KSTEW IS BETTER THAN YOU

The Winner, finally.

2010-09-16T13:41:00.004-04:00

Please excuse how long it has taken me to announce this freaking winner, but I’ve been pretty busy.

With what?!

With these:

that is two days of my life right there

I thought it would be stupid (kind of like Twlight). I was gravely mistaken.

I started reading them on Tuesday night. I finished them today. Work was the worst thing ever. I just wanted to get to the end. In the midst of my breakdowns over these books, I kept turning to @KimmCarr to tell me everything was going to be okay, but she couldn’t.

For those of you who have read, you know it’s one of those things where you say ‘holy shit!’ but subconsciously you are relieved because it couldn’t possibly get any worse… AND THEN IT DOES. TIMES A BILLION.

Before getting to Mockingjay, I almost surrendered. Peeta, you know? Then I got this text from @Kimmcarr on the notepad I had purchased her for her birthday from Urban Outfitters:

I bought her this pad to pretend she's having a go

at people she dislikes.

I wet myself laughing. Sometimes all you need is a little bit of encouragement.

Anyhow, for those of you who haven’t adventured into the black hole that is The Hunger Games, give it a whirl. I liked it.

I would love to say progress is moving at a fast pace at our new home, but it’s slow. Things have come up. One day after another. Never ending. I contemplated just running myself over with my own car, but I couldn’t figure out the mechanics of it.

DRAT.

I kid, I kid. So those are my excuses, and here is the winner of the last ever Blogger Bites so KSIBTU is Moving Celebratory Giveaway:

Congrats @Vicanlp! You have been here forevsies. You are fantastic. This greatly excites me that you have won. I will be in touch with you shortly!

I also want to thank all of you for the overwhelmingly positive response JHiggs received from you guys. Because of the response, Jamie has created new masterpieces such as this:

I would have to get on first... don't give me any ideas.

And this:

dying.

And this:

I.WANT.NAO.

All of which I am going to purchase. The goal is to have an entire wall full of JHiggs Originals. [to check out her Etsy shop click here]

In conclusion, I plan for our new home to be ready in about a week...

So THAT'S why it's not working!

... or at least here's to hoping!

I miss you all. I love you all. I will see you soon!

A list, eggs & a [not so] fond farewell.

2010-09-10T13:30:00.000-04:00

This week has flown by. Perhaps it’s because the workweek started on Tuesday, or perhaps it’s because I’m so sleep deprived that my days have bled together and everything is a big blur.

This will be me by 7pm.

Drinking will make everything better.

Today’s post will be logistics. Lots of exciting things are coming our way. I decided I want to do this in list form. I love lists. I have a little bit of OCD in me (according to the doctor a lot, but wtf does he know? So he went to school until he was 30. Psh, whatever.) and lists make me feel better.

1. The last time I did a list, number one was in regards to my sister going to Africa. Guess what? She lands at 4:55pm today. My entire family will be at my house awaiting her arrival and glorious pictures of how she saved the word. Since she’s been away, I’ve done nothing productive. Once again, I just need to share my shortcomings and inadequacies with you guys.

2. It’s 1:49am and I just got this message from my brother when I accidentally logged onto iChat. We are not even in the same town, let alone the same house/room:

In the words of Bobby (Bill Hader), "You been drinking drugs?"

3. It would be entirely un-American of me to not acknowledge that tomorrow is September 11th. I hate tomorrow with a passion. Like many of you who were close to NYC/DC (and those that were far as well), it is an event that elicits goose bumps at the mere thought. This is all I care to say on this matter, but I will never forget. Tomorrow I will count my blessings and simply remember. I hope you all do the same.

RL picture of me at Liberty State Park in the 8th grade.

4. JHiggs has the most exciting announcement ever to make. Jamie, take it away:

"First of all, I want to thank all of you for all the comments on all the paintings I’ve done this summer. It was really fun to work with CC each week to create the next painting; tweeting, texting, emailing pictures and reading endless KStew articles to find the perfect quotes. A friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago, “You probably know the exact dimensions of her face by now, don’t you?!” Funny, but probably true. At least it’s a pretty face! I’m not going to lie, it was a lot of work, but seeing your reactions and excitement with each new painting made it completely worth it. Congratulations to all of you who’ve won an original JHiggs. I think it’s safe to say you’re the envy of quite a few people. Well, that’s all about to change! As of today, I officially have an Etsy shop (<- click me!) up and running! From here on out, you’ll be able to purchase original paintings of all the ones you’ve seen this summer and you’ll also be able to make requests for new paintings. In addition, as a cheaper option, I’m also making prints of the paintings available. Basically, digital replicas of the paintings printed on premium photo paper. Hopefully in the future I’ll have other KSIBTU items available as well. I know a lot of you are pining for t-shirts and I hope to have that as an option very soon so keep an eye out for that! Thanks again for all the support. It’s been fun and I can wait to create more KSIBTU paintings in the future. Much love."

Just some of what she has done...

Jamie has been fronting the money for all of the canvases, paints, paint brushes, and shipping for the last 6 weeks. I know a lot of you have contacted me in regards to obtaining a JHiggs Original for yourself. Well, now it’s all yours. She will legit make anything you want in the form of a painting or HQ print. I CAN’T WAIT TO SPEND ALL OF MY MONEY AT YOUR ETSY SHOP, JAMIE! [Note: I have absolutely nothing to do with this shop. If you have any questions, please contact Jamie. She's super nice and will not bite. And she has red hair.]

5. This will be the last real blog post ever at here at KSIBTU.

This kind of looks like me as a baby.

No, this is not a joke. Yes, I am serious.

I have absolutely loved coming here week after week, month after month saying the most ridiculous things, only to have you all reciprocate with your brilliant humor and stories. But you know what?

BLOGGER IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE, sincerely.

You have no idea how accurate this picture is.

When blogger doesn’t feel like cooperating, it doesn’t. It doesn't give a shit if you have promised a post. It is so inconsiderate. It is never held accountable for the fact that it sucks asshole 99% of the time. It is so unbelievably inconvenient for me and it’s an unnecessary hassle.

So what, you just quit?

FUCK NO! KSIBTU is moving, bitches! We are going to drop blogger like a hot potato and find a new home [actually, the home has been found]. It is going to be grand.

Why are you telling us this now?

This is a one-man show. I am the only one who writes, and it takes me forever to come up with my ridiculousness. My attention, for now, needs to be on developing our new home. My beloved Buff and I are taking a huge step in reforming this silly little blog so that it works with me and not against me. It’s pretty much going to be as popular as google. DUH. Buff is going to have her work cut out for her. She also has two of the most beautiful little Bufflettes ever made and a pretty handsome (hot) husband. We need time to do this.

Clearly I made this. Buff has been busy lately.

So you’re like leaving forevsies?

Hell to the no. We will be gone for two weeks most likely.

Two weeks without KSIBTU!? That sounds ~~like a vacation~~ horrible!

If something happens, you bet your ass I will blog about it, otherwise, we are focusing on the next step.

What exactly is the next step?

Get excited. When we return, not only will our address be different, but we will be prettier and easier to work. We will also be mobile friendly. In addition to that, I have a new campaign to launch that my crazy brain came up with after consuming 14 shots of vodka with Buff. We will also have the best giveaway I have ever had to date.

When the new home for us is ready I will post its new location here. I’ll also tweet about it and annoy the shit out of you guys to change your bookmarks. YOU WILL KNOW WHEN WE ARE READY.

The announcement will be something along the lines of this...

6. To my beloved Jewish readers: Happy New Year! I hope you have the most wonderful ending to Rosh Hashanah. L'shanah tova!

7. I got the craziest amounts of tweets/emails/comments last Friday in regards to my story and Katy Perry’s song Teenage Dream. Many of you said that when you now hear the song, all you can think about is my pervy brother... and Twilight condoms. Allow me to ruin something else for you mkay?

Months back, when I was dabbling in new fanfics (I was new to that world), I put my computer down to think for a moment about a common theme amongst stories.

“Read something you didn’t like?” P asked.

“No.” I answered. He had no idea the smut that was on my screen every night.

“What gives?” He sat up looking at me.

“It’s just… I’m reading a lot of… stories. In these… stories… the girl is always a virgin—in every aspect of the word. And Edwar... er the guy is always experienced. No, he's a freaking expert. I just think it’s so crazy. He’s 17 and he’s doing a fucking standing wheelbarrow (<- you must be 18 or older to click because I say so) with the girl. What the hell can he know about sex and a girl's body!?”

“We just know.” He said in a cocky yet joking manner.

“Right.” I said laying back down ready to open up my computer again.

“Can I tell you a funny story?” He said all giddy.

“Have at it.”

“Want to know how I learned?”

“Learned what?” I asked.

“Leaned.” He answered as his eyes widened.

What am I fucking Yoda? “LEARNED.WHAT.” I repeated.

“When a girl's body was ready to... ya know... go....”

Insert CC facepalm here.

“You watched porn?”

“Nah. That doesn't really tell you anything, and half the time I had to watch it on mute.”

“Okay, P, how?”

[a/n: P went to parochial school in the town I lived in.]

“One day, when we were sitting in health in middle school, Father Frank left class and came back with a bowl in his hand.”

“Oh Jesus.” How appropriate, CC.

“So he is walking around and making every boy stick their fingers in a bowl. ‘This is how you know a girl is ready,’ he told us.”

“What was in it?” I asked.

He started laughing hysterically, “Egg whites.”

Are you picturing the consistency? YOU SHOULD BE.

And there ya have it. EAT UP YOU HEALTH CONSCIOUS LADIES!

So long as I live, I will never EVER EVER EVER eat an egg white omelet. EVER. Not that I would anyways because egg whites are fucking gross, but still. Now any time a baking recipe calls for just egg whites, I have to fight down my gag reflex. Egg whites will now and forever equal vaginal discharge.

9. In a farewell celebration to this hellhole known as blogger, and in celebration of Jamie’s step into providing you all with KStew paintings/printings on Etsy, we are giving away ONE final painting.

Wait, you said last week was the last one!?

Nah. We want to go out of this place with a bang.

We are back with the most popular one as the finale. There are only two other copies in the world. I own one and so does @theurbanwhisk. It’s fantastic:

before

After.

The winner will be chosen at random by random.org, and will be announced on Monday in a post that is literally entitled 'winner'. To enter please answer the following questions and leave an email address and/or twitter name:

What was the EXACT moment that you realized KStew was better than you? Do you like eggs (as a meal, not as an ingredient)? Do you have a gross story you would like to share?

My answer?

I realized KStew was better than me after I saw Twilight, when I saw this magazine sitting on my bed:

this was like porn to me. I could NOT stop staring.

I obsessed over the pictures. Stared at it for far too long. As for eggs? I am fickle with eggs. Half of the time I like them and half of the time I don’t. You know what eggs I don’t like? Vaginal discharge egg whites. And that, my friends, is my gross story.

She clearly approves of my answer and is amused by the egg white story.

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND. CHECK OUT JAMIE’S ETSY SHOP. ENTER THE GIVEAWAY. I HOPE YOU WIN! HAVE A GREAT NEXT WEEK OR TWO WITHOUT ME. I WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH. I HOPE TO SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE!

Putting the Em in Oh Em Gee

2010-09-08T14:37:00.000-04:00

Oh hey ladies! Remember that time that I said I would post on Tuesday, but I really posted on Wednesday? At this point it shouldn’t surprise you that I’m always late. Truth be told, E was moving into a new apartment and I needed to help her. I knew about this long before last Friday, but I thought I could write this up in time. False. Labor Day weekend took its toll on me and I am literally a walking zombie. All I want to do is get into bed and never get out. Many of you are with me on that one, no?

#catquota. Thank you, Andie!

Let’s begin with the giveaway! Drumrollllllll......

uhhh WTF!? I DEMAND A RECOUNT RANDOM.ORG!

This week's winner is Amy aka @Evalola80 aka my British bff. I almost didn't believe my computer when I looked at the number random.org generated in comparison to the commenter with that number. Amy consistently tells me these contests are rigged because she never wins. I almost don't want to let Amy have it because I can't believe she will finally stop pestering me. GUESS WHAT YOU CRAZY BITCH OF A BRIT? YOU WON! You've got some US mail coming your way.

Okay so let us pick up where we last left off at Razzmatazz. KStew was showing her mad dancing skills (behind the scenes), and then we cut to a very serious scene under the bridge in which she tells Brennan, “There’s a lot if shit in my life.”

she looks so pretty here, no?

I love that line. While it isn’t necessarily that many words, it speaks volumes. She is very vulnerable in that moment, suggesting to Brennan that they take it slow.

How does Brennan internalize that notion? He goes on a date with Lisa P! Listen, I’d go on a date with Lisa P, but not over Em. That being said, he always has those damn boners and Connell did say that boys have needs.

Interesting coming from Mr. Infidelity himself.

Then Joel goes over to Sue and offers up a book. He looked so nervous and it was so cute. She was a bitch and told him that his religion was the reason they could no longer see one another. Joel relays this to Em. Em decides to take it into her own hands, but only after Joel shouts after her, “Worse things have happened to the Jews!”

I still laugh when I hear that. Do you guys know that I was meant to be an 80-year-old Jewish woman? It’s true. If not that then Asian, but seriously I mean this. Have I told you that E is Jewish? I have grown up immersed in the splendors of the Jewish culture ranging from breaking fast on Yom Kippur, to Sisterhood Shabbats on Friday nights at temple with a cantor who sings Simon and Garfunkel. Knowing the encounters E has experienced in her own life with anti-Semitism, Sue’s explanation made my blood boil. I find nothing more offensive than ignorance and intolerance. The idea that someone is better than someone else for their religion, culture—or ANYTHING for that matter—makes me crazy. [Unless it’s KStew. KStew really is better than you, me, and anything and everything we see.]

Of course it made Em crazy. She marched straight up to that firecrotch and said,

“You know, you don’t deserve to date Joel! I mean, you’re an anti-Semitic asshole! What, do you, like, hate gay people, too? Do you support apartheid? You are not my friend.”

look at how long her hair is!

I may have even verbalized a “woot!woot!” the first time I saw this movie in theaters. I find nothing more satisfying then people standing up for their friends. If a friend of yours is wronged, it is your duty to stand up for them. Everyone needs somebody to have their back, and moreover, everyone deserves somebody to have their back.

PLUS TEN FOR EM!

Brennan and Lisa P go out on a date, and let’s just say that a girl with that IQ should have a lower voice—if you know what I mean. Brennan begins to talk about Dickens and then she comes out of nowhere with her boat question.

Obviously, we would choose a yacht.

I googled 'stupid people' and found this. THIS SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

But when she asked him that question and he looked at her, realizing she was ahem special, I was almost positive he was going to ask her if her parents were siblings.

Upon his return home, Brennan finds a note from his mother saying that Em called.

And Asshole of the Year Award goes to...?

Here’s the thing. I don’t resent Brennan for going out with Lisa P. Hell, I don’t even hold it against him. I do resent Em. That being said, the note made me feel even worse for her. She is such a good person deep down inside. She literally just has a lot of shit in her life.

To make it up to her, Brennan gives Em all of that pot. YIPES. Not many people would do that.

Em made pot cookies, which she, Brennan and Joel consume. Then they went to play on the bumper cars. This looks like a barrel of laughs. Perhaps it’s just me, but I never had that much energy to run around a theme park or operate heavy machinery post-inhalation. I must’ve been doing it wrong.

Fast forward through a fight over glued on hats and we are at the part where Em pulls Brennan away and tells him how she really feels.

“I don’t want to lose you…”

he is, in fact, sniffing her forehead.

Cue collective sigh.

Joel quit. Joel is pissed that Brennan took Em for granted and touched Lisa P’s tit. Bravo to Joel for standing up for what HE believes in. The poor guy deserves a girl like Em.

“You don’t even appreciate what you have. You’re chasing after Lisa P. when you have this incredible, beautiful girl right fucking there.”

Preach it, Joel.

Then? Well then everything goes to hell in a hand basket at an astounding pace.

Brennan confesses to Em, who pretty much tells him to go fuck himself. Realizing that Brennan at least had the decency to be honest with her, Em goes to Connell’s house to tell him what is going on. Connell is concerned that his wife is going to see Em there.

This movie has three of my favorite Kristen acting moments ever. I lump them into one BIG favorite moment because they are pieces of a whole.

Favorite KStew Moment Ever Part 1:

K? Your nose is looking a little red. Next time use a tissue with ALOE in it.

“I’m starting to really fucking hate myself.”

Finally. The things that she was so desperately running away from are finally rearing their ugly heads and she is coming to terms with the fact that she fucked up big time. Big time. It is kind of hard to watch her say that because it’s sad. It’s sad to watch someone who has held up a facade for so long lose it all. And she does. Piece by piece.

Frigo finds Rich and brings him to Brennan. Rich tells Brennan how Em and Connell were doing “naked push-ups” in his car.

Yipes.

Poor Brennan. Poor, poor Brennan. Thanks to Lisa P., Brennan knows where Connell takes the women he likes to do naked push-ups with. Frigo follows along.

As they wait outside, Em is inside breaking it off with Connell.

"Aren't you hungry... for me?"

"I would legit rather eat off the tips of my fingers... like this!"

Frigo, the funny friend, has no idea what to do. He resorts to humor. That’s what I would do because I am very socially awkward in serious situations. It also allowed a little bit of comedic relief in a moment where I wanted to scream.

SERIOUSLY!? HE HAD TO FIND OUT TONIGHT? SHE HAD TO TALK TO CONNELL TONIGHT? SERIOUSLY, UNIVERSE?!

“I stole some of my grandma’s cough medicine if you want some.”

“No.”

“It’s grape.”

"No."

“I got a hockey stick in the back, if you want to smash the windows.”

Everyone needs a Frigo.

But the funny vanishes instantly as a visibly distraught Em comes walking outside to find a livid and confused James walking towards her.

This is hands down my favorite KStew acting moment of all time. Please watch:

She looks gut-wrenchingly distraught and she doesn’t even know how to begin to comprehend that Brennan is standing in front of her. Her dirty little secret was found out, but it’s not only that. It had to be unbelievably hard for her to break it off with Connell. And then she sees the guy she is doing it all for standing outside the house.

She stammers. She stutters. She looks around. She cries. She hates herself—truly—she hates herself. She doesn’t know how to cope with what the hell is happening in front of her and I can feel the pain within her every gosh darn time I watch that scene.

And Brennan. Oh Jesse does the most amazing job in this scene. He is gentle at first but he goes after her and she deserves it. He was honest. She wasn’t. And Connell? Brennan had to feel like such an asshole having confided in Connell ABOUT Em all those times.

It is just such a terrible situation to be in, and I think they both convey their own amount of hurt brilliantly.

It is my favorite. It just is.

“You’re not a fucking idiot, I’m a fucking idiot.”

I mean seriously, folks.

Hurts so good.

Lisa P. cannot keep a secret and tells everyone about Em and Connell. Em quits. The humiliation of sleeping with a married man must be insurmountable. The thing that chapped my ass was how Lisa blamed Em and not Connell. I am not saying that Em is not to blame, but Connell was wearing that ring, not Em. Connell had a commitment to his wife, not Em. Connell took those vows, not Em. I HATE when women hate other women and let the men off scott free. HELLO WOMEN HATERS? ARE YOU LISTENING? HE’S THE ONE WHO STUCK HIS P IN HER V! HE CAN BE BLAMED AS WELL!

Em is in a bad place and the last thing she needs is her stepmonster spewing her superficial bullshit to guests who are trying to kiss her ass. Unfortunately, that’s the way the ball bounced. Em walks into her house and pours herself a drink.

I like it.

The stepmonster comes after Em and tells her that she doesn’t like her coming home. Well, that’s her house. That’s the house that her mother and father raised her in, you bald-headed bimbo.

Em pulled her wig in an act of ultimate frustration and anger.

Watch her bite her lip as she does it.

Then look at the way she looks at her father after... like thanks for nothing.

But you know what? I didn’t woot woot. No girl deserves to be told that. No girl deserves that treatment, and her father is such a pussy for not standing up to his witch of a wife. I have lived this very moment so many times, and there is no feeling in the world worse than your parent failing you—the person they brought into this world.

“Emily! Emily, this has to stop. You cannot say those things any more.”

“I can’t say what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling every fucking day?”

She finally broke. She had to. She had to break. She heard her stepmonster talking shit about her every fucking night. She worked at the world’s shittiest job JUST to get out of the house. It was only a matter of time until she snapped, and I was so glad that she told her stupid ass father off.

What hurt even more?

He never followed her outside.

He looks like an old Ben Stiller here.

Those three moments (in the car, outside of Connell’s house, and the stepmontster/dad face off) make my favorite KStew acting moment of all time. Perhaps it’s because I can relate to some of that, but truthfully I think it is because Kristen portrayed it in such an honest and hysterical way that I had no choice but to sit in awe.

In the mean time, James gets wasted and crashes the family car into Frigo’s mother’s bushes. It was his dad’s alcohol. His mother chastises him for having the liquor, and the father never ones fesses up to the fact that it is his. James doesn’t rat him out. Why do we, as children, protect our parents so much? It’s such a bazaar thing, and yet we have all done it.

All of James’ money is now going to that freshly ruined car. He lost his 11-day-old girlfriend. He lost his chance to go to Europe. He lost mooching off of his parents for Columbia. He lost his dignity joining Adventurland. He lost his almost girlfriend, Em. The ONLY thing he had going for him was Columbia. He had now lost that as well.

Worst.summer.EVER.

I googled 'worst summer ever'. Look what is on the second row, second in from the left!?

I’d fetal position it—or just lay down on the tracks of a roller coaster instead.

Every character has effectively been knocked down to the ultimate degree.

So now what?

Now you punch Frigo in the balls:

finally!

You get on a bus:

"So many colorsssss"

And you wait your ass in the rain:

how did he get her address...

To see this girl:

If only I looked half as good as that in the rain. A girl can dream...

As I watched this time, I couldn’t help but notice that Em had a level of maturity about her that she lacked greatly whilst living in Pittsburgh. She carried herself differently. She looked better. New York works well with her.

“This summer was rough. I did things that I really, really regret. I am so sorry for fucking this up. You know, you were the only good thing that happened this summer.”

And in the end that is the truth.

“Yes, I see the person who fucked u, but I also see the person who saved me from being knifed over a giant-ass panda, who introduced me to psychotropic-chocolate-chip cookies, and who stood up for Joel, and who doesn’t make apologies for herself. Look, my theory is, you can’t just avoid everybody you screw up with.”

Sometimes you lose sight as to whether he is talking about KStew or he is talking about Em, and that is why I love this movie.

They head inside and he takes off his wet clothes.

"Games? Games? Games?"

"No more playing games, baby girl. Intercourse."

“Hey Em? I really missed you.”

STOP IT. I melted. I can’t stand when boys say cute things. I immediately liquidate.

Instead of getting dressed, Em realizes that she has the real thing standing right in front of her, and she does what any sensible girl would do in that situation.

Have intercourse.

I love the ending of this movie. I love that there aren’t many words exchanged but yet there is an understanding. I like that everything had to get really bad because in reality that’s what happens in life. Things get fucked up—and we all have a lot of shit in our lives—but it gets better if you let it—and if you OWN your actions.

Em owns it. James owns it.

Kristen owns it.

It’s my favorite Kristen movie of all time. It has my favorite KStew acting moment of all time.

bow chika bow ow.

Also, Jesse? Nice gunZ!

Because she owned Em Lewis in Adventureland, KStew is better than you.

[A/N: Sorry for the delay. I suck. It’s cool, I know it. Thoughts? Parts I left out? Favorite parts yourself? As always, let me know what you think and we shall discuss. Be sure to drop by Friday. I have a couple of announcements to make... See you Friday!]

Twilight Condoms are Here to Stay & The Last Giveaway!

2010-09-03T14:14:00.004-04:00

Happy Friday ladies! I am in a very chipper mood because Labor Day weekend has arrived! For those readers who do not know what Labor Day is, it's the first Monday in September where everyone (but not really) get's a day off of work. In reality, it is our final shebang of the summer before all of the leaves begin to change and the unbearable humidity gives way to the cool breezes of fall and the powdery snow of winter. I love fall. I love winter. GOODBYE SUMMER!

Today is the last JHiggs Original giveaway of the summer. That makes me want to shed a tear. Jamie and I have had great fun these last 5 or so weeks sharing her gift with all of you. Because Jamie has been so generous, I need to show her my appreciation for all that she has done for myself, you guys and KSIBTU—and yes, it will be in the form of one of my EPIC poems.

My beloved JHiggs,

You emailed me for the first time on March 3^rd with a picture of your epic birthday cake,

My birthday was the next day, March 4^th, and all my shitty friends gave me was steak.

your friends are better than mine.

You soon grew to be my best friend,

But less than one month later that almost all came to an end.

On April 3^rd you were t-boned by a lady at a traffic light and literally almost died,

Once I read your email I broke down and cried.

How you lived that day is nothing short of a miracle and a blessing,

And I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that the details and pictures of the accident had me stressing.

she was the driver. the seat was through the engine and

was squished in half.

I am so very glad that you and your friends were okay,

Because if you weren’t you wouldn’t be able to produce me a painting a day.

You are such a huge part of KSIBTU,

I’m thinking that when we unite in November we should both get tattoos.

I’m just kidding, I don’t really think that.

Yes I do, and it should be pink and black.

So now I shall end this poem because it’s getting too long,

Also, do you want a KSIBTU thong?

..........

I absolutely adore you, JHiggs, and I thank you will never be enough,

And I know my demands can sometimes be tough.

But you sit and you paint and you make everything pretty,

In return I’d like to buy you a kitty.

I’m allergic to cats so that is actually a NO,

Instead I’ll continue to love you and write your name in the sand everywhere I go.

Hawaii, Oregon, California, Washington...

Thank you, JHiggs, for all that you did this summer and continue to do,

KSIBTU would be nothing without you.

this felt right bc of Labor Day.

Sincerely, Jamie, thank you. We all appreciate the time, money and effort you have put into these paintings. I love you more than avocado with turkey and bacon.

Not a lot has been going on in the world of KStew. She was seen in Argentina like this:

I think I UNF for KStew the hardest when she is in the snow.

And she was very gracious in signing autographs for her fans. She also had to face this at the airport:

Nice guy. Serio.

#SamRileyFTW, no? What a man. Lucky wife he’s got there.

While Kristen was flying to NOLA, Rob was doing this:

via @RPLife

What does this have to do with anything?

NOTHING. But how much do you love TomStu getting a piggyback ride from MFH?

Also, this is important because it shows that Rob has a beard.

This was a sad day for me because I love #WFERob.

humina humina humina. What's that? Oh my ovaries bursting? Mkay.

But we all know that #GQRob is my ultimate.

There.Is.No.Better.

It’s such a shame to hide the #JawPorn with a full beard.

Okay, enough RobPorn for the day. Here's a little KStew porn:

Have you seen the most recent Nylon outtakes? DO YOU KNOW THAT IT IS MY FAVORITE SHOOT OF ALL TIME?! I need time...

Now let me show you something horrifying:

#hideyourkids #KILLyourwife?

Now let me show you something smoking hot:

It was a pun. Do you get it? Oh, and UNF.

Let’s move on.

Now it’s time to tell a story. I had a whole different story ready for today until this happened last night.

Last night, while I was out to dinner with some friends, my brother called me and asked if I could pick him up from soccer practice.

“Sure.” I answered, “Now?”

“Like 20 minutes.” He said.

I ate quickly and left my friends before heading over to the school. It was around 9pm, and I was a bit early so I parked my car and blasted some music. Then I stopped and realized something was different. There were lights on the turf! My high school football field never had lights. The annoying people who lived around the school thought that they would be annoying and too bright. They were finally paid off by the town. Bribery is alive and works.

how come I never get bribed!?

I decided I would get out of the car and check it out. There were some kids kicking around soccer balls and just running around. It was quite nostalgic for me; I’m not going to lie. So I walk around the track for a bit and decide to walk back to my car. I opted to walk behind the bleachers. It’s not as sketchy as it sounds in books and movies. Our field is directly behind our high school. Walking behind the bleachers is necessary to leave.

I am texting on my phone when I hear something. I turn and see some kids getting a little friskAy under the bleachers and I laughed. Then I tripped on a rock and wiped out, and I mean I bit it HARD. My shit goes everywhere and my cell phone flew away. Then it landed. Then I looked at the two people making out and groping one another. Then I realized one of them was my brother.

Then I died a thousand deaths.

THIS! SFM!

I tried so hard to just curl up into a ball and retreat into myself, hoping that if I wished hard enough that I wasn’t in this situation, maybe I wouldn’t be. No such luck. Why? Because the universe hates me.

I looked down at my knees and they were bleeding. My palms were scraped up and burning. I hate that feeling. You know that feeling? I wanted to cry.

I got up slowly and wiped off my hands and knees before lifting my head. My brother looked horrified and his lady friend, A, looked even MORE horrified.

#catquota

Say something! I wanted to scream at him.

It then hit me that they were waiting for ME to speak. Apparently I was the one who was supposed to be saying something because apparently I’m the adult. I looked at my traitorous phone and realized it was halfway between me and the horny teens. I had no choice but to face them--no choice. I walked over and grabbed my phone before looking up to J and asking, “Are you uh…. ready to go?”

He nodded, refusing eye contact with me.

“You need a ride?” I asked her.

“Uh… I mean… sure…” She said in the smallest voice ever.

“Right, okay, let’s go.” I said walking away.

I pulled out my phone ready to send out an SOS as to how to handle the situation, but I couldn’t move.

Once we were in the car I decided the only way to diffuse this situation was to sing.

enough said

No, I’m serious. We all know I can’t sing if my life depended on it, but I thought that perhaps if I made a fool out of myself, they wouldn’t feel so badly that I caught them doing whatever it was they were doing. Also, A looked like she wanted to die, like so embarrassed, which I can understand. I had to make it better in the only way I knew how: humor.

So I roll down the windows, turn on my iPod and Teenage Dream is blaring.

Perfect.

I owned that shit. Are you listening? I OWNED that shit.

And in the middle of my free concert, I look in the rearview mirror and see J eyefucking A at the perfect time of, “let’s go all the way tonight no regrets…” and I am thinking DO YOU HAVE BALLS ON YOUR CHIN KID!?

Then? Then she is doing some coy eye shit [mind you, I’m about to crash the car] and he REACHES OVER AND TUCKS A STRAND OF HAIR BEHIND HER EAR.

this makes me laugh so hard

What.did.you.just.do. Where.did.you.get.that.move.

Who the fuck is this kid!?

If I ever saw that situation play out anywhere else I would say that kid was trying to make sexytime with that girl. The problem was, he’s 15 and he’s my baby brother!

I grabbed the rearview mirror and positioned it at him so that he knew I was watching. I do NOT want to see this shit!

Then my phone rang. My car picks up a cell phone through Bluetooth and puts it through the speakers. This conversation was for all to hear, and it was Mae—and she’s not PG. Ever.

“Hey.” I answered.

“Hey!” She said happily.

“Listen, now is not a good time.” My brother and his make out buddy are in the back seat being weird.

“No big deal, I just had to tell you something. I was in Walgreens looking for some nailpolish, like silver-ish, and I picked one up called Twilight! Isn’t that funny!”

“Yeah, sure, I really have to go though…”

“No, no. I'm not done. That’s not the only thing I saw Twilight related. You know what I just found?” She said laughing.

“What?” I asked.

“Twilight condoms. Condoms! They are black and they have Twilight written over them.”

Perfect timing.

“Awesome. Okay well I need to go—“

“You want me to get you some? I know you’re not the biggest fan of them because you’re on birth control [now you readers know!], but you know you want Edward Cullen. A little fantasy? A little role play? What do you say?”

times a billion.

“Right. No. Okay. Gotta run!” I said hitting end and wanting to vanish.

This ride had just became exponentially more awkward for everyone involved.

“So… A… excited for school to start?” I asked trying to break the silence.

“I guess. I’m kind of over summer. I know that sounds weird, but it’s boring by the end.”

I dropped her off and said goodbye.

The ride home with my brother was deafeningly silent. DEAFENING.

I pulled into the driveway and J went to get out of the car.

“I’m not having sex with her.” He said in a matter of fact way, “We were just…” he paused, “it was just a kiss, okay?”

“You’re not a baby any more, and we’ve always been honest with one another. What you do is your business and I am not here to preach to you.” I said trying to scramble together something responsible to say. I failed. I basically told him to fuck like bunnies because he’s not a baby. YES HE IS. HE’S A BABY.

“Mhm.” He said getting out of the car.

“Wait, J, listen.” I said trying to redeem myself, “no matter what you do… always put a circus tent on it…”

We see the correlation, yes?

Then I said the DUMBEST thing EVER:

“And in the words of Edward Cullen, be safe.”

BE SAFE? SERIO CC? BE SAFE? NOW? NOW IS WHEN YOU QUOTE THAT SHITEOUS BOOK?!

He froze closing the door and peaked his head in the window.

“Any chance we had at a touching moment just there, you just shattered it. Now all I’ll think of is Edward Cullen.” And he shut the door.

See, I always thought it was ironic that Twilight had condoms because they are preaching abstinence. But now I understand.

I wish that this was fake. So badly.

The moment any male sees a condom that has Twilight written on it one of two things happen:

They become pissed and don’t want to have sex because they realize that there is a 95% chance the woman they are about to do it with is probably thinking about Robert Pattinson
They get soft because the movie sucks.

EITHER WAY THE SEX NEVER HAPPENS. See? Even the condoms make you abstain.

Well played, ~~Stephenie Meyer~~ Twilight, well played.

Post-revelation I bought every Twilight condom within a 20 mile radius. I plan on giving them all to J the next time I see him.

Now for this is this week’s giveaway. It’s the last, and it’s the best, and there is nothing else to say. Without further adieu I give to you:

The finale

I could perish. Jamie? Are you listening? You have outdone yourself.

To enter, please leave an email address and/or twitter name and answer the following question:

What are you doing this [holiday] weekend? What is your favorite KStew acting moment OF ALL TIME?

My answer: Today I am heading into the city to spend the night with my cousin schmoozing, eating and drinking. Saturday night is my grandmother’s church’s gigantic Italian festival. I will be gorging myself to death. Sunday I will be attending a pig roast and wishing I was actually in Hawaii. Monday is a BBQ at my aunt’s house. And my favorite KStew moment of all time? Well that will come with Adventureland p.2 ;)

Have a a lovely weekend! For those American readers: Have a WONDERFUL Labor Day weekend! Eat, drink, BBQ, and be merry. Oh and drink again, and then have another one for me!

[A/N: Due to the long holiday weekend, Adventureland p.2 will be up on Tuesday. Have a great weekend ladies!]

PS- Today is Garrett Hedlund’s birthday. I want to do terrible, terrible things to that beautiful boy.

Dear Garrett, Happy birthday! God was showing off when he made you. CALL ME!

Lisa P, Marry Me? Adventureland Part 1

2010-08-30T13:37:00.017-04:00

Today is the beginning of the end for a lot of things over here at KSIBTU. Adventureland is the last Movie Monday movie we will ever be discussing (even though it’s 2 parts). This is the second to last Jhiggs Original giveaway winner announcement I will ever be making… and there’s another ending come up soon as well… but some things still have to be sorted out in regards to that—so wait until next Friday for that fond farewell.

Sometimes trying to decipher my messages is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube.

Also, #CatQuota

JHiggs is a gift from the KStew gods. She has graced us week after week with unbelievable paintings that legitimately make me weep—and then I want to steal them. I loved this week’s giveaway. You know who is going to love it now?

Congratulations Samantha_ava! You have been around here for a while as well, and I love when people I recognize win. Truth be told, while I cannot respond to all of you, I know who my commenters are. I appreciate you guys. I look for your opinions and I love when you bring the funny. I’m getting sentimental, but it’s true.

This Friday’s giveaway is the last. It happens to be the most epic JHiggs Original painting that has ever happened. It had to be big. Go big or go home, and unfortunately, Movie Mondays are going home. BE.HERE.FRIDAY or you will hate yourself, I promise.

Enough of that. It is now time to discuss part 1 of my favorite Kristen Stewart movie of all time: Adventureland.

WTF WHERE IS KSTEW??

I think that Greg Mottola is wonderful. Superbad is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a really long time… until The Hangover. I like sick humor. I like dirty fucked up things. I like the reality of the situations that Greg comes up with. The thing that separates Adventureland from Superbad is that it’s sweet and it’s brutally honest. Truth be told, at times it’s downright devastating, and not in the sense of hurt—but in the sense that these kids are just that: kids. They eventually have to send everything to hell in a hand basket, but that just goes with being that age. We always do stupid shit. We make mistakes. We drink too much. We smoke too much. And when things get good we inevitably have to fuck it up. That, my friends, is one of life’s pleasures. Falling down.

The movie begins with James Brennan, played by my geek-out Freebie 5er Jessie Eisenberg, getting dumped by his 11-day-old girlfriend. It’s a pity. It’s a glimpse into the fact that he is a sucker. He’s the nice guy. Nice guys ALWAYS get screwed, and not in the way they deserve, if you know what I’m sayin’.

do yah know what I'm sayin!?

I adore the dialogue in this movie. It’s flawless, in my opinion, and the banter is perfectly scripted. It’s also not mindless words; they have a bit of wit and intelligence to them and I truthfully appreciate that more than anything.

Look, I don't lie to people who I care about.

Yes, but you could've just left it out of the narrative. You know?

You don't want "virgin" to be your signifier.

He takes one semiotics class, and I'm supposed to...

I’m certain I learned what semiotics were in an anthropology class in college, but all I know is it has to do with communication. Today you did NOT learn something new at KSIBTU. I’ll try to remedy that by the end of this post.

The point being- JAMES HAS HIS V-CARD AT 22! For a girl that’s not such a big deal. I knew ~~plenty~~ some 22-year-old virginal girls. Boys? I would’ve been hard pressed to find one. But James seriously thinks with his heart and not his dick. That is why it is a semi-autobiographical film. That portion of his character must’ve been based on fiction. 22-year-old virginal boys are like unicorns.

wait a sec.... THEY ARE REAL?!

There are several things that I adore about this film, one of which is the idea that they are all above this. James is going to Columbia. Columbia is an Ivy. It’s incredible. The only mistake Columbia ever made was allowing P to go there. And perhaps my father, so two mistakes. Anyhow, he is better than a job at Adventureland!

I majored in Comparative Literature and Renaissance Studies.

I wrote for The Gordian Knot, it was a literary journal in college. And in math, I got 770 on the SAT.

We ALL have this moment, and some of us live this moment every freaking day. You wonder how you went from what you majored in in college to how the hell you ended up working where you do. As brilliant as James is, his life is shit. He knows it. Hell, they all know it.

Next we meet Frigo. He punches James in the balls. Story time:

When P and I were 15 we were in a movie store called Easy Video. They had a back room where they kept all of the adult movies. It was OFF limits to the kiddies. They had red saloon doors that led into it. One day, whilst walking by, P pushed me through them. I nearly fucking died. Mortified. I come stomping out and he’s all ‘get over it.’ I don’t get over it—I get even. We were standing looking at a wall of movies. I raise my arm and slam it down, thinking I was going to hit his thigh. Unfortunately he was simultaneously turning and I nailed him RIGHT in the netherlands. I mean DEAD ON. I punched him so hard that it made a noise. I swear his wiener split in two.

But like my hand

He fell to the ground and writhed in pain, tears streaming down his face, for 4 minutes. People thought I fucked him up. It was an accident! But I have this nervous thing where I laugh when people get hurt. It’s horrific. Anyhow, I really hurt him. Every time I fake hitting him in the junk he reminds me that once upon a time, many moons ago, I almost took away his right to make babies. Then I remind him that you don’t fuck with me or I’ll take away your right to make babies.

Moving on.

We then meet Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig as the owners of that lovely theme park. They are the funniest people in the entire movie, no doubt. I understand that it is their job to be funny, but together they are cinematic brilliance. They feed off of one another’s humor and I cannot stop laughing when they are together.

Then we see Em.

Fuck. Kristen is so pretty. She pretty much has no make up on and she is beautiful.

Cut to the scene in the parking lot when they are all standing around trying to get a buzz. We’ve all been there. The pathetic amount of rum that Em offers James makes my heart hurt. You can’t get drunk off of a splash!

Joel's pipe is the best.

Anyhow, this scene has one of my favorite lines in the movie, one of the funniest if you ask me:

I think somebody was trying to write "Satan Lives" on that wall, but they spelled it "Satin Lives".

One of those textile-worshipping cults, no doubt.

Perfection. I know many of you love this line. This was the first funny movie that Kristen had done and I was pleasantly surprised at how natural it seemed for her. That was fucking hilarious. Girlfriend can deliver a funny line like it’s nobody’s business.

James then gets punched in the balls. I love it. It’s the ball puncher in me.

What the hell was that?

It’s just my life.

We’ve all had those moments where it’s nothing out of the ordinary when sucky things happen—it’s just another thing to add to the list. Hilarious.

So Em and James get in the car and drive together. The music is intoxicating to them because the sexual tension is palpable and yet Em looks so nervous. As soon as I think we’re going to get somewhere the movie fades to black. DAMN YOU EDITORS.

tee hee hee.

Cut to party. You know my feelings on parties. I feel like I never get to go to parties that are as bitching as they are in movies. This time I do not feel alone. I’ve been to these parties. I love these parties. So James compliments Em’s house and you seriously wonder with him why in the hell she is working minimum wage.

It gets me out of the house.

Why do you want to be out of the house Em?

Cut.To.Pool.

I take notes while I watch these movies.

Does anything on that page stand out to you?

Cut.To.This.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This scene is adorable, but damn. #RidonkadonkBadonkadonkFTW

Then Em starts talking and you find out her mother passed away. Maybe that’s why she’s so guarded. Maybe that’s why she’s running away. Maybe that is why she drinks a bit and smokes sometimes.

You see that unholy abomination on her head? It's a wig. She had, like, a nervous breakdown when her first husband divorced her. Lost all her hair. I would feel bad if she wasn't such a status-obsessed witch.

She hates her step-mom. That is one sentiment that I can empathize with more than I would like. I refuse to stay at my dad’s house for an entire day in fear that I will kill that crazy bitch. I understand why she is running away.

But THEN, just when I think that Em and James are going to be together for, like, evsies, she invites Connell over. WHAT?! I think he is hot, do not get me wrong. I have The Law of Hot People. You know my law!

The kiss is hot. He grabs her ass and hoists her up. Uhm yeah. She goes straight for the buckle. Yeah. But this makes me feel rage...

He is married. He is some sick asshole who is taking advantage of a girl who feels like she is worthless. He gets sexual gratification out of her desire to feel desired. She hates herself and that is plain to see. He should know better. She knows better, but she is too fucked up in the head to care. He should care. It makes me cringe the way he speaks to her.

So we have, like, 5 minutes?

No. There's not much point in wasting time, though.

FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUU CONNNEEEELLLLLLLLL!

Then Lisa P comes back. I love that kid running around screaming that. Lisa P is BACK. She is the hottest piece of a$$ straight out of the 80s. I love Lisa P.

Work it gurllll

I also love this:

But my dad got injured on the job, and he's laid off, so I got to help out.

Sorry to hear that. My mom has shingles.

Joel is hilarious. Word vomit to the max.

Cut to the bar and James feels so inclined to tell Em of his V-card holding. Second hand embarrassment. She talks about how she is not a virgin. He says the word intercourse a lot. I was glad Em said something because I don’t like that word. It sounds so… official, like we’re in health class again.

...what exactly is a virgin?

But then Connell shows up with his wife, and Em makes excuses.

No, I mean their marriage is sad. He didn't want it. Now he's trapped.

No, sweetie. You are fed a lie, and you know it’s bullshit deep down inside but it helps you sleep better at night.

Cut to the car again and Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground is playing. I adore this song. I adore this soundtrack, but I adore this song. It gave me hope that they were going to get a little friskAy. Great mood music.

LISTEN TO THIS

And they kiss.

It’s good too. GF tangles her hands in his hair. She likes to do that. It’s like a KStew trademark. Those lucky boys.

I also love this part:

I feel like I'm watching TWO firework shows.

So then they are making out on the couch and her dad and step-mom walk in. James has a boner. He always has a boner. He needs to burp the worm a little more. Serio. CONTROL THAT.

But the step-monster is a bitch. Kristen says the second funniest line in the entire movie:

She once violated our cat Gypsy with a ballpoint pen.

Step-monster goes crazy and Em runs outside.

This, to me, is the second most beautiful moment in the entire movie. She is upset. She is out of her mind over that bitch, and I understand why. There is not one picture of her mother in that house. She lost her young, too young, and her dad just didn’t care.

When my mom first started getting, like, really sick, my dad starts going to temple. He's never been serious about his faith. But he decided to buddy up to God, like he thought it was going to help save my mom. And that's where he met Francy. My mom loses her hair in chemo, and my dad starts fucking a bald woman.

And my heart aches. It’s raw, and it hurts, and she in the throes of a tragedy she has yet to process. She doesn't understand her feelings yet, and she is saying these words that she hasn't learned how to cope with, but she’s fucking beautiful when she says it—because honesty and tragedy always are. Beautiful.

Then THIS happens and I nearly toppled over.

When I get excited, my little china girl she says...

WHY!?

Because of THIS:

I have seen this movie too many times.

Perhaps you forgot that we yacht DakotaStew over here, but I never forget. This is beyond fate. This is like… creeeeeepy. This is me watching this movie too many times so that I can make that connection.

I love when things like that happen, you know?

Let’s enter Razzmatazz.

Now that is a place I want to go. With music like that. And Lisa P!

no but serio... I do...

I do the Lisa P dance. It’s true. I do it whenever I’m in a bar and there is music. I love to dance, did you know that? I’m a horrific dancer. But I love the Lisa P dance and I do it to any song.

Em and James dance. It’s kind of awkward, I’m not going to lie.

But who cares about what they are doing because truth be told, when thinking of Razzmatazz, the only thing that matters anymore is THIS:

I play this over and over and over and over.

This is where we shall stop part 1.

Hate this scene. Love this outfit.

Because that gif is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, KStew is better than you.

PS- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.... NOW you learned something new today.

[A/N: Favorite parts of the movie thus far? Favorite lines? Dislikes in the movie? Do you hate Ryan Renolds as well?Anything I missed that you love? I’ll try to answer you guys in the comments and we will discuss until Friday. When I tell you that you will kill yourself for missing Friday’s giveaway I mean it. BE HERE. I love ya more than I love Lisa P!]

I know your birthday was yesterday, but I didn’t post yesterday. I posted today.

Happy Birthday, KimmCarr.

I adore you more than words, and I can’t wait to serenade you with KOL in November.

An Adventure For Today & A Killer Giveaway

2010-08-27T14:05:00.005-04:00

Happy Friday ladies! Fancy seeing you here.

Did you know that IRL I hate cats? And that I'm also

deathly allergic to them?

First I would like to start off with some news. I had a relatively bad day yesterday. I won’t bore you with the details, but what I will say is as I sat with an ailing friend wanting to cry, I got word that my cousin’s wife was in labor. My cousins are like siblings to me so it was like my brother was finally having his baby that was due last week. At 11:26pm my (no, I’m not possessive at all) beautiful baby girl came into this world. This is a lesson that when life knocks you down, breaks your shin, shoots you in the heart and leaves you there for dead—it can totally redeem itself. #BabiesFTW! I love infants. They can’t talk, they are squishy, so fat, and have mounds of rolls I want to kiss. ALL THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE.

This week is the beginning of the end and it makes me very sad. That being said I’m also elated. Does that make sense? I NEVER MAKE SENSE. Why start now?

This week we will watch and discuss part 1 of my favorite Kristen movie of all time.

Adventureland.

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES

I’ve seen this movie about 4 bagillion times. That’s larger than a million and a billion. It’s larger than googol, which is 1.0 × 10¹⁰⁰for those who didn’t know. I’m certain that means I’ve been watching this movie for my entire lifetime, including that time spent ripening in utero (<-was that too much?). It also means that I will be watching it long after I am 6 feet under. That’s cool with me as well. If you’re gonna be dead, it’s not a bad way to spend eternity.

The point being—this movie is my KStewBible. This is the one. THE ONE. This movie, believe it or not, has my favorite Kristen Stewart acting moment of all time.

WHAT!? HAVE YOU LOST IT?!

Con't lose something you never had.

I lost it a LONG time ago, but I am for serious when I tell you that.

Why two parts?

Why the eff not!? This movie is everything that’s good about life. It’s everything that is relatable. It is perfectly developed characters that you can insert yourself into at any point and remember how utterly shitty it was to be that age. It’s the freaking eighties. It’s terrible fashion and embarrassing hair. It’s every picture we hide. It is purrrrrrfection.

Now it’s time for Friday Story Time.

Last week a friend of mine was in town with his new girlfriend. We shall call him K and his new shiny girlfriend J, even though her name starts with a K as well.

He was very nervous to introduce her to E and myself because we run a tight ship. My group of friends have been friends since diapers. K’s previous girlfriend turned out to be certifiable. Guess what? I called that shit four freaking years ago. In July, the ex went psycho on his ass and he dropped her like a ton of bricks.

#CatsQuota

Good riddance.

K and J met at school because they are both currently seeking their PhD in psychology. I showed up to E’s late [because I’m going to be late for my own funeral] and there she sat on the couch. She got up to say hello. She is tall. Not freakishly tall but definitely tall. Blond. Tan. Buxom.

Nice work, K!

We got to chatting. I often asked her questions that would seem as if I was just including her in conversation but I was really secretly prying for info. Preservation people; you’ve got to look out for your own kind.

Then we somehow get onto the topic of our Freebie 5, and I’ll be honest—I brought it up. E and I were discussing who would we geek out with. She said Michael Cera. I very rudely scoffed at her, and not because I don't like Michael Cera (I know all of Superbad by heart and I pray to the Arrested Development Movie Gods every night), but because I thought my choice was better.

“Who would you pick Princess Perfect CC the Greatest?” She asked.

“First of all, thank you for using my proper first name, and secondly Jesse Eisenberg.”

“Who?” K asked.

“Jesse Eisenberg.” I said, “You know… from Adventureland?”

K shook his head, “What movie?”

“You’ve seen that movie,” J interjected, “You know, the one about the theme park? Kristen Stewart is in it. She is fucking awesome.”

STOP.

is that big enough?

I flat lined. I pressed pause on my current real life and hit rewind.

“You’ve seen that movie. You know, the one about the theme park? Kristen Stewart is in it. She is fucking awesome.”

Wait a sec…. that didn’t come out of my mouth for once!

I was blinking too much—like TOO much. My head was shaking back and forth. I was in awe.

Did she secretly UNF for KStew?

My palms became sweaty. The hairs on the back of my neck were standing straight up. I needed to shove tissues beneath my underarms. I was having an existential KStew possible-real-life-friend-fan meltdown.

NONE of my every day friends UNF for KStew. In fact, many are the antithesis of that notion. They are idiots. But here was my chance. I didn’t know how to approach her. I didn’t know where she stood on the KStew Fan-O-Meter.

For example, when you see this, do your eyes go like this (o_O) ?

“You like Kristen Stewart?” I asked with a shaky voice.

This could make or break our relationship. If she said ‘no’ then I was going to have to murder her in front of her new boyfriend, my best friend, on E’s white couch in her fancy living room. If she said she’s ‘okay’ then I was going to have to pretend like all of my dreams weren’t just crushed. If she said ‘Yes! Totally!’ I was going to have to dive across the pretty coffee table and make out with my best friend’s girlfriend.

These were my only options.

“I think she’s awesome. She just…” she paused—I KNOW THAT PAUSE—THAT KSTEW-BAFFLES-ME-AND-RENDERS-ME-SPEECHLESS PAUSE, “She marches to her own beat. I appreciate that. And she doesn’t hate women, you know? She doesn’t disrespect my gender and she doesn’t talk badly about other girls. She makes me proud to be what I am,” she corrected herself, “who I am.”

Be.My.Girlfriend. P who?!

“Do you like her?” She offered up to me.

‘Like her? I flove her. I secretly write a blog about how I think she’s better than any other human being on the face of the earth. I have zip files containing thousands of pictures of her. I now lock my computer because my brother found my porn. My KStew porn. I have a stash of magazines that people can only touch if they are wearing white gloves and all of their hair is neatly tucked away in a hairnet. I also have every movie she’s ever been in. Do I like her? ….pause…. Do you enjoy breathing air? Answer me THAT.’

No but seriously.

“She crushes hard on KStew.I'm certain she would leave her boyfriend of a million years for her in a heartbeat.” E said before I could answer, “We went to see The Runaways, which by the way, did you see that?” She posed to J.

“The day it came out.” She chuckled.

NO.REALLY.I.LOVE.YOU.

“Anyhow, CC was practically vibrating she was so excited.” E said with a smirk.

Interesting terminology.

“Fuck you.” I smacked her, “You loved that movie.”

“I did.” She answered.

“Yeah. I think she’s all sorts of awesome.” I said a little too enthusiastically, “and she’s fucking beautiful.”

Uhmmmm yeah. I need a moment.

“Tell me about it.” J said.

That was a rhetorical question, but truth be told I was SO ready to tell her about it. As I went to, K cut us off and started talking about some psychological babble that I couldn’t understand because I, unlike E, am not enrolled in med school, and I am also not a PhD student in psychology.

I zoned out. I dreamed of running through meadows with J unf'ing for KStew as one.

“Hey!” K said snapping his fingers in front of my face, “I said we have to run. We have to drive back to Philly.”

“Oh!” I said standing up, “right.”

We stood up and walked to the front door where we exchanged pleasantries, well wishes, and hugged before watching them walk away.

“Sorry there wasn’t more time for you to talk about Twilight or something.” K said jokingly as he walked down the front stairs with J, “ ‘I love Jacob more’ ‘no I love Jacob more’.”

I will bible this when I tell you that she raised her hand from her side and smacked him upside the head, “Are you fucking serious?” she paused, “Team Jacob? Really K? Jacob can suck my left tit.”

We are getting married in Vermont in a week. I will love her forever.

CC + J forevsies

STAMP OF APPROVAL.

On that note, let’s give something away! These giveaways get better and better and better. This week’s picture is [very appropriately] from the Adventureland premiere.

This quote is from the Allure interview.

It is full of so much win, and it is the second to last JHiggs original we will be giving away as summer sadly comes to an end.

To enter please answer the following question that allowed me to find out that J was a KStew fan:

Who would you geek out with? Also, what is the weather like where you are?

My answer: Jesse, duh, and it's SO SEXY OUT TODAY! Sunny, breezy, not humid, and the perfect temperature--finally.

BE SURE TO LEAVE A TWITTER NAME AN/OR EMAIL ADDRESS FOR ME TO CONTACT YOU.

LOVED this Sundance outfit.

I wish you all the most wonderful weekend. Enter this freaking giveaway and for the love of KStew, WATCH ADVENTURELAND! See you lovely people on Monday!

[A/N: If you have never seen Adventureland then I don’t even understand you. If you need a refresher then you may or may not be able to (you can) find it on a website that rhymes with schmootube.]

To my Paradisiacal Pillars:

Read my lips when I say I am because you are. Thank you will simply never be enough.

The Yellow Handkerchief: A Part not Apart

2010-08-24T13:22:00.004-04:00

Have you ever had a weekend that was utterly rejuvenating and yet extraordinarily exhausting simultaneously? If you pretend that my weekend began last Wednesday then that previous statement would apply to me. There were lots of friends, old and new, lots of food, lots of alcohol, and most importantly lots of laughter. While all I want to do is curl up in my bed with a bottle of aspirin and sleep forever, I also want to shout from the rooftops just how incredible most people in this world are.

I feel refreshed. I also feel ready to announce this week’s winner of JHiggs’ awesome giveaway.

Congratulations, JWink22! I so very excited you won this because you are a long time supporter, reader, and commenter of KSIBTU. I love you. I appreciate you. I’m excited for you, and I will be contacting you shortly to discuss the next step!

Now I feel ready to talk about The Yellow Handkerchief. This is one of my favorite Kristen movies because I find her performance rather honest. She doesn’t say very much, but when she does say something I find that it isn’t bullshit. A lot of times lines are put in a movie to create dialogue, but every word she says in this movie has a distinct purpose. For me the biggest selling point of this movie is the growth of all of the characters and as cliché that it sounds, it’s entirely applicable to this movie. William Hurt’s character, Brett, doesn’t belittle the kids as they give him advice. I wholeheartedly appreciate that fact. He doesn’t treat them like children; he treats them as his equals, and in the end—they certainly pulled through for him.

The movie opens with Brett getting out of jail, and I’m going to cut right to the chase—I was about 99% sure for the majority of the movie that he killed his wife. All of the shady scenes between the two of them made me ponder how he only got 6 years for that. In the midst of it all I recalled the poster for this movie that looks as such:

so THAT is where that ridonk manip is from.

And I was like oh my word, how fucked up is it that they show him with his wife that he freaking killed! My mind automatically goes to the worst-case scenario.

I got a little ahead of myself there for a moment though. We then cut to a diner where we meet Gordy, played by Eddie Redmayne, walking around. Then it cuts to Martine, played by Her Holy Hotness, getting rejected by a boy. What an a-hole he is, ya know!?

come to meeeee!!! I won't reject you, ~~Kristen~~ Martine

I kid, but in all sincerity it kind of stings when you watch someone getting rejected, you know?

Anyhow, we watch as Gordy asks for cameras with expired film and we begin to realize that he’s a bit… quirky to say the least. He’s that kid, and I hate using the word weird, but he is—he’s a bit weird. (We’re ALL weird.) There is something a little off about him but he is just so darn friendly that you feel bad for him. My initial thoughts were that he was made fun of in school and always overcompensated with kindness and trying to talk to anyone who he could find. I was partially wrong on that one, thankfully.

The three of them end up waiting for the same boat to cross the river and Gordy begins to mess up his cameras. He then tells Martine to do something so he can take a picture.

#BallerinaStew

I am thoroughly impressed at Kristen’s flexibility. I can't lift my foot off of the floor. Keep your heads out of the gutter for like five seconds while we ponder the fact that I never even knew she had these abilities, whether they are perfect or not. I suck at dancing. Ask any of the ladies who saw it this weekend, but some people just like to dance. I like to dance and in this movie so did Martine. I like when stars surprise you, like how Anne Hathaway has an incredible voice? Well, Kristen Stewart is like a little ballerina, and I also kind of like how it is never discussed, you know? Every chance she has while stagnant she is always moving, but we never really get into why that is.

Then they are in Gordy’s car and a storm comes. Then I hid.

Dear Toronto,

Found this while googling thunder storms.

I'm never coming back.

<3,

Did you guys know that thunderstorms are my greatest fear in life? I think I may have told you this, but I sincerely mean it. I will shake, cry and freak the eff out. It is an entirely irrational fear, one I have NO control over. Then again, aren’t most of our fears irrational?

The three then end up together in a motel room because of the terrible rain. Martine calls her father and has a tumultuous talk with him. At the very end she calls to him and her father hangs up. And so she goes into the bathroom and she cries and my heart breaks. There is nothing worse than being a child with unreciprocated love. I personally know many people who grew up without their parents telling them they loved them for no other reason then it just wasn’t their thing. Since we are all friends here I have no qualms telling you that I never had that kind of relationship with my father—I just didn’t. I knew he loved me, but saying it? It just wasn’t said—ever—literally until I was 18. Now he says it all the time, but it’s something I remember and that says something in it of itself.

I adore this picture and scene.

It can be hurtful, and although you know they love you deep down inside—it doesn’t matter. Words matter. Affirmation matters. Hearing people you love so desperately reciprocate those feelings makes you feel worthy of the feeling in the first place.

Kristen’s reaction to her father is heartfelt for me, and it’s genuine, and it’s something everyone has felt once in his or her life. It’s real.

Brett then says he is going to sleep in the bathroom, aka confine himself, and that leaves Martine and Gordy alone. Two teenagers alone in a motel room means one thing, and Gordy tries to get some with a Jedi-mind trick.

“You’re so pretty when you do certain stuff, it kind of makes me horny. I’m getting obsessed. I think it would go away if you just kissed me once, it wouldn’t be this obsession thing. What do you say?”

“So it’s like an obsession thing? You touch me and it goes away?”

“Kind of, yeah.”

“Why is that?”

“The mystery is gone.”

ORLY?

the determination on that face, damn.

But then it’s too much too fast and he is pinning her down and she is wondering how she got there because she is still too lost in her own life to understand any new possible feelings.

That being said—that night she expressed feelings (between her dad and Gordy), and in the next scene her leggings are gone. One layer of her exterior layers of protection has now been shed. Interesting.

She then engages in a real talk with Brett, and it is so very clear that their chemistry together is perfection. He intrigues her, but she feels oddly comfortable around him. I can’t help but wonder if it’s because he’s a father figure she so desperately desires. He is kind, gentle and protective over her, for a 15 year old girl who feels lost in her own skin, what more could she want?

(o_O)

Let’s cut to the scene where Brett and May are about to make kissy time and he gets a bit overzealous and then goes crazy breaking her window. This was when I was 99.9% sure he killed her and I was freaked out as to why he was hanging out with a bunch of kids.

When the car fails to work, Martine has another conversation with Brett for a while and Gordy finally puts her self absorbed and needy ass in its place.

“I’m gonna start walking soon.”

“Fine, walk.”

Low and behold, by the time they begin to drive the next day, her red undershirt is now gone as well.

The altercation outside of the convenience store happens and then the three speed away. I think this is my second favorite scene in the entire movie because it is the first time we get to really see Gordy. It is the first time he breaks through his goofy exterior and breaks down, and it’s the first time Martine engages him. It’s the first time she can really see that everyone has shit they are dealing with and perhaps she isn’t alone in being alone.

Close ya mouth! You'll catch flies!

And then the cops pull them over and they watch as their friend gets handcuffed and taken away.

You know what made my heart soar? They waited for him. They had enough faith in this stranger that they only knew for two days to wait for him. I would’ve never waited—in fact I would never have the courage to take the journey in the first place.

We then cut to Brett and May finding out they are having a baby, and I’m ecstatic. Here is this man who has been in and out of jail since he was a child and he finally has something to live for. He finally has something to be good for, and he is so excited. I sincerely didn’t know what his reaction would be, but I find nothing sexier than a man who is so excited to be a dad—a good dad.

But it’s sad, and May has a miscarriage and it is blamed on the fact that she has had an abortion. Brett can’t deal with it and he blames her. I hate that. I sincerely hate that aspect of this movie. I don’t care if it’s true or not, I don’t like it. He has a right to be upset but he does not have a right to make her feel badly for her past decisions. It’s not an easy choice to make—so he took something she most likely thinks about every day of her life and threw it right back in her face. No.

Now for the part of manslaughter. We find out that Brett was in an argument with May, a passionate one, and what may have seemed like him hurting her was seen by an outsider. The man tries to pull him off of May, Brett hits him, and the man happens to hit his head on a fire hydrant and die upon impact.

Martine loses it. This is my favorite scene in the whole movie and Kristen at her finest.

Are you preggers? You're absolutely glowing

“That was an accident. It was an accident.”

“No accidents.”

“What did May do after that?”

“May? I only saw May one time after that.”

“One time! Why! I would’ve waited. If somebody had loved me like that I would’ve waited and waited. You had a fight. It was an accident. I would’ve waited for years and years. She’s cold.”

And so she sits and cries. She cries because Brett actually left someone that loved him, and Martine has been left by someone she loves. It’s the opposite for her, and here she is still waiting for her father to just fucking call her phone—to care—to do something. All she wants is to be loved and to have someone wonder where she is or how she is doing--and here Brett is, someone who had it all and he willingly walked away from it all.

Although this is my favorite scene as far as Kristen’s acting goes, I hate this idea. I hate it. Why is that?

I have mentioned my friend Lizzie several times before on this blog. Lizzie once had a male friend and for this sake we shall call him Peter. Peter and Lizzie had gone on several dates, but nothing ever romantically transpired between them so they opted to stay good friends. One night they were walking home from a bar with a couple of friends on campus. A boy runs up to Peter and asks him for his wallet. Peter tells him to get lost. The boy punches Peter in the head. Peter falls to the ground.

Dead upon impact. 20 fucking years old.

Imagine being that parent? Getting that call that your son was walking home, got hit in the head, and now he’s dead? Unforgivable, no matter what. An accident doesn’t remedy a situation and jail doesn’t bring him to life. There is no right answer to this, but this was a situation that I partially lived through and I just felt like this movie romanticized it. Many of you will disagree with me, but I hope you can understand where I am coming from when I say—the situation being an accident doesn’t make it better and it is not an ample justification. A dead man/father (kid) is a dead man/father (kid).

The only redeeming quality about this, for me, was his owning it. Brett owned it, and May even said it, “my husband put himself in jail.” I sighed a big sigh of relief when I heard that because he was taking ENTIRE responsibility for his wrongdoings and he understood why they were so wrong. He wasn’t hopeless. He wasn’t heartless. He gets it. He understands. Thank baby Jesus for that.

Martine and Gordy are left alone and he asks why she trusted Brett.

“I trust sad people.”

“I’m sad.”

“Do you think I shouldn’t trust him?”

“I think you should love him. He’s as good as anyone else. He’s fucked everything up.”

I think we all know we are no longer talking about Brett. Then my favorite line of the entire movie is said,

“I’ve never felt a part of anything here, I’ve always been apart from everything.”

A part. Apart. Those words mean EVERYTHING to us as human beings. No one wants to be apart. Everyone wants to be a part. What a play on words. Ugh, so fucking beautiful, seriously.

Gordy and Martine finally have an honest conversation, and the next morning she wakes up and has his shirt on.

This movie warms my heart.

All layers (excluding pants, but let’s be serious) were shed. Nothing that was a part of her in the beginning is there any more. She has shed her secrets, her insecurities, her faults and her fears—and there she is--with a boy who cares about her.

When the two of them are sitting at breakfast all cute and shit and you cannot help but smile. #LoveFTW!

Brett explains his postcard and his request to his ex-wife. I’m a sucker for a good love story so I was flying high when the kids wouldn’t take no for an answer. Here’s what I love. Brett brought Martine and Gordy to a point where they had no choice but to be honest with each other and most importantly themselves. People who feel alone are together in their aloneness, and once you realize that—you aren’t so alone.

They returned the favor. They get into that car and start searching and when we come up empty handed and I want to gut May. But then? Then Martine spots a bunch of yellow squares flapping in the wind and we find all of the yellow handkerchiefs hanging around her houseboat like a sail. And they embrace—all four of them—and in that moment there is nothing but love.

oh my gosh, William's face. STOP.

Sappy ending but a great one-- they were a part of something not apart from everything.

The plotline of this movie could’ve been entirely trite: three lost souls on a road trip searching for something real, one more lost than the next one. But it wasn’t. The actors who played these characters entirely redeemed a story that could’ve otherwise been less than lackluster.

Gordy and Martine 4eva.

Eddie Redmayne was a real surprise for me. I read that he went to Eton and was a veteran of Shakespeare. His accent is fucking FLAWLESS. FLAWLESS. I know a couple of other British actors whose native tongue sometimes peaks through. Eddie was on the money with every freaking line. He possessed the spunk and charisma needed for this role all the while being able to emit the proper emotion when necessary. It was genuine and came from a real place.

William Hurt? What is there to say? He’s phenomenal. He carries the movie, obviously, seeing as he is the main character. I love his voice. His inflections. His mannerisms. His calming aura. His sense of knowing; I love everything about him.

awwww

But Kristen. I love Martine. I think she did a very good job with that accent. I’m not 100% on it, but it’s rather charming. She is very authentic in this movie and very aware of what she is playing. Her sense of longing for love is so very apparent, and yet she is open to what she is experiencing. Her growth is visible but more importantly believable. She isn’t perfect at the end—but she is perfect in her imperfections. She’s aware and she doesn’t feel as alone, and at the end of the day that’s all we can ask for. People. Someone to care.

Roger Ebert put it best in his review of The Yellow Handkerchief,

“Stewart is, quite simply, a wonderful actress.”

You can't not smile looking at this.

Well now I think that makes KStew better than you.

[A/N: To @Buff_82, @BellasMummy86, @Cindelro, @CheerySarcasm, @CalliopeBlabs, @FeelGoodEachDay, @Just2cusmile, @KSpice75, @quiet_soliloquy, and @theurbanwhisk: you ladies made this past weekend fantastic. Baby showers, sangria, bagels, more sangria, prosecco, vodka (lots), and karaoke—my word—there is no better life than this one.

Now for the movie: thoughts on TYH? Favorite parts? Favorite lines? Parts you didn’t like? Overall feelings in general? Let’s discuss. I am no longer away so I can RESPOND to you guys again! Yeehaw! I will see you here Friday, as per usual, so have a kick ass week!

Oh, and one more thing. Sometimes we feel as if we are apart from everything and it sucks. Always know that you are a part of THIS, right here, and you can never be alone in that.]