper procedure but I’m pretty sure I learned manners in Kindergarten and they didn’t sound like that. Maybe she was having an off day. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she was hungry. [PSA: Feed the models!] But take into consideration that their photographer was ANNIE FUCKING LEIBOVITZ! That’s epic, folks, epic. I would never ever never ever never ever speak like that in front of a photog legend. “I find the more I sit here, the more uncomfortable I get.” Well… sorry it isn’t as comfortable as Ryan Phillippe’s lap. [It’s ok Abbie I’m a crank sometimes too. I still love you.] I couldn’t help but wonder if Kristen had pulled that nonsense—oh my word—could you imagine the haterade that would be passed out?

Because it makes you feel so much better on the inside to be pathetic.

You want to talk about face? LET’S! I’ve always had this thing about Evan Rachel Wood—I can’t tell if I love her or loathe her so I fence it. I saw 13, she was rockin, and she’s another one of those pale people that I’d skin. When she’s not pretending to look like a vampire in real life, she can be beautiful. This picture? I’m just okay with it… just OKAY… but what I’m really stuck on is her fiancé. [Girlfriend you can do shittons better.] I cannot mention her name without shouting MARILYN MANSON MARILYN MANSON MARILYN MANSON!!! Whenever I hear his/its name I think back when MTV still played music and he put on a gnarly rendition of dope show:

For the record, where can I get this outfit?

It was pretty earth shattering for me at the time.

Now, as a KStew lover or just a human in general I can admit a bad picture when I see one. Are any of you super human and look good in every picture? I’m not. I’m a normal human and I take a LOT of bad pictures. That picture? It is NOT a bad picture. If this is the worst picture Kristen Stewart has ever delivered then BY GOD she is one lucky bitch. But it's not. It's a pretty good pic actually. She is still giving epic face. So her hair doesn't look like Abbie's but she's not Abbie--she's Kristen.

“She looks pissed and her hair is ugly.” My friend said.

Let’s address the hair, shall we? Her hair? She didn’t do that! Have you ever watched a video of a photo shoot? Every 2 seconds someone is running in to touch up their make up or move their hair. It is no coincidence that her hair looks like that. Oh, and if you haven’t heard she’s playing this nobody named Joan Jett, and the magazine is promoting that fact. Does any one else see the connection?

“You’re jealous.” I said to my friend.

“Jealous?!” She shouted.

“Sweetheart your legs have NEVER looked like that and if she is pissed, which I don’t think she is, but if she is her face is still BEAUTIFUL. When you’re pissed your face is not beautiful, nor is mine.”

She gaped.

Yeah, I went there.

OH YES I DID!

The point is not that Kristen’s picture isn’t the most beautiful one she's EVER had taken, and truthfully I don’t mind it at all. The point is that she’s in the issue. The point is that she’s sitting amongst the likes of Academy Award nominated actresses such as Anna Kendrick and my personal fav Carrie Mulligan. The point is that there were eight other girls in that photo that had to look good as well. The point is also that Kristen Stewart is on the cover. Where are you in that picture? Could you point yourself out? No, you cannot because you weren’t invited. So hush your lips and focus on the fact that she is about to have an incredible and exciting year and that she was in this issue and she was on the cover [not the fold out]. If you think you can look better? By all means start your climb to Hollywood. I will root for you and then judge the shit out of your issue—but hey at least I rooted for you!

Sorry but you're not going to make it.

As I have just proved, it’s easy to nit pick, but did I feel better doing it? No. Did I accomplish something inside of myself by pointing out Abbie Cornish’s momentary flaw? No. Did I accomplish anything in pointing out that ERW is ENGAGED to Marilyn Manson? Why yes, I gave you nightmares for the rest of the week.

It's a bad sign when the guy wears more make up, FYI.

Why must we constantly pick out what is wrong with KStew, or any of them for that matter, as opposed to praising the fact that these are pretty fucking awesome ladies who have a lot going for them?

This is how we dress on a day-to-day basis.

Because KStew IS in one of the most coveted issues in the industry, she is of course better than YOU.

[a/n: I have gotten the nicest… NICEST… e-mails and tweet twat twits from you guys. I fucking love you. Period, end of story. I. FUCKING. LOVE. YOU.]